The Cutting of the Apron Strings

When the boys were born, I thought they would be mine forever. Well, on some levels they will be mine forever. Now forever has come, for one of them.

In September my oldest will start High School...the start of the cutting of the apron strings. I stand in front of him in awe, what happened to my cubby baby? Now he stands taller then me, and is skinny. I look at him with such hope that I have given him the tools he will need to be good in high school. Get good grades, treat women with respect, go to church (or a least remember to pray), do well in sports and treat everyone they way you want to be treated.

I have to let him go, and be the man God has planned for him. He does not belong to me, he belongs to himself. He has to make choices now, good or bad. He has to learn how to make in this crazy world.

I don't want to cut the apron strings, I want to keep him safe, protected. But I have to cut them, as much as it hurts to see him go...its time to cut.

At least I have another one to keep close...but that one has wanted the apron strings cut since birth...what's a mom to do....let them go....say a prayer...and let them know they are loved.

Forgiveness

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32.

Words I need to keep on my heart. The anger I have built up inside of me is starting to eat me alive. Anger that can slowly turn me into the woman I do not want to be, the women I am scared of becoming. A women who is more consumed with getting even the looking at all of the beauty around her. A women who rather knock someone down then try to help the one down. This is not who I need to be.


To be able to forgive is a path that many do not want to go down, when they don't it eats them alive and then they start to live in a 'could have...should have' world. This is my world at the moment...I could have left before the wedding....I should have never let him home. This is all part of my history, the part of my life that is shaping me into the women God thought of when he made me for my mother's womb.

How do we forgive? Can't we just confess the anger? Do I have to go to the person and tell them I forgive them? What if we could never forgive? Are there things that people can do to us that we can never go down the forgiveness path?

On some levels I have forgiven him for the cheating, for the lying, for the deception. At the surface level...I can never forgive him for what he did and is doing to his children. Not being a dad is unacceptable.

How does this forgiveness work? I need to figure it our...it holds me back so much

Release

Letting go and releasing the pain, hurt, humiliation and everything else in between that you caused. I have to let go, where do I start? How do you let go of it all?

Undoing the abuse

When my marriage started to fall apart, I started to see a therapist. She save my life! I was ready to walk into the ocean and not come out. I wanted all of the pain I was going through to stop. The therapist help me in so many ways. The one thing she helped me work through was the mental abuse I had gone through. I was always made to feel less then I was, told I was not good enough, that no one wanted me. I never learned to stand up for myself.

My father started the cycle, my brother added to it and the ex. added to it as well. My father was very controlling, he made me afraid of everything. My brother made me fearful of not being good enough. The ex. made me feel unworthy of his love and the love of others. No matter how much I tried to make the men in my life happy it was never good enough.

My therapist helped me see that all of that was bull shit. I am worthy.

So now the men in my life hate when I stand up for myself, they hate that I have a voice and I am not scared to use it.

I have to be aware of when I break myself down, aware of when I am concerned that people are not approving of me and my actions.

I have learned that my opion is the only one that matters to me, if you don't like/love me for who I am then get out of my life.

I am getting stronger, I am undoing the years of feeling unworthly of love and I will not seek the approval of anyone.

A season

I really believe that our lives are built on seasons. Not like winter, spring or fall but times when things or people come and go.

Last week, I ended a season. My office mate left for school in Montana. Jennifer was my therapist, my spiritual leader, my money planner and my source of laughter each work day.

When one season ends we are sad, but we are renewed in hope for a better season then the last.

Slow Breakdown

I am having a slow, painful mental breakdown. I am getting tired of always being the one that people can count on, you know the "ahh...Kristen will do it". Tired of always taking care of everyone else...who takes care care of me? Tired of children not listening and being respectful but always wanting something but nothing in return. Tired of my father living with me, he sits around all day and does nothing! But like everyone else in my life wants more of me, more from me and expectations of me always taking care of them. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! There is no relief from all of this. I took a hike alone yesterday and felt bad about it because I didn't clean up everyone's mess.

I just want a break, a break from running, a break from being a mom, a daughter, a worker, a friend.

I trust the God knows my plan, the path He has put me on. I pray that he brings be some type of relief. I need to take care of ME, take time for ME...but with so many people pulling will I ever get the chance?

Something has to give

Trying to find yourself, trying to find what God has intended you to be is a tough road. I have taken so many detours that I am sometimes not sure that I am going the right way.



I have learned to take each day as it comes, you can't plan for everything. My days are not the same each day, thank goodness. I can have everything planned out for the day and then one slip up and it's a mess. Growing up, if we wanted to eat dinner somewhere other then our house we had to let my dad know a week in advance. I know it was because he planned our meals out and did not want to waste money. When I became a mom that was one thing that went out the window, if you are not home we eat without you and then we have left overs.



See, life.. like that cannot be planned out...life should not be overly planned. You have to look at each day differently then the next. Each day, God knows what is going to happen but I don't think He can plan how you are going to reaction to it. Reaction is the biggest part of all of this, you can be positive or negative just know that how you do it effects everyone around you.

So...something has to give...my reactions....my attitude....I have to give it all up to God and allow His grace to guide me.