To my oldest

Dear Jonathan:

Here we are the day before your High School graduation. I am so proud of you, not only for graduating with over a 3.0 but of the man you are becoming.

When you were born, I would sit and watch you sleep and wonder what you would be when you grew up.

As you grew up, I would watch you win games, lose games and I cheered you on the whole way. I thought you were the greatest player out there. I was amazed when you would come out of nowhere and steal the ball away during soccer and take it up field and cross it over to your teammate. I thought for sure you were going to play all the way through college. Then something happened, you wanted to run cross country to stay in shape for soccer and you were amazing at it. Yep you broke my heart when you didn't want to play soccer anymore but watching you improve with each race made it all worth it. Each race you left all of it out on the track or course. Hope you continue to run.

During all of your soccer and running you kept getting hurt and this is when you discovered what you wanted to study in college. I thought for sure you were going to be an engineer, you loved building things and figuring out how things work. But you sure have a knack for helping others heal themselves. When I broke my ankle, it was you who helped me in rehab (and laughing at me the whole time). I guess in some ways you are still trying to figure out how things work, but its with the human body.

I am worried about you leaving for college in September, worried that you won't know how to navigate the world with all of its uncertainties. But I am always reminded that you are a smart kid and you will be just fine. I am going to miss seeing you everyday, laughing with you and making sure you are ok. I hope I taught you enough that the world will be gentle to you. I hope the foundation that I have laid will be enough for you, I hope all of the mistakes I made the last 18 years have not scared you forever, I hope that you know that I might not have been the perfect mom, that I tried to be the best I could.

My other hope is that every time you have to make a decision, that you think of Papa Tony. Think about what he would tell you to do, think about what decision he would have made. I am sure it will be easy once you think of him. He would have been so proud of you. Please think of him tomorrow during graduation, you and Tyler meant the world to him.

I have said to you before, this next chapter of your life is to be written by you! I have started the book for you....it is up to you to continue the story...YOUR STORY!!

I love you to the moon and back. My God bless you always and may you always walk in faith that He will be with you every step of the way.

Always,
Mom

Wedding Dream

About 6 or 7 years ago I had a dream that I was getting married, I remember the dream like I had it last night. The dream goes like this.....I am driving with a friend in her 4runner, I have my dress on with awful gladiator type shoes on. My phone rings and it is my husband to be, telling me to hurry because I am going to be late (for those who know me, know I am always late). But I tell him I have to get my wedding shoes. The shoes I guess are in a closet at church. I woke up not finding the shoes or seeing who I was marrying.

The dream has been a puzzle to me ever since.  I looked up what each detail meant and I am still puzzled.

Wedding dreams mean new beginnings, shoes mean a path.....where is this path? A path to what?

The other thing I remember is his voice on the phone....need to find that voice.

Another thing that keeps bugging me is why in the heck do I remember this dream so well?

When the head, heart, gut and prayers don't agree

I have always said when making a tough decision that you need to listen to your gut....but my gut is usually wrong. So then I hear people say follow your heart, well when I follow my heart I get hurt, stepped on and become a human speed bump. So now I try to filter everything that is going in my head...nothing is making sense to me!

My mind says one thing the heart says another then the gut has something else to say......then in the middle of threes three fighting, I try to pray and wait and wait for an answer (I sometimes think God ignores me).

I need to make some decisions soon, and I can't  decide what to do.....can't my gut, heart, head and prayers give me some kind of answer?

Need to figure of the next steps in this life and I just need some guidance, wisdom, love and faith....come on your four help me out.

Replacing the negative with the truth

Replacing the negative with truth, it's like rewinding your life tape and recording over it.
Things I do know....I am loved by God despite of myself. He does not judge me for my mistakes. He holds my hand and says to me 'yep it's pretty bad but you know what, I love you and I am here to help you through it'. I know that I am worthy of the love of a man and not all of them will hurt. I know that I am a great mom. I know that I am better then the negative thoughts I have of myself. I know that I am good at anything I put my mind to......

I know that I am loved

What is going on with me?

My body/mind is doing strange things, I don't know where I belong anymore (at work, at home, and anywhere else I might be).

I hate it, I love being around people, I love being with my kids and I love being with my family but lately....I rather just hide in my room. I don't know why...maybe its safer in here....no one will make me feel bad in here, no one will make me feel stupid, no one will leave me out.

My body is slowly changing, I am tired all the time, my body hurts and aches. I have hot flashes that last all day....

Jesus....help me!! I hate this place I am in.....

Why's

Been having some why's running around in my head and I need to let them out before they give me yet another headache or I let them run wild and I have more why thoughts....so be free why thoughts...

Why is my hair curly? My mom and dad both had curly hair and my brother has it but why me too? I hate my hair

Why does it seem like every man I have and a relationship with cheated on me. High school boyfriend did, boyfriend out of high school did, the ex. husband did, first relationship post divorce did...no wonder I have a shield up....do I have something on my forehead that says hey cheat on me I can take it.

Why do I still see myself weighing a 100 pounds? I still think I can eat like I weigh a 100 pounds.

Why do I feel like my destiny in life will be like my father, alone, depresses and no friends. I pray about this a lot. It's a scary thought to be like that.

Why can I not to be able to save money? I don't have a nest egg don't have the credit I would like. I am 44 years old and I should have this part of my life figured out.

Why do my friends not fix me up with anyone? Am I that picky? Or do the not want to because I am not good enough for the single guys they know.

Why do I hate cleaning my house? It's clean but it could be cleaner.

Why do some friendships stick and the others don't? I have some great friends but I miss the ones that I have lost.

Why is it that I think of others first and they don't think of me?

Why do others hear the voice of God and I don't?

It feels good to get these out, maybe this way I can work on them....well I can't change the curly hair.

For Laurie

Ok my dear sister Laurie.....this for you!

Things that I have done right today:

Loved my boys unconditionally
Worked as hard as I could to the best of my abilities
Make a yummy healthy dinner for my family
Wore clothes that matched :)

Ok....there will be more added to this as the days go on

List for today....
Spent time with the oldest
Finished one project at work
Set up my voicemail on my new phone
Went to bible study
Laughed for the first time in days