Do you you every have those days were all you want to do is bury your head in a pillow, a hole, in anything and hope that things will get better after you pull your head out of whatever?
I want to bury my head, take a long nap and then when I wake up all of my personal stresses will be gone! Wouldn't life be great if that was to happen? But then again God brings us to stressful situations to help us, he doesn't bury his head when he stresses out. Whatever He has me going through, I know He will not leave my side, He will not turn His back on me for He is the one that I given my life up to. Lord, you know my heart and you know the stress I am in....it is your will not mine and I know that you will be by my side during this season of my life and you will help me through.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Wedding Day
Yesterday one of my dear friends got married. It was a beautiful day..but HOT! Standing up at the altar in a long dress with three skirts was miserable.
I was the reason they met, she and I went on a Pub Crawl with a singles group that I was thinking of joining. It hurt to know that I was the one looking for someone and she found someone. But that is great! She told me that if he would have came into her life about a year before that she would have not been ready for him or a relationship.
As we were leaving last night my friends new husband gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing her out that night... and that its time for me to find someone.
Time will tell....Happy Wedding Life M&J.....may you married be as happy as you two are at this moment!
I was the reason they met, she and I went on a Pub Crawl with a singles group that I was thinking of joining. It hurt to know that I was the one looking for someone and she found someone. But that is great! She told me that if he would have came into her life about a year before that she would have not been ready for him or a relationship.
As we were leaving last night my friends new husband gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing her out that night... and that its time for me to find someone.
Time will tell....Happy Wedding Life M&J.....may you married be as happy as you two are at this moment!
Friday, July 10, 2009
When people don't know the truth
How can some people look you in the eye and treat you like crap and then turn around and be the greatest of people to others?
The ex. husband ignores his parental rights (visitation weekend and days, not paying child support) but then people on the outside think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread (never got that saying). They rave about how great he is, what a wonderful job he has done...it makes me ill. What if those people knew the truth? Would they still look at him the same? What if those people knew that he has not provided one thing for his children in over a year? What if they knew that he ignores his children?
I know the truth and they will have to find theirs out on their own...but then again he needs to let the truth set him free....but then again he lives in a completely different world then the rest of us.
The ex. husband ignores his parental rights (visitation weekend and days, not paying child support) but then people on the outside think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread (never got that saying). They rave about how great he is, what a wonderful job he has done...it makes me ill. What if those people knew the truth? Would they still look at him the same? What if those people knew that he has not provided one thing for his children in over a year? What if they knew that he ignores his children?
I know the truth and they will have to find theirs out on their own...but then again he needs to let the truth set him free....but then again he lives in a completely different world then the rest of us.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Cutting of the Apron Strings
When the boys were born, I thought they would be mine forever. Well, on some levels they will be mine forever. Now forever has come, for one of them.
In September my oldest will start High School...the start of the cutting of the apron strings. I stand in front of him in awe, what happened to my cubby baby? Now he stands taller then me, and is skinny. I look at him with such hope that I have given him the tools he will need to be good in high school. Get good grades, treat women with respect, go to church (or a least remember to pray), do well in sports and treat everyone they way you want to be treated.
I have to let him go, and be the man God has planned for him. He does not belong to me, he belongs to himself. He has to make choices now, good or bad. He has to learn how to make in this crazy world.
I don't want to cut the apron strings, I want to keep him safe, protected. But I have to cut them, as much as it hurts to see him go...its time to cut.
At least I have another one to keep close...but that one has wanted the apron strings cut since birth...what's a mom to do....let them go....say a prayer...and let them know they are loved.
In September my oldest will start High School...the start of the cutting of the apron strings. I stand in front of him in awe, what happened to my cubby baby? Now he stands taller then me, and is skinny. I look at him with such hope that I have given him the tools he will need to be good in high school. Get good grades, treat women with respect, go to church (or a least remember to pray), do well in sports and treat everyone they way you want to be treated.
I have to let him go, and be the man God has planned for him. He does not belong to me, he belongs to himself. He has to make choices now, good or bad. He has to learn how to make in this crazy world.
I don't want to cut the apron strings, I want to keep him safe, protected. But I have to cut them, as much as it hurts to see him go...its time to cut.
At least I have another one to keep close...but that one has wanted the apron strings cut since birth...what's a mom to do....let them go....say a prayer...and let them know they are loved.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Forgiveness
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32.
Words I need to keep on my heart. The anger I have built up inside of me is starting to eat me alive. Anger that can slowly turn me into the woman I do not want to be, the women I am scared of becoming. A women who is more consumed with getting even the looking at all of the beauty around her. A women who rather knock someone down then try to help the one down. This is not who I need to be.
To be able to forgive is a path that many do not want to go down, when they don't it eats them alive and then they start to live in a 'could have...should have' world. This is my world at the moment...I could have left before the wedding....I should have never let him home. This is all part of my history, the part of my life that is shaping me into the women God thought of when he made me for my mother's womb.
How do we forgive? Can't we just confess the anger? Do I have to go to the person and tell them I forgive them? What if we could never forgive? Are there things that people can do to us that we can never go down the forgiveness path?
On some levels I have forgiven him for the cheating, for the lying, for the deception. At the surface level...I can never forgive him for what he did and is doing to his children. Not being a dad is unacceptable.
How does this forgiveness work? I need to figure it our...it holds me back so much
Words I need to keep on my heart. The anger I have built up inside of me is starting to eat me alive. Anger that can slowly turn me into the woman I do not want to be, the women I am scared of becoming. A women who is more consumed with getting even the looking at all of the beauty around her. A women who rather knock someone down then try to help the one down. This is not who I need to be.
To be able to forgive is a path that many do not want to go down, when they don't it eats them alive and then they start to live in a 'could have...should have' world. This is my world at the moment...I could have left before the wedding....I should have never let him home. This is all part of my history, the part of my life that is shaping me into the women God thought of when he made me for my mother's womb.
How do we forgive? Can't we just confess the anger? Do I have to go to the person and tell them I forgive them? What if we could never forgive? Are there things that people can do to us that we can never go down the forgiveness path?
On some levels I have forgiven him for the cheating, for the lying, for the deception. At the surface level...I can never forgive him for what he did and is doing to his children. Not being a dad is unacceptable.
How does this forgiveness work? I need to figure it our...it holds me back so much
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Release
Letting go and releasing the pain, hurt, humiliation and everything else in between that you caused. I have to let go, where do I start? How do you let go of it all?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Undoing the abuse
When my marriage started to fall apart, I started to see a therapist. She save my life! I was ready to walk into the ocean and not come out. I wanted all of the pain I was going through to stop. The therapist help me in so many ways. The one thing she helped me work through was the mental abuse I had gone through. I was always made to feel less then I was, told I was not good enough, that no one wanted me. I never learned to stand up for myself.
My father started the cycle, my brother added to it and the ex. added to it as well. My father was very controlling, he made me afraid of everything. My brother made me fearful of not being good enough. The ex. made me feel unworthy of his love and the love of others. No matter how much I tried to make the men in my life happy it was never good enough.
My therapist helped me see that all of that was bull shit. I am worthy.
So now the men in my life hate when I stand up for myself, they hate that I have a voice and I am not scared to use it.
I have to be aware of when I break myself down, aware of when I am concerned that people are not approving of me and my actions.
I have learned that my opion is the only one that matters to me, if you don't like/love me for who I am then get out of my life.
I am getting stronger, I am undoing the years of feeling unworthly of love and I will not seek the approval of anyone.
My father started the cycle, my brother added to it and the ex. added to it as well. My father was very controlling, he made me afraid of everything. My brother made me fearful of not being good enough. The ex. made me feel unworthy of his love and the love of others. No matter how much I tried to make the men in my life happy it was never good enough.
My therapist helped me see that all of that was bull shit. I am worthy.
So now the men in my life hate when I stand up for myself, they hate that I have a voice and I am not scared to use it.
I have to be aware of when I break myself down, aware of when I am concerned that people are not approving of me and my actions.
I have learned that my opion is the only one that matters to me, if you don't like/love me for who I am then get out of my life.
I am getting stronger, I am undoing the years of feeling unworthly of love and I will not seek the approval of anyone.
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