Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Depression has set in

All I want to do is eat, sleep and be alone....depression of not having a job has set in. I am trying to fight it and it is consuming me. I just want to shut the world out and stew in my own loathing.

But because I trust in God, He will help me fight this. He is setting out a path for me to walk on. I am so scared to walk on the path. What happens if it takes me to places I don't want to go, what if it does not pull my out of this funk I am in.

God....I am putty in your hands, please pull me out of this. Help me to see I have worth, I am loved and people like/love me.

Hate this feeling God...pull me.....

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

58 and 45...... depression is mounting and is there hope?

58 is the number of days I have been unemployed and 45 is the number of positions I have applied for in these 58 days. I have been trying to keep a positive outlook that something is going to come my way, a position that is going to change me, a position that is going to make me happy.

58 days of trying to figure out the next stage of my life, 45 applications trying to get someone to hire me.

The depression is setting in, feeling hopeless, feeling lost, feeling unwanted, feeling left behind, feeling forgotten.

45 applications that I hope will impress someone, only 2 have contacted me, one interview and one phone interview and no offer of employment.

58 days of trying to put on the happy face on for the boys, trying to make them feel like we are going to be ok that things will work out.

58 days of wondering when I will feel some satisfaction of doing a good job, of helping people be the best they can be.

It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning, getting harder to put on the happy face.

I know that God has a plan for me, a plan to bring me happiness.....but when? I am tired of watching other people be happy, tired of watching people get what they want (promotions, raises, the love of their life, new car, new house, etc...). I want it to be my time!

I have given all this to God, I have prayed about it, I have asked others to pray for me...nothing is happening....tired of being sad, tired of putting the happy face on.....

58 days and a piece of me died.....45 prayers unanswered.....how many more times do I have to count?

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San Diego, CA, United States