Feeling like a Fraud and other thoughts

Lately I have been feeling like a fraud when it comes to my faith walk. I know there is a higher power, I believe Jesus walked on this earth and I hope that when my time on this earth comes to an end that I will see God and he will that I have done a good job on earth.

I have been sitting in church lately a little preoccupied, not really listening to the message...I am just taking up space.

In my small group, I listen to the people in my group and they get the bible, they get this relationship thing with God. I just sit there and listen. I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the conversation. Don't feel like I fit in....just taking up space.

When it is time to pray, I start out praying and then my mind goes else where.

I feel like I am a fraud within my small group and as a member of a church community. Just taking up space,  and taking prayers from others that get it.


My other thought I have been having lately....why do I not have any friends? I mean I have people in my life that I consider a friends but I feel like people don't like me. They don't talk to me. I can be in a room full of people I know and people ignore me. I call people, email people, text people but I am never invited places, not included.

Could it be that I am just making this stuff up in my head? Or am I just having one of those moments?

The boys and dating

I have been thinking lately about the boys and them dating. Is it wrong of me not wanting them to? I mean they have a whole life time to date or am I just projecting my lack of dating on them?

I have friends that encourage their kids to date as early as sixth grade, my two have not had a girlfriend let alone take a girl on a date as 'friends'.

In part I don't want them to date because they need to focus on their grades and sports. This is what is going to get them into college....not who they are dating!

Am I wrong not encouraging them to date?

Things learned while teaching your son to drive

Jonathan has started to drive and I am having the hardest time!!! Not because he is a bad driver (he does have a lot to learn, like breaking), it's because I have to give up control!

I am the driver, I have been driving them since they were born. I always drive! And now I have to give up the control of driving. And I think its more then Jonathan driving, its that he is growing up!

This morning we were driving and I told him that the reason I freak out when he is driving is because I like to be in control! He smiled and looked and me and said "Mom its time to let it all go!" Wow my wise child!

How in the heck do I do that? And when did I become such a control freak?

Gesh...growing up is hard at 43!

judged

For the first time in a long time, I felt judged by my weight. It cut through me like a knife and it hurt like hell!! And I think it hurt more because it was done by someone I know.

I know that I am not as thin as I use to be, but I am the same person that I was when I only weighted 100 pounds (well I have grown up a bit, a little more wiser).

The sad thing about being judged is that you don't get the chance to explain yourself, you don't get the chance to defend yourself...you are just looked over and thrown to the side like a piece of trash.

I know I am love by God and I know He does not judge me for my weight....He loves me just the way I am. And I am ok with that...that is the man I need more in my life.

Dating again?

For th past few years I have been telling myself and others that I am ok with not having anyone in my life. Well. now I want someone but I don't want to online date. I am glad that is works for some but it has not worked for me.

So what do I do? Hope Prince Charming shows up out of the blue? Sit at a bar? Just not sure where. My other issue is that, I don't know how to do this dating thing. I could have someone come up to me and flirt with me and I would have no idea that they were.

I think it is easy to to stay in my bubble, its safe in here. No one will hurt me, reject me or lie to me in my bubble.

Don't know what I want, the hard part is that I feel like those in my life will be not happy that I am out and dating.

Dating is a scary thing....not sure what to do about it.

Shoe dropped and God caught it

Every time I start to feel good about life, I always worry about something bad to happen or for the other shoe to drop. This week the other shoe was about to drop but this time it did not fall...God caught it before it could drop.

What happened was I got information that there was a chance my child support was being reevaluated and more then likely it was going to be reduced. At first I was really angry, but after a chat with my best friend or should I say my sister I calmed down. The anger was still there but something inside of me that calmed me down, something that said 'hey its just money, you will be fine'. God was with me letting me know that everything was going to be ok.

The more I sit back and look at this situation, the more I am ok with it. My children are happy, healthy and smart. They are these things because of me. They know that I am doing what I can for them.

I thank God for catching me and letting me know I am and that I am loved by Him. Through Him I know all things are possible an He will be there again to catch the shoe if it drops again.

Isaiah and lesson learned

When I broke my ankle and had to lay in bed I often thought what is God trying to teach me right now?? To slow down? To take my time? To read more? To pray more? To ask for help? I think the answer came way of a preemie baby named Isaiah. He was born at 26 weeks and was not expected to make it. His Mother is one of the many loves of my life and I wanted to be there for her when she gave birth but due to the ankle I couldn't.

Isaiah blew everyone away, he is thriving! The only worry was the possibility of blindness. When we found this out we got the prayer warriors to work. This past week we finally got word that his optic nerve is small and the tissue around it is as well...so this mean he will have vision problems but will not be blind!

My lesson learned is that I cannot stop praying and that when God says he has it handled I need to believe it.

Isaiah, I love you to pieces and cannot wait to watch you grow up!