Let me be honest....I am a financial mess!

I am coming to more of a place of honesty lately, I have been a pretty open person about my feelings, my fears, my beliefs and my longings...but the one thing I will always hide is my financial mess.

Deep breath.....let it out...and here I go....

Currently, my bank account is negative $196. I have a garnishment for back state taxes of $170 every two weeks. I have student loans that I can't pay on. I have no credit. I have federal taxes that I can't pay and my car registration is past due. I can't keep money in the bank to save my life, I keep on this horrible cycle of having a negative bank account.

I have not lived a lavish lifestyle in many years, and especially in the past two years. I don't go out with friends, I stay home. I haven't had a pedicure in 6 months. I rarely buy myself something new because I can't afford it but I give my boys as much money as I can part with.

No one knows this secret that I have carried around for so long. I have never been good with money, in fact I am down right horrible with it.

I try and try to stay on a budget, but I end up over indulging the boys or myself at the expense of my bank account.

I am 47 years old...I should have my shit together but instead I am messing up over and over again.

I have had people suggest to go to Financial Peace class at church to help me figure all of this out, but the class is $50...$50 would mean less food, less gas....but then again I never seem to have the extra.

I would love to tithe to church, but then when it is time to I can't because the money isn't there.

Dear God...please please help me get out of this horrible cycle I am on....please bring me peace. Amen!!

Love always wins

Today was a great day for love! A few years ago, I would have been upset that the US Supreme Court voted to allow same sex marriage. I was dead set against it, I viewed it as evil, it was against what the bible says and those who entered into a same sex marriage was doomed for hell. But lucky for me, I have come to the realization that thought process was completely wrong.

I am a Christ Follower, I read my bible, participate in bible studies and attend church on a regular bases. Jesus was asked what is the greatest of the commandments and he said this in Matthew 22:37-39  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

So allow me to interpret this in my own words....I believe what Jesus is saying is that no matter who you are around (work, grocery store, on the soccer field...etc) that you are to treat them respect, dignity,with compassion and love. He didn't say love you neighbor unless they are gay or transgender or have a different belief system then you. He said to love!! Not hate!!

Regardless where you stand on this issue, you need to be able to make room for love. 

I love different things....I love hamburgers.....I love the beach.....I love Jesus....I love my children....does that mean that you are going to treat me different because you hate hamburgers?

I haven't been in deep, can't live without you love in a long time but I still believe in the idea of it. And I don't want anyone to take that from me because they are against it.  I believe in that deep, can't live without you love for anyone who has the capability of love regardless of who they are attracted to.

Love always wins....regardless! Could you imagine what the world would be like without love? I don't want to every be in that world.

 

June

First off let me say, this blog is difficult to write. In fact, I am embarrassed as a Mom to write it. But I believe that if anyone reads my blog will see this and know my feelings.

So, it is June. June is a month for weddings, the end of the school year and graduations. I am not getting married and the school year ends next week and I will not be watching my youngest graduate from High School. This was his graduation year, his Senior year. The year where parents get to let out a sigh of relief that their child has reached another milestone in life. But my son decided to drop out of high school with less than 5 months left. My son decided he was an adult and he can make decisions for himself.

Let me back up a little, in the middle of his junior year we decided that he would leave traditional high school and move to a charter school. This would allow him to work at his own pace and catch up on the classes he was failing. If he worked hard he would have graduated early. Well that plan back fired on me.

He is a super smart kid, GATE student, loves politics, loves a good argument and loves how things work. He is just lazy! From the time he was in the second grade, getting up in the morning was a fight and getting homework done was World War 3. I tried everything under the sun to get that kid to do his homework...he just wouldn't do it. And then high school was a real treat for me, just to get him up and out the door on time was a real struggle.

He has no plan right now, he does not realize that his opportunity for a career gets smaller and smaller each day he goes without getting his GED and some kind of schooling.

I have always told my boys that I expect them to go to college, but college is not for everyone. I just wanted them to gain skills that will help them get a job and have a great life. I want them always to do the best that they can.

Every time I see a picture of a high school graduation, I cry...I cry because this is one milestone my son will never have. Not sure if he understands how much harder life will be without a high school diploma or a GED.

I feel like a failure as a mom and  I feel like I have let him down in someway.

Sad that I will not get to hear his name called in front of hundreds of people. Sad that I won't get to see my handsome son in a cap and gown. Sad that his life will be hard.

Cookies!!!

I have been on a cookie baking mission the past six months or so, I love baking and I love giving them to people.

The college kid has been asking for them so I decided this past weekend to whip up some of my favorites.......Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Chip.

Let's start with Snickerdoodles, I found this recipe on my favorite website...Pintrest (www.mylitter.com). Tyler asked me to make cookies for work during the holidays and I ended up making a large batch to give to family for Christmas.

Here is what you will need

1/2 cup butter (1 stick) softened (and for the love of baking use REAL butter!!)

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 egg

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/2 cups flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar



For rolling

• 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon

Here is whatcha need to do:

 

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugars with an electric mixer on high speed. Add the egg and vanilla and beat until smooth. In another bowl, combine the flour, salt, baking soda, and cream of tartar. Pour the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix well. Preheat oven to 350 degrees while you let the dough rest for 30 to 60 minutes in the refrigerator.In a small bowl, combine the sugar with the cinnamon for the topping.Take about 2 1/2 tablespoons of the dough and roll it into a ball. Roll this dough in the cinnamon/sugar mixture and place on a ungreased cookie sheet (I use parchment paper on my cookie sheets). Repeat for the remaining cookies. Bake the cookies for 12 to 14 minutes and no more. The cookies may seem undercooked, but will continue to develop after they are removed from the oven. When the cookies have cooled they should be soft and chewy in the middle.

 

 

I have a secret weapon that I use on this cookies....Trader Joe's Grinder with sugar and cinnamon. When the cookies have baked for about 6 minutes I grind some more sugar and cinnamon on them and the let the bake another 6 minutes.

 

Once they are done. I let them cool on  paper towels...no fancy cooling racks here :)....and once they are cooled...YUMMY!!!

 

 

 

Next up....Chocolate chip....I found this one on Pintrest (www.bakerbettie.com ) as well and was a little unsure of this recipe  because there wasn't a lot of ingredients. But have to say these are the best chocolate chip cookies...just trust me on this one!!!

 

Here is what you will need....

 



1 stick softened butter salted or unsalted, at room temperature

3/4 cup light or dark brown sugar

1 large egg, at room temperature

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp salt, or large pinch

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 cup plus ¼ cup flour being careful not to pack down when measuring

1 cup chocolate chips

 

 

 

Here is what you gotta do...

Preheat oven to 350. In a large bowl cream the butter and brown sugar together. Add egg and vanilla to the butter and brown sugar mix and mix together. Then add flour baking soda baking powder and salt. Once everything is mixed together add chocolate chips. The place a scoop of the dough onto a cookie sheet and bake for 8-12 minutes. Remove for cookie sheet to cool.

 

 

That's it...two super easy cookie recipes....Enjoy!!! 





 



Wanted...in search of a good man

So I have been thinking lately…..I need to date or something of the sort (think more of getting out of my bubble).

 I know I have been saying that for years and I have tried the on line thing but that was a crappy experience.

 I have been hoping for one of those chance meetings you see on TV. You know the ones….some handsome man happens to sit next to you at Starbucks or asks you what you think of a particular product at the grocery story…you know what I am talking about.

Then I hope that friend fixes me up with someone she knows or my kids meet a great guy and thinks he would be perfect for me.

Well none of those things have happened for me….and that is ok, I am good with it. Like I say…yea for me if it happens and yea for me if it doesn’t.  But I have not given up on the idea of one great man coming into my life.

I didn’t date that much in high school, really didn’t get asked out much or asked to dances, met my prom date on a street corner in Westwood, been cheated on so many times that I have stopped counting, had my heart broken, stomped on and even laughed at. I have had my soul dumped on. My self worth kicked to the curb. My dignity shredded to pieces. But I still hold onto hope that one good man will come.

I look at some of my friends that have divorced since mine and they are either remarried or in a committed relationship and the jealousy flairs up. But then I have to talk myself off of the ledge and remind myself that everyone has their own path in life and this is my path at the moment. And I go back to hope of one good man.

And my thoughts turn to….Maybe he is thinking right now….I just want one good women….one that likes the outdoors, one that does not mind watching sports with me, one that has a middle school boy sense of humor. And maybe just maybe she is looking for me.

 

A letter to my ex husband

Dear Ex Husband....

Not sure if you realize it but ten years ago our marriage ended. My hopes and dreams for a whole and perfect family died that day.

A lot has happened between us during those ten years, some of which I would like to apologize for.

Let me say this first, I can forgive you of the hurt you caused me but I am not sure I can forgive you of the pain (seen and unseen) you caused the boys. You have said many times they are ok but deep down they are not.

There is a saying, "hurt people hurt other people" and that is what I set out to do. I wanted you to hurt they way I did. I wanted you to know how it felt to have your hopes, dreams and love destroyed. I wanted you to pay the ultimate price on leaving me and our boys.

I am sorry for saying that I got to keep the family in our divorce, they are your family and if they welcome you back then I will step away gracefully. I love them more then you will ever understand, they played a huge role in keeping me together and loving on the boys when you were not able.

Your dad took me in and made sure the boys and I were always ok. He always wanted what was best for them. And I fight everyday to keep his spirit alive in them and I try to keep my promise I made to them that they would be men just like him.

When I met you at 19 years old, you were so driven. You knew what you wanted and when you wanted it. I think in some ways I killed some of your dreams. And for that I am sorry.

I regret pushing you into getting married. But we had been together so long that it was time to either get married or go our separate ways. Also know I am sorry for pushing you. But our marriage did give me/us two wonderful gifts from heaven.

We did have some great years, lots of laughs, adventures and there was some love.

Please know I want nothing but happiness for you.


Your ex wife

543

I was out of work for 543 days, that is a long time not being able to provide for my children the way they expect, not being able to provide for myself the things I am use to having. 543 days of not feeling good about myself. 543 days of trying to make the best of the situation.

So I decided, that I am going to list 543 lessons I learned, new discoveries, rediscoveries and blessings received during my time of unemployment. (this is going to stretch me and take awhile!!) And sorry if I repeat a few things....this is a long list :)

1. During this time I have learned that I need to value myself enough to take care of my body
2. I have learned who my real friends are and those who just wanted to be "friends" to get information to further their career.
3. I have learned the difference between wants and needs
4. Been blessed with people who have come along side of me to give me encouragement
5. I have come to understand that God does things in His time not mine.
6. Both of my boys are pretty much self reliant now and only need me in a pinch.
7. Rediscovered my love of the beach.
8. My church family stood in the gap with me during this time and prayed hard for me.
9. Discovered my love of reading is still there
10. Learned that I don't always have to say yes to everyone
11. That I can say no and not feel bad
12. Was able to be in places that I wanted to be with those I wanted to be with at anytime, any day of the week.
13. Reconnected with my adoptive family when my Fay Mom passed away. Was blessed by their love and acceptance of me as their sister and auntie
14. My brother is my best friend, it took us a few years to get back to that and I love every minute on the phone with him, every text and every visit with him. He raised me and loves me  and my faults!
15. Learned how much stress I was carrying around with me while in my last job. I was making myself sick with stress.
16. Rediscovered my love of naps!
17. I have been blessed with an amazing Mother in Law, she supported me, propped me up, told me I would get through this and loved me when she didn't have to.
18. My faith has grown stronger during this.
19. Having the ability to be there more for my youngest, spending more time with him has been great.
20. Learned that when backed into a corner, I find resources to get out of it.
21. I have learned to stop thinking that I am better than others.
22. Learned that breaking bad habit is freeing
23. Learned that building better habits will keep me healthy
24. Discovered what coffee shops have free Wi-Fi and who has good coffee.
25. Learned that being lazy is ok sometimes
26. Been blessed by strangers who have seen me cry ask if they could pray for me
27. Blessed by a couple that I sit by in church, their love and prayers kept me going.
28. Learned that I can send a child a state away to college and not cry.
29. Blessed when I see two birds or two butterflies to remind me of my moms and their love for me.
30. I have learned to stand up for myself and not back down.
31. Learned how generous my friends are.
32. I have figured out who I want as part of my life and those who I don't.
33. I have learned that I will not chase people to be part of my life.
34. Come to the conclusion that I don't need a man in my life to make me complete or happy. I am responsible for all of that.
35. That taking the time to read the bible is actually good for me (when I remember to)
36. Was blessed by a man named Tony that on some Sundays at church slip a $20 bill into my purse because he wanted me to do something special for me.
37. Learned to deal with the Medi-cal and EBT system to get the help I needed.
38. Learned that I had to reach out and ask for help and not to be ashamed for it.
39. Discovered the library is a great place to use the internet and get books when you don't have money to sit in a coffee shop to use their internet when you didn't have the money to pay for the internet at home. And books and DVDs are free to rent.
40. Learned the concept of delayed gratification. Learning to wait.
41. Patience....hard thing to learn but learned a little and still working on it.
42. When I put my mind to something I can do it, just takes me more time then most but it gets done.
43. I became pretty versed in the way the Federal Government works when they failed to pass unemployment extension for millions of Americans. I wrote Senator, Representatives and the President. I was quoted in an article for the Wall Street Journal and in a letter from the Ways and Means Committee to the Speaker of the House.
44. That it is ok to cry when you are sad and to let the tears just flow.
45. Being home so much made me realize I am a slob....have I taken care of that? not yet but it is good to recognize your faults.
46. Learned that I much rather spend time in the gym then in bed all day. Not to say that I don't have stay in bed all day days....
47. Blessed that is was God that keep my feet planted everyday and keeping me from going crazy.
48. Blessed that my Dad lives with us, financially I don't know how I would have been able to keep my house, put gas in the car some weeks or pay the bills.
49. Coupons are my friend! We have been able to have some meals with coupons (much to the embarrassment of the boys, who know love those coupons). When shopping at the grocery store whatever I saved in coupons I treated myself to something with the money saved.
50. Learned how to stretch a meal into a lunch or another dinner
51. Freezer bags have been my friend in assisting in #50.
52. Learning that making this list is harder than I thought....but goes back pushing myself
53. My friend AC gives me the greatest advice, she feels more like a little sister at times then a friend.
54. Another friend RC gave me the gift of taking care of me, she saw my weight going up and the depression sinking in.
55. I took some time to do a few on line bible studies, this helped me a lot!!
56. Realized that I did a pretty good job raising my boys.
57. Blessed by the pastor at my church, he does not know me or my story but weekly he says something that I swear is meant for me.
58. My computer, it helped me look for jobs, research and kept me entertained when I was not happy or when I was lonely.
59. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am ok being alone. I don't need a mate to make me happy...I have to make me happy first.
60. Learned to be content with what I have
61. Learned how to find the blessing in anything that comes my way the good and the bad.
62. The word hope....I love the word....hope for more of Christ in my life, hope for the best for my boys, hope for my circumstances to change, hope, hope....love it sounds much better than a wish!!

Ok for those who are actually reading all of this, I really thought I could write 543 things that I learned while out of work. The biggest things I have learned is that I am no ones door mat, that my boys are great, I have so many things to be grateful for and I learned that hope is not a wish, hope is something that will come true if I take it to God.

Thanks for reading this......