Good Bye....Knuckle Head

I have had someone in and out of my life for a few years, and I refer to him as Knuckle Head because he seems so interested in me but can't figure out what he wants. Well....that is what I thought.

He and I would meet to have drinks every few months and he would tell me how cute I was and that he cannot believe that I have not been swept off of my feet by someone. He would tell me things like: my mom would love you, I need to be dating you, let's take a trip together...on and on...and I would be so taken back by some of the things he would say.

But in the back of my mind I could not figure out why he would not take the relationship a step further. My gut kept telling me there was someone else and I would ask him that and he would reassure me that there is no one in his life. He knew how much I was hurt by the ex. husbands cheating ways, he knew how much of a guard I have put up because of it and he knew the journey I took to get over the pain of a cheating husband.

So, my curious mind kicked in last night...I dug around Facebook and was able to find some pictures of him...with friends...on vacation....and with his girlfriend!

I sat on the information for a little bit then I sent him a text (me in " and his response in ')...."Do me a big favor?"...'sure'...."delete my number"....'why?'...'something wrong'......"I was ready to give you my heart but for some reason you didn't want it, and because of that it would be best if you did.....there was always something\someone in the way of you taking this any further".........nothing after that.

The tears came and they came because for the last few years I hung onto the idea of a relationship with him, the tears came because I had been so dumb that I didn't pick up on it sooner, the tears came because those who love me knew something was not right with him. I told myself that I would never cry over a man again...well I did!

I have to look at this situation as this.....I am ready to date....I am ready to be loved again...I can do this...I am stronger....I know what I want in a man....I know that God has a plan for me and He will not let me down.

So Knuckle Head...you are missing out on an amazing women who would have loved you and cared for you more then you will ever experience....now there will be someone else who can have my heart because its not for you anymore!

Today is here....tomorrow is gone

Today is just a moment of time, yesterday is gone there is nothing I can do to get it back. I cannot get the last minute back. So I can think ahead to later today, but I cannot get disappointed if what lies ahead does not go my way.
Time does not stop and if I could have stopped it, what would I have stopped to change? I wouldn't change anything, that is my life history. I would slow down how fast the boys are growing up, can't take it. My babies are not mine any more...they belong to themselves and one day they will leave me and marry...oh gesh...I will never be ready for that.
So this time has past...can't get it back...think to the future and be ready for every bump along the way.

ok...I am not ok being alone

I have spent the last few months telling myself, telling everyone around me that I am ok being alone....well the truth is I AM NOT OK BEING ALONE! I am over it, tired of it, tired wishing for it, tired, tired of it.

Now how do I fix this? I have no idea where to start, where to look. Not sure about the whole online dating, been there done it...met nothing but weirdos, guys that wanted to know what size bra I wear....ugh! Where is the nice ones? Where are the ones that are not all about my bra size? It's like finding a needle in a haystack. I don't know how to do this.

I just might have to face the fact I will be alone and that there is no prince charming coming for me....ugh!!! can't take it anymore

A Mom of Boys

Growing up I was the only girl around, I had an older brother that had to take me everywhere. I have always been around men (could be the reason I like sports and that farts don't bug me). So when I had both of the boys I knew that I could handle it being a mom of boys because I was always around them. Was I wrong!

No one told me that boys have mood swings and are hormonal! Gesh I thought only girls did that! I have one right smack in the middle of puberty and one right on the verge of starting! It is crazy around here, I never know if I said something wrong or if I did something that I would normally do that now embarrasses them. They are moody! Oh my gosh, that is the worst!

I can handle the girl stuff, I went though it but this boys stuff is rough!

Cute Outfit

I can say, I don't dress that bad. I can make the best of out what is in my closets transforming each piece into a different look. My ex. mother in law always said to me "you have a way with separates". I love clothes....and shoes and everything else that goes into an outfit.

I have people come up to me and say 'cute outfit', gesh...I am so much more then a cute outfit.

How do I get people to look beyond the outfit, beyond the outside of me? I have so much more to offer once you can get past the outside.

A very very dear friend and I have this discussion the other night during 'wine therapy'. She said I have a shield up that prevents people from getting closer, that I don't smile enough (I don't smile because I hate my smile and my teeth) and I always look pissed off (thank you dad for passing that look down). I don't think I have a shield up, if I do it's because I don't want to get hurt again, tired of fixing the broken heart. And the broken heart is not from men hurting it but it's from women as well (friends that decide that other friendships are better or just disappearing).

Back to the outfits, I have this tendency to make sure everything is perfect before I head out the door. Maybe that is part of my problem is that I want everything to be perfect like my outfits. I want things to go together like shoes and a purse, want them to be comfortable like my running shoes and want them to match me. But on the other hand I almost described what I would like to have in a mate....comfortable...matching....go together (meaning..we looking like we belong together).

I feel like a book that has a great cover but the story is boring..woo...that would be a great topic for another blog...

My outfits are me...classic...put together (that I am not sometimes)...cute....hey I can think that I am...

hmmm

I felt in the mood to write a blog tonight but nothing is coming to me, no topic, nothing happened exciting today...hmmm just feeling the need for my fingers to type.

How does this happen? The need to do something or be somewhere? It's Gods hand pushing is along. I always hear people say that God spoke to them, I wait to hear him but I never do. Instead it's his gentle push I feel every once in while. A push to take a turn down a different street, a push to say something, a push to call someone. I have had the push to call my brother but scared to call him....fear of his rejection.

Think God's hand is pushing me...pushing me where? for who? when? Only He knows

Black Notebook

I bought a little black notebook to journal during my trip, while I did journal the notebook now has turned into my idea place. Ideas I have for a book. I am not a writer, if you are reading my blog you would know I am far from a writer. But I have been thinking for sometime that I need to write a book about what has happened in my life and how I got through the mental abuse. Or how to laugh your way through affairs, separation, divorce and still be a women of grace.

I have been told it would be good therapy to write...but where to start...once upon a time there was a curly haired girl whose Mom passed away when she was young and that life event affected the rest of her life...where of where to start....there has to be a start in the black notebook