543

I was out of work for 543 days, that is a long time not being able to provide for my children the way they expect, not being able to provide for myself the things I am use to having. 543 days of not feeling good about myself. 543 days of trying to make the best of the situation.

So I decided, that I am going to list 543 lessons I learned, new discoveries, rediscoveries and blessings received during my time of unemployment. (this is going to stretch me and take awhile!!) And sorry if I repeat a few things....this is a long list :)

1. During this time I have learned that I need to value myself enough to take care of my body
2. I have learned who my real friends are and those who just wanted to be "friends" to get information to further their career.
3. I have learned the difference between wants and needs
4. Been blessed with people who have come along side of me to give me encouragement
5. I have come to understand that God does things in His time not mine.
6. Both of my boys are pretty much self reliant now and only need me in a pinch.
7. Rediscovered my love of the beach.
8. My church family stood in the gap with me during this time and prayed hard for me.
9. Discovered my love of reading is still there
10. Learned that I don't always have to say yes to everyone
11. That I can say no and not feel bad
12. Was able to be in places that I wanted to be with those I wanted to be with at anytime, any day of the week.
13. Reconnected with my adoptive family when my Fay Mom passed away. Was blessed by their love and acceptance of me as their sister and auntie
14. My brother is my best friend, it took us a few years to get back to that and I love every minute on the phone with him, every text and every visit with him. He raised me and loves me  and my faults!
15. Learned how much stress I was carrying around with me while in my last job. I was making myself sick with stress.
16. Rediscovered my love of naps!
17. I have been blessed with an amazing Mother in Law, she supported me, propped me up, told me I would get through this and loved me when she didn't have to.
18. My faith has grown stronger during this.
19. Having the ability to be there more for my youngest, spending more time with him has been great.
20. Learned that when backed into a corner, I find resources to get out of it.
21. I have learned to stop thinking that I am better than others.
22. Learned that breaking bad habit is freeing
23. Learned that building better habits will keep me healthy
24. Discovered what coffee shops have free Wi-Fi and who has good coffee.
25. Learned that being lazy is ok sometimes
26. Been blessed by strangers who have seen me cry ask if they could pray for me
27. Blessed by a couple that I sit by in church, their love and prayers kept me going.
28. Learned that I can send a child a state away to college and not cry.
29. Blessed when I see two birds or two butterflies to remind me of my moms and their love for me.
30. I have learned to stand up for myself and not back down.
31. Learned how generous my friends are.
32. I have figured out who I want as part of my life and those who I don't.
33. I have learned that I will not chase people to be part of my life.
34. Come to the conclusion that I don't need a man in my life to make me complete or happy. I am responsible for all of that.
35. That taking the time to read the bible is actually good for me (when I remember to)
36. Was blessed by a man named Tony that on some Sundays at church slip a $20 bill into my purse because he wanted me to do something special for me.
37. Learned to deal with the Medi-cal and EBT system to get the help I needed.
38. Learned that I had to reach out and ask for help and not to be ashamed for it.
39. Discovered the library is a great place to use the internet and get books when you don't have money to sit in a coffee shop to use their internet when you didn't have the money to pay for the internet at home. And books and DVDs are free to rent.
40. Learned the concept of delayed gratification. Learning to wait.
41. Patience....hard thing to learn but learned a little and still working on it.
42. When I put my mind to something I can do it, just takes me more time then most but it gets done.
43. I became pretty versed in the way the Federal Government works when they failed to pass unemployment extension for millions of Americans. I wrote Senator, Representatives and the President. I was quoted in an article for the Wall Street Journal and in a letter from the Ways and Means Committee to the Speaker of the House.
44. That it is ok to cry when you are sad and to let the tears just flow.
45. Being home so much made me realize I am a slob....have I taken care of that? not yet but it is good to recognize your faults.
46. Learned that I much rather spend time in the gym then in bed all day. Not to say that I don't have stay in bed all day days....
47. Blessed that is was God that keep my feet planted everyday and keeping me from going crazy.
48. Blessed that my Dad lives with us, financially I don't know how I would have been able to keep my house, put gas in the car some weeks or pay the bills.
49. Coupons are my friend! We have been able to have some meals with coupons (much to the embarrassment of the boys, who know love those coupons). When shopping at the grocery store whatever I saved in coupons I treated myself to something with the money saved.
50. Learned how to stretch a meal into a lunch or another dinner
51. Freezer bags have been my friend in assisting in #50.
52. Learning that making this list is harder than I thought....but goes back pushing myself
53. My friend AC gives me the greatest advice, she feels more like a little sister at times then a friend.
54. Another friend RC gave me the gift of taking care of me, she saw my weight going up and the depression sinking in.
55. I took some time to do a few on line bible studies, this helped me a lot!!
56. Realized that I did a pretty good job raising my boys.
57. Blessed by the pastor at my church, he does not know me or my story but weekly he says something that I swear is meant for me.
58. My computer, it helped me look for jobs, research and kept me entertained when I was not happy or when I was lonely.
59. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am ok being alone. I don't need a mate to make me happy...I have to make me happy first.
60. Learned to be content with what I have
61. Learned how to find the blessing in anything that comes my way the good and the bad.
62. The word hope....I love the word....hope for more of Christ in my life, hope for the best for my boys, hope for my circumstances to change, hope, hope....love it sounds much better than a wish!!

Ok for those who are actually reading all of this, I really thought I could write 543 things that I learned while out of work. The biggest things I have learned is that I am no ones door mat, that my boys are great, I have so many things to be grateful for and I learned that hope is not a wish, hope is something that will come true if I take it to God.

Thanks for reading this......

I do......I don't

I do want a job.....I don't want to be on unemployment and food stamps.
I do want to be remembered....I don't like being ignored or forgotten.
I do want my children to love me.....I don't want to be like my dad where a child does not love me.
I do want the love of God in my life.....I don't want to feel like He has forgotten my prayers.
I do want to lose this weight I carry around.....I don't want to feel unhealthy anymore.
I do want to be in mission with God....I don't know where I fit into that.
I do want a partner to walk through life with....I don't want a partner that lies and cheats.
I do want to be told that I have done a good job raising my boys alone....I don't like to be blamed when they do not doing life the way you expect.
I do want to be content with life.....I don't like the negative thoughts that run through my head.

OK...that is off my chest....now to make this list a reality!!!

Did I do this?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was not too excited about it. I had just had my first and was learning to be a mom, a wife and trying to balance work.

I was sick for three months straight before I found out, I mean super sick. Inner ear infection, major case of strep throat and a viral infection. I was on so much medication, it is a miracle he did make it.

Once I found out I was pregnant and was no longer sick, I wished I would miscarry. I couldn't handle the idea of another baby. My marriage was starting to shake a little and I worried what it would do to us.

As my pregnancy progressed, they couldn't find the base of his spinal cord during an ultrasound visit. Part of me was ok...well you didn't want to be pregnant and the another part of me was...please God let them find it next time we go in. The did find it and that is when I wanted him more than anything.

He was an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery. At birth he slept through  the night at birth. Once he started walking and talking then things changed! He was always on the go, into things he should have been, making messes and just keeping us on our toes.

He was a handful at preschool, and the teachers were always complaining about him not taking naps. I being the protective one and one in the child development field had to put them in their place. And ever since then I have always stood up for him, making excuses for him not following directions, not doing his homework, not going to school, etc....

Now at 17 he wants to be on his own, take the GED and be done with school. He is nasty to me, he is spoiled and does not lift a finger to help anyone especially me.

Since the divorce he has been angry at me. Talking down to me, telling me I am ugly and stupid.

Did do this to him? I raised him the best I could alone...did I not punish him enough? Did I give into his whims to much?

He is so smart and talented. I see that in him, he can do whatever he puts his mind to. At 17 he sees no future for himself, he just sees what is wrong with the world. At 17 he is not concerned with making a difference in the world or helping others he only sees away to make as much money as he can.

Did I do this to him? Losing my job and being out of work for over a year has shown him that a college degree isn't worth anything.

Why do I feel like I have let him down? Does he know that I didn't want him in the beginning and that is why he is mad at me all the time?

I want the best for my sons, I promised their Grandfather that I would do everything in my power to raise them to be good men.

Where did I go wrong? Did I do this?

so little change

I have been out of work now for 13 months...and there is no change in my life. Still searching for that next chapter in my life, my next job, my next love, my next something!!!

We go and go searching for the perfect in everything, but can't we just be happy with what we have? I have heard several sermons at church about us wanting to go back to the garden, the Garden of Eden where things were simpler and easy until we started to want more.

I need to learn to be content with what I have, and be content with who I am and stop searching for the next. I have to learn to let God direct me to that next, I have to learn to trust that He has not forgotten me and that He loves me and wants me to be happy.

I also have to accept that change does not happen over night.....just like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly....it takes time to change.

Selfie

One of the areas of my life I have been trying to work on is....loving me! Loving myself just the way I am...overweight but happy, unhappy but hopeful, hopeful but doubtful...see full of uncertainty but optimistic of the work God is doing inside of me.

So, I have decided that I need to start taking selfies to see myself for who and what I am.....

 



This is Klondike and I after one of our hikes (he wouldn't smile for the camera). Part of trying to love myself is to lose some much needed weight, trying to walk/hike 15 miles a week. Which is not much but I hope to increase the amount as time goes on. I have lost 2 pounds since we have started this. Not a lot but it is a start. Klondike is a great motivator, he knows at 9:00pm it is time for a walk and will whine until he gets one. Its pretty annoying so I have to give in.

I love being out in the trails and seeing what beauty God has created for us. Looking at how perfectly He designed everything. From the birds in the trees, the bugs on the ground to the green grass that grows all around. Wow, he thought of everything. He designed me to love His creations.

I love, love being anywhere near the ocean!! After I took this picture, I was walking back to my car when a punk ass kid yelled 'go fatty' at me. A few years that would have made me cry and beat myself up mentally. This time I let it roll off of my back. That punk knows nothing about me, he does not know the struggles I have with losing weight.

When I look at this picture of me, I see someone who is starting to be content with who she is, someone that does not see value in what others think of her. Of course I want everyone to love me, but I know that is not going to always happen. And that is ok, my feeling is that if you don't want to take the time to know me then it is one you not me. I am a great person with a lot of love to give.

One more near my favorite place...the ocean!! Specifically Sunset Cliffs in Point Loma. This has to be the most beautiful place in San Diego!! God really did some overtime on this place!! He keeps crafting it when the waves crash against the cliffs to reshape them. I love how strong the ocean is, how unpredictable it is.

Have to say I love this picture of me, I see a content person and my true smile is there (but of course I hate my nose and neck in it, but I am learning to let that go). God is really starting to put me back together and remaking me into the women he wants me to be and I cannot wait for the finished product!

If I learned anything in the last 11 months of being out of work, is that it is necessary for me to go to my favorite places, to enjoy nature and all that God has created. To stop and look at the beauty and give thanks for it. And I have to start learning to love myself despite the flaws I see because more than likely no one else sees them. God does not see them.....so why should I? I was made in His image and He is not flawed!!

Kiddy Fit

I just want to throw on of those major kiddy fits we all use to throw when we were kids!!!

I don't want to look for another job that I will not get....I don't I don't I don't!!! I want to sit hear and fold my arms and stomp me feet so someone can send me to my room!!!

I am so tired of applying for jobs non stop!! To date I have applied to 225 positions in your name in area of work. I just want a job...something...anything...

The reason I want to stomp my feet is that I have to do 20+ hours of job searching weekly and log it just right and submit them to the welfare office by the 5th of each month and I hate to do them!! I hate going there, to be told by a 20 something year old that I need to redo them, that I need to come and sit in their computer lab to job search (when I am more than capable of doing that on my own in my own space) and that I need to be willing to take a minimum wage job.

AHHHHH!!!! Stomp....Stomp....Over it!!! Can I be sent to my room??

Caterpillars

The past few days have been quite challenging to say the least! I have cried in public places, I have beat myself up mentally and have given up on the idea of Hope.

Then I went here....

 This is about a five minute drive from my house, and next to being near the ocean it is my favorite place (especially when it is green). During my walk there were caterpillars all over the place. I cheer them on and pray they have a chance to make it, a chance to become who God intended them to be.

Seeing them me think....am I a caterpillar? I am changing? Am I going through a Metamorphosis? But into what? I want so much to be a changed women, someone who shows happiness, someone who shows the love and power of Jesus....is that what is happening? But isn't that happening to all of us? We are all changing and evolving into something then we were. I know I don't want to be the same person a year from now.  

I keep trying to wrap my brain around the idea of why I have been out of work so long. The idea of changing keep coming to mind. There is some kind of work being done inside of me. Something that is going to bring me out of this season changed, reformed, made into something else.



Poor Klondike had to be told over and over again not to step, eat, pee on or sniff the caterpillars. (This is the look he gave me after the all of the reminders).....We all need a chance to grow and thrive and people just need to allow us and encourage us just like I do with the caterpillars