Christmas....blahs

So today is Christmas....why do I dislike it so much this year? I didn't want to decorate, didn't want a tree and the thought of spending so much money for one day made me stress out.

I have been slowly disliking Christmas actually for sometime now. Maybe it's a bit of greed, I don't get gifts from the boy, my dad get me strange things I really don't need (last year it was a broach and this year I pen)(I like the gesture though).

I do everything in this house, clean, cook, the laundry, drive people from place to place. I decorate at the holidays and I undecorate when its over. I am tired of doing everything, tired of people expecting so much from me.

I also think I dislike it so much because it reminds me that I no longer have a complete family. I am divorced, my brother and I don't speak and my mom has been gone since I was 7. I get to enjoy the boys family and I love them so much but I am just a bystander there.

I want so much for someone to come and sweep my off of my feet and take care of me!!! I am over taking care of everyone!!

I just want Christmas to be magical again!

I just don't get it

I know friends come and go....but why? If there were truly a close friend then they wouldn't go.....right??

I put so much hope in my friends, that there will be a two way street of communication not just a dead end communication. That we will see each other...rather then talking about it. That we will share each others life's...not just me sharing.

I am a friend that no one wants? I just don't get it!

I am a good mom!

In the boys family when you turn 16 you get a container of coins, my oldest got his last January. He rolled the coins himself and was saving it for a camera.

I decided the other day that I would take the coins and turn them into cash and hand it to him. Was going to tell him he could open a bank account with it or use it towards something for his camera.

When I went to get his container of coins out of his room it was gone! That night I asked him about it and he started to get a tear in his eye. He told me that he gave it to his Dad when he didn't have a place to stay. He thought it would help him.

I hugged my son and told him I was proud of him for putting others first. I have always raised the boys to think of others, to put their needs second when others need help.

I am doing this Mom thing right, they are getting what I am trying to teach them!

Now.....have to help my son get that money back!

Feeling like a Fraud and other thoughts

Lately I have been feeling like a fraud when it comes to my faith walk. I know there is a higher power, I believe Jesus walked on this earth and I hope that when my time on this earth comes to an end that I will see God and he will that I have done a good job on earth.

I have been sitting in church lately a little preoccupied, not really listening to the message...I am just taking up space.

In my small group, I listen to the people in my group and they get the bible, they get this relationship thing with God. I just sit there and listen. I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the conversation. Don't feel like I fit in....just taking up space.

When it is time to pray, I start out praying and then my mind goes else where.

I feel like I am a fraud within my small group and as a member of a church community. Just taking up space,  and taking prayers from others that get it.


My other thought I have been having lately....why do I not have any friends? I mean I have people in my life that I consider a friends but I feel like people don't like me. They don't talk to me. I can be in a room full of people I know and people ignore me. I call people, email people, text people but I am never invited places, not included.

Could it be that I am just making this stuff up in my head? Or am I just having one of those moments?

The boys and dating

I have been thinking lately about the boys and them dating. Is it wrong of me not wanting them to? I mean they have a whole life time to date or am I just projecting my lack of dating on them?

I have friends that encourage their kids to date as early as sixth grade, my two have not had a girlfriend let alone take a girl on a date as 'friends'.

In part I don't want them to date because they need to focus on their grades and sports. This is what is going to get them into college....not who they are dating!

Am I wrong not encouraging them to date?

Things learned while teaching your son to drive

Jonathan has started to drive and I am having the hardest time!!! Not because he is a bad driver (he does have a lot to learn, like breaking), it's because I have to give up control!

I am the driver, I have been driving them since they were born. I always drive! And now I have to give up the control of driving. And I think its more then Jonathan driving, its that he is growing up!

This morning we were driving and I told him that the reason I freak out when he is driving is because I like to be in control! He smiled and looked and me and said "Mom its time to let it all go!" Wow my wise child!

How in the heck do I do that? And when did I become such a control freak?

Gesh...growing up is hard at 43!

judged

For the first time in a long time, I felt judged by my weight. It cut through me like a knife and it hurt like hell!! And I think it hurt more because it was done by someone I know.

I know that I am not as thin as I use to be, but I am the same person that I was when I only weighted 100 pounds (well I have grown up a bit, a little more wiser).

The sad thing about being judged is that you don't get the chance to explain yourself, you don't get the chance to defend yourself...you are just looked over and thrown to the side like a piece of trash.

I know I am love by God and I know He does not judge me for my weight....He loves me just the way I am. And I am ok with that...that is the man I need more in my life.