Monday, December 1, 2014


I was out of work for 543 days, that is a long time not being able to provide for my children the way they expect, not being able to provide for myself the things I am use to having. 543 days of not feeling good about myself. 543 days of trying to make the best of the situation.

So I decided, that I am going to list 543 lessons I learned, new discoveries, rediscoveries and blessings received during my time of unemployment. (this is going to stretch me and take awhile!!) And sorry if I repeat a few things....this is a long list :)

1. During this time I have learned that I need to value myself enough to take care of my body
2. I have learned who my real friends are and those who just wanted to be "friends" to get information to further their career.
3. I have learned the difference between wants and needs
4. Been blessed with people who have come along side of me to give me encouragement
5. I have come to understand that God does things in His time not mine.
6. Both of my boys are pretty much self reliant now and only need me in a pinch.
7. Rediscovered my love of the beach.
8. My church family stood in the gap with me during this time and prayed hard for me.
9. Discovered my love of reading is still there
10. Learned that I don't always have to say yes to everyone
11. That I can say no and not feel bad
12. Was able to be in places that I wanted to be with those I wanted to be with at anytime, any day of the week.
13. Reconnected with my adoptive family when my Fay Mom passed away. Was blessed by their love and acceptance of me as their sister and auntie
14. My brother is my best friend, it took us a few years to get back to that and I love every minute on the phone with him, every text and every visit with him. He raised me and loves me  and my faults!
15. Learned how much stress I was carrying around with me while in my last job. I was making myself sick with stress.
16. Rediscovered my love of naps!
17. I have been blessed with an amazing Mother in Law, she supported me, propped me up, told me I would get through this and loved me when she didn't have to.
18. My faith has grown stronger during this.
19. Having the ability to be there more for my youngest, spending more time with him has been great.
20. Learned that when backed into a corner, I find resources to get out of it.
21. I have learned to stop thinking that I am better than others.
22. Learned that breaking bad habit is freeing
23. Learned that building better habits will keep me healthy
24. Discovered what coffee shops have free Wi-Fi and who has good coffee.
25. Learned that being lazy is ok sometimes
26. Been blessed by strangers who have seen me cry ask if they could pray for me
27. Blessed by a couple that I sit by in church, their love and prayers kept me going.
28. Learned that I can send a child a state away to college and not cry.
29. Blessed when I see two birds or two butterflies to remind me of my moms and their love for me.
30. I have learned to stand up for myself and not back down.
31. Learned how generous my friends are.
32. I have figured out who I want as part of my life and those who I don't.
33. I have learned that I will not chase people to be part of my life.
34. Come to the conclusion that I don't need a man in my life to make me complete or happy. I am responsible for all of that.
35. That taking the time to read the bible is actually good for me (when I remember to)
36. Was blessed by a man named Tony that on some Sundays at church slip a $20 bill into my purse because he wanted me to do something special for me.
37. Learned to deal with the Medi-cal and EBT system to get the help I needed.
38. Learned that I had to reach out and ask for help and not to be ashamed for it.
39. Discovered the library is a great place to use the internet and get books when you don't have money to sit in a coffee shop to use their internet when you didn't have the money to pay for the internet at home. And books and DVDs are free to rent.
40. Learned the concept of delayed gratification. Learning to wait.
41. Patience....hard thing to learn but learned a little and still working on it.
42. When I put my mind to something I can do it, just takes me more time then most but it gets done.
43. I became pretty versed in the way the Federal Government works when they failed to pass unemployment extension for millions of Americans. I wrote Senator, Representatives and the President. I was quoted in an article for the Wall Street Journal and in a letter from the Ways and Means Committee to the Speaker of the House.
44. That it is ok to cry when you are sad and to let the tears just flow.
45. Being home so much made me realize I am a slob....have I taken care of that? not yet but it is good to recognize your faults.
46. Learned that I much rather spend time in the gym then in bed all day. Not to say that I don't have stay in bed all day days....
47. Blessed that is was God that keep my feet planted everyday and keeping me from going crazy.
48. Blessed that my Dad lives with us, financially I don't know how I would have been able to keep my house, put gas in the car some weeks or pay the bills.
49. Coupons are my friend! We have been able to have some meals with coupons (much to the embarrassment of the boys, who know love those coupons). When shopping at the grocery store whatever I saved in coupons I treated myself to something with the money saved.
50. Learned how to stretch a meal into a lunch or another dinner
51. Freezer bags have been my friend in assisting in #50.
52. Learning that making this list is harder than I thought....but goes back pushing myself
53. My friend AC gives me the greatest advice, she feels more like a little sister at times then a friend.
54. Another friend RC gave me the gift of taking care of me, she saw my weight going up and the depression sinking in.
55. I took some time to do a few on line bible studies, this helped me a lot!!
56. Realized that I did a pretty good job raising my boys.
57. Blessed by the pastor at my church, he does not know me or my story but weekly he says something that I swear is meant for me.
58. My computer, it helped me look for jobs, research and kept me entertained when I was not happy or when I was lonely.
59. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am ok being alone. I don't need a mate to make me happy...I have to make me happy first.
60. Learned to be content with what I have
61. Learned how to find the blessing in anything that comes my way the good and the bad.
62. The word hope....I love the word....hope for more of Christ in my life, hope for the best for my boys, hope for my circumstances to change, hope, it sounds much better than a wish!!

Ok for those who are actually reading all of this, I really thought I could write 543 things that I learned while out of work. The biggest things I have learned is that I am no ones door mat, that my boys are great, I have so many things to be grateful for and I learned that hope is not a wish, hope is something that will come true if I take it to God.

Thanks for reading this......

Saturday, October 25, 2014

I do......I don't

I do want a job.....I don't want to be on unemployment and food stamps.
I do want to be remembered....I don't like being ignored or forgotten.
I do want my children to love me.....I don't want to be like my dad where a child does not love me.
I do want the love of God in my life.....I don't want to feel like He has forgotten my prayers.
I do want to lose this weight I carry around.....I don't want to feel unhealthy anymore.
I do want to be in mission with God....I don't know where I fit into that.
I do want a partner to walk through life with....I don't want a partner that lies and cheats.
I do want to be told that I have done a good job raising my boys alone....I don't like to be blamed when they do not doing life the way you expect.
I do want to be content with life.....I don't like the negative thoughts that run through my head.

OK...that is off my to make this list a reality!!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Did I do this?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was not too excited about it. I had just had my first and was learning to be a mom, a wife and trying to balance work.

I was sick for three months straight before I found out, I mean super sick. Inner ear infection, major case of strep throat and a viral infection. I was on so much medication, it is a miracle he did make it.

Once I found out I was pregnant and was no longer sick, I wished I would miscarry. I couldn't handle the idea of another baby. My marriage was starting to shake a little and I worried what it would do to us.

As my pregnancy progressed, they couldn't find the base of his spinal cord during an ultrasound visit. Part of me was ok...well you didn't want to be pregnant and the another part of me was...please God let them find it next time we go in. The did find it and that is when I wanted him more than anything.

He was an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery. At birth he slept through  the night at birth. Once he started walking and talking then things changed! He was always on the go, into things he should have been, making messes and just keeping us on our toes.

He was a handful at preschool, and the teachers were always complaining about him not taking naps. I being the protective one and one in the child development field had to put them in their place. And ever since then I have always stood up for him, making excuses for him not following directions, not doing his homework, not going to school, etc....

Now at 17 he wants to be on his own, take the GED and be done with school. He is nasty to me, he is spoiled and does not lift a finger to help anyone especially me.

Since the divorce he has been angry at me. Talking down to me, telling me I am ugly and stupid.

Did do this to him? I raised him the best I could alone...did I not punish him enough? Did I give into his whims to much?

He is so smart and talented. I see that in him, he can do whatever he puts his mind to. At 17 he sees no future for himself, he just sees what is wrong with the world. At 17 he is not concerned with making a difference in the world or helping others he only sees away to make as much money as he can.

Did I do this to him? Losing my job and being out of work for over a year has shown him that a college degree isn't worth anything.

Why do I feel like I have let him down? Does he know that I didn't want him in the beginning and that is why he is mad at me all the time?

I want the best for my sons, I promised their Grandfather that I would do everything in my power to raise them to be good men.

Where did I go wrong? Did I do this?

Thursday, June 19, 2014

so little change

I have been out of work now for 13 months...and there is no change in my life. Still searching for that next chapter in my life, my next job, my next love, my next something!!!

We go and go searching for the perfect in everything, but can't we just be happy with what we have? I have heard several sermons at church about us wanting to go back to the garden, the Garden of Eden where things were simpler and easy until we started to want more.

I need to learn to be content with what I have, and be content with who I am and stop searching for the next. I have to learn to let God direct me to that next, I have to learn to trust that He has not forgotten me and that He loves me and wants me to be happy.

I also have to accept that change does not happen over night.....just like the caterpillar becoming a takes time to change.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


One of the areas of my life I have been trying to work on is....loving me! Loving myself just the way I am...overweight but happy, unhappy but hopeful, hopeful but doubtful...see full of uncertainty but optimistic of the work God is doing inside of me.

So, I have decided that I need to start taking selfies to see myself for who and what I am.....


This is Klondike and I after one of our hikes (he wouldn't smile for the camera). Part of trying to love myself is to lose some much needed weight, trying to walk/hike 15 miles a week. Which is not much but I hope to increase the amount as time goes on. I have lost 2 pounds since we have started this. Not a lot but it is a start. Klondike is a great motivator, he knows at 9:00pm it is time for a walk and will whine until he gets one. Its pretty annoying so I have to give in.

I love being out in the trails and seeing what beauty God has created for us. Looking at how perfectly He designed everything. From the birds in the trees, the bugs on the ground to the green grass that grows all around. Wow, he thought of everything. He designed me to love His creations.

I love, love being anywhere near the ocean!! After I took this picture, I was walking back to my car when a punk ass kid yelled 'go fatty' at me. A few years that would have made me cry and beat myself up mentally. This time I let it roll off of my back. That punk knows nothing about me, he does not know the struggles I have with losing weight.

When I look at this picture of me, I see someone who is starting to be content with who she is, someone that does not see value in what others think of her. Of course I want everyone to love me, but I know that is not going to always happen. And that is ok, my feeling is that if you don't want to take the time to know me then it is one you not me. I am a great person with a lot of love to give.

One more near my favorite place...the ocean!! Specifically Sunset Cliffs in Point Loma. This has to be the most beautiful place in San Diego!! God really did some overtime on this place!! He keeps crafting it when the waves crash against the cliffs to reshape them. I love how strong the ocean is, how unpredictable it is.

Have to say I love this picture of me, I see a content person and my true smile is there (but of course I hate my nose and neck in it, but I am learning to let that go). God is really starting to put me back together and remaking me into the women he wants me to be and I cannot wait for the finished product!

If I learned anything in the last 11 months of being out of work, is that it is necessary for me to go to my favorite places, to enjoy nature and all that God has created. To stop and look at the beauty and give thanks for it. And I have to start learning to love myself despite the flaws I see because more than likely no one else sees them. God does not see why should I? I was made in His image and He is not flawed!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Kiddy Fit

I just want to throw on of those major kiddy fits we all use to throw when we were kids!!!

I don't want to look for another job that I will not get....I don't I don't I don't!!! I want to sit hear and fold my arms and stomp me feet so someone can send me to my room!!!

I am so tired of applying for jobs non stop!! To date I have applied to 225 positions in your name in area of work. I just want a job...something...anything...

The reason I want to stomp my feet is that I have to do 20+ hours of job searching weekly and log it just right and submit them to the welfare office by the 5th of each month and I hate to do them!! I hate going there, to be told by a 20 something year old that I need to redo them, that I need to come and sit in their computer lab to job search (when I am more than capable of doing that on my own in my own space) and that I need to be willing to take a minimum wage job.

AHHHHH!!!! Stomp....Stomp....Over it!!! Can I be sent to my room??

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


The past few days have been quite challenging to say the least! I have cried in public places, I have beat myself up mentally and have given up on the idea of Hope.

Then I went here....
 This is about a five minute drive from my house, and next to being near the ocean it is my favorite place (especially when it is green). During my walk there were caterpillars all over the place. I cheer them on and pray they have a chance to make it, a chance to become who God intended them to be.
Seeing them me I a caterpillar? I am changing? Am I going through a Metamorphosis? But into what? I want so much to be a changed women, someone who shows happiness, someone who shows the love and power of that what is happening? But isn't that happening to all of us? We are all changing and evolving into something then we were. I know I don't want to be the same person a year from now.  

I keep trying to wrap my brain around the idea of why I have been out of work so long. The idea of changing keep coming to mind. There is some kind of work being done inside of me. Something that is going to bring me out of this season changed, reformed, made into something else.

Poor Klondike had to be told over and over again not to step, eat, pee on or sniff the caterpillars. (This is the look he gave me after the all of the reminders).....We all need a chance to grow and thrive and people just need to allow us and encourage us just like I do with the caterpillars

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Why I believe in God

Tyler has been going on and on about the Bill Nye the Science Guy and a Professor of Creation, and that Bill Nye kept shooting down all of the creationist ideas. He asked why I believe in God. He and I have had many conversations about religion in the past few years and he has never bought into the idea of religion.

This is what I told him, I told him about how in the deepest, darkest days what pulled me out, got me out of bed and kept me moving was the belief that there was something more then this, something more after this life.

I shared with him the people who came into my life by chance. My Fay Mom, who was just a neighbor who came into my life to change the course of my life. My in laws, who loved me and still love me as their own when they could have turned their backs on me. Tony and Susan who sit next to me every Sunday in church, they pray for me and give me support. Tony sneaks a twenty into my purse every Sunday since my unemployment benefits stopped. His Aunt Lisa, who from the age of 8 until now has been the most important person in my life. She has stood with me through thick and thin has never left my side when most of my friends have vanished. A man named Derek who read an newspaper article that I was quoted in about unemployment benefits who offered to send me a gift card at any store of my choice to help my family.

These are just some of the people who came into my life by chance, I asked him if he thought it was by chance or by design/destiny? I gave him many other examples that have happened in my life where something happened to me that changes everything.

We talked about how things just happen and why. Especially when there is no logical reason for them to happen.

I believe there is something more to this life, something that comes and takes my burdens. I believe in Hope...Hope for more then this heartache I have each day.

Leap of Fatih...week one

I attend a pretty amazing church named Journey Community Church, I have been attending there about 5 years and I am proud to call that church home.

About once a year we do a church wide study, this year we are doing a Leap of Faith. 40 days through the Book of Mark.

Part of this study is to boldly stand before God and ask a risky prayer. Being I like to get more than asked I have decided on three bold prayers.

One, to get a position that will being me personal satisfaction and a decent salary. This is something I have been praying for at least 8 months. Being out of work this long as really taken a toll on me.

Two, for help to lost this much needed weight. I know that my weight does not define me as a women it does has a lot to do with my overall health and well being.

And third, for a life partner someone who loves me for me. Someone that can make be laugh on a daily bases, someone to help me feel safe. I have resisted dating for so long and I think it is time for me to have someone.

In church today, I was thinking of my three prayers and asking myself if I was asking for to much. But then it hit me....the three prayers at some level involve my happiness. Real happiness, to the core of my being happiness the kind of happiness that keeps a smile on your face.

For so many years I haven't smiled. I do smile but not from the deep parts of my soul smiles.

Boldly I pray for my happiness....not my families happiness, not my friends happiness, not the churches happiness but for MY HAPPINESS!!! Heck I deserve it! To be able to be a Christ follower and follow what Jesus was telling everyone I need that happiness. That happiness will bring joy to others when I am able to share that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

What have I lost out in?

I think because I was so scared when I was younger I missed out on so much! Don't get me wrong I had some great adventures when I was younger and a few battle scars from them but I have the achy feeling that I have lost some kind of chunk of my life.

Could it be the chunk of meeting my future husband at the age of 19 and was with him until we divorced (that was close to 20 years of being together). I lost a huge chunk of time with someone that really didn't love me, someone who didn't think of forever and someone who didn't think twice of taking that time away from me.

There is so much I could have done....traveled, went to more parties, met more people.

Don't get me wrong, we did have a great relationship until things in our life changed. I have two amazing sons from the marriage and an amazing extended family because of it....but I do regret not getting out sooner, and moving home when it didn't seem he wanted to marry me.

I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't meet the 'man of my dreams' at 19. Where would I be? What would I have? Would I be happy?

I don't like living life in the 'should of, could of' world....I guess I have the next 40 or so years to really reclaim that time....

Saturday, February 22, 2014


For the last eight months I have been trying to wrap my brain why I am out of work. Trying to figure out what lessons that I need to learn during this time. At first I thought it was because I never spent time for me, I was always working and doing for others but not for me. Then I thought it was to teach me that I need to slow down, I move too fast sometimes for the world and myself. But I think it is much more than that.

I think I am going through the lesson now, I think Gods intent was to break me down to the littlest pieces so He can build me back up.

I have learned some truths about myself lately (and I can barely type them without crying)....

I thought to high of myself, that I was to good for others, that I was superior than others, that I was smarter than others and that my shit didn't stink.

I learned that I am selfish, I am a giving person but I expect so much back from others.

Learned that I think of myself before others, and that sometimes I am not the greatest friend.

Learned I am hard to love, that has prevented me from allowing people to get close to me.

Somewhere in my life I became to materialistic, I would rather spend my last penny on me than to give it to someone who needed it or even to save it.

Eight years ago I went through the darkest period of my life, I was divorcing the man that I would spend my life with. I became bitter, depressed and was very harden from the experience. And I hurt many people along the way. (hurt people...hurt people).

I don't know if anyone really reads this, but I am sorry to those I have hurt along the way. I am hoping God is building me back into the person that I lost over eight years ago. He is trying to grow me into a better friend, a better Christ Follower, a better mom....and a better human being.

I don't want to be this sad bitter person anymore. I don't want to be the person everyone leaves alone at parties or church functions.

I know God is working hard in me...He wants me out of this season...He wants me healthy in order to His work on earth.

He is planting seeds in me and is trying to water them.....and when the season is over...He will grow beautiful flowers.....


Saturday, February 8, 2014

Lessons from hanging out at public libaries

So while Tyler is at school or skating, I have been hanging out at the public library....let me tell you there are so many life lessons from just people watching there, here are a few of the lessons and the people who have taught me them

-Porn watching guy: We all have things in our life we would like to hid and that we all have some kind of addiction.

-Ankle bracelet tracking device wearing guy: We have all done things we are not proud of and we all have something that reminds us of our mistakes.

-Kissing older man: That we all want to be loved and we all deserve it.

-Key in the ear scratching man: Mommy always taught us not to put things in our ears. And we should have listened more carefully before we moved away and became adults.

-Alcohol smuggling homeless man: We all try to get away with something, but that does not get us to a closer relationship with God and others.

-Sweet older lady teaching someone English: Reaching out helping others is amazing, being of service to others is a gift that many of us need.

- Guy checking out the ladies: Remember that women are not objects of our desires but they are to be loved and respected.

It has been great people watching, and a lot of thanking God for the blessings He has given to me and my family.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Confessions of a Fat Lady.......My scale is not the problem, it's me

That darn scale has not budged in days! Then I started to look over my food journal, and most days I stay at or just under my allotted calories for the day and yes there are some where I am way over.

This losing weight thing starts and stops with ME! No one else, can't blame the scale or the temptation of yummy, so not good for me food.

I am reading a book called "Made to Crave", and this statement really got me 'I was just eating too much of the wrong kinds of food and felt trapped in a cycle of hunger. I felt hungry all the time. And I felt discouraged and down about my escalating weight yet powerless to make the necessary changes.'

I have all of the tools in the world to eat better, to buy better food into my body but I just don't do it.

I wrote a reply to an On Line Bible study on this book (highly recommend Proverbs 31 ministries on line bible studies), my comment was about how almost every conversation I have is about food or there is food around us when we are talking about food. I have replaced the idea of food being something to fuel my body as something to indulge in, something that everything in my life circles around. When I am sad I eat, when I am happy I eat, when I am ______ (insert emotion here) I eat.
Don't get me wrong, I love the time I spent with people around a great meal. But eating has consumed my life, I rather eat the face some of the issues in my life.

Philippians 4:13 says' I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' I need to turn to him during emotional times and ask for guidance, I need to turn off the switch that tells me to eat during emotional times.

Need to rethink what I put into my it for fuel or for pleasure?

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Loving myself

Hmmm....loving myself, what does that mean? How do I go about doing this?

I dug around the Internet for a bit and found some great things about self love. I love this "to love yourself means to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Then having faith in yourself that you can do better next time around". So powerful, I beat myself up so much when I mess up or make a mistake.

Dug around some more and found this need to break the bondage of self rejection, self hatred, unforgiveness, bitterness, being hard on self, ashamed, low self esteem, feeling ugly and stupid.

Wow....all of the things I do to myself on a daily, minute by minute bases. And I need to stop doing all of that to myself! I was made in the image of God, He does not hate himself, he does not say He is dumb, he forgives and loves over and over again.

I need to be thankful and appreciate what God has given me. I need to fall in love with myself and how God made me.

I need to let go of the worry of what will happen next in my life.

I need to be kind to myself and forgive myself

I need grow spiritually

I need to say positive affirmations to myself everyday

I need to acknowledge I am not perfect and I need to learn from mistakes and trust myself that I will not do it again

I need to express gratitude to those who help me, to those who love me and to those who stand in the gap with me

I need to take care of my body, not only to be healthy but to honor God that he created me

I need to see the beauty within myself and all around

I need to step out of my comfort zone and try new things to boost my self confidence

I need to have fun and relax

God loved me enough to make me realize that I don't love myself. I need to not take me for granted anymore.

Who is with me on this journey....we are all worth and then some!!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Heavenly Father vs. Earthly Father...the struggle

I have been struggling with the idea of how my relationship with God has been affected by my relationship with my earthly Father.

My earthly father is hard to live with, hard to love and hard to be around. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my father and appreciate what he has done for my brother and I and what he continues to do for me and my boys.

I know in reading scripture that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what I do, I know that I can go to Him and ask for forgiveness when I mess up and all will be forgiven. He does not hold my past mistakes over my head and remind me over and over again about how much I have messed up.

My earthly father reminds me all the time how much I have messed up; he holds it over my head and makes me feel ashamed about my mistakes. He tells people about how much I have messed up and how he is constantly helping me out of messes. I have yet to hear him tell me that I have done a good job with the boys and that he is proud of me.

This is where my struggle starts, I know both provide, I know that both love me…but are both of them disappointed in me? Why do I doubt their love? Why do I not believe what they tell me?

I think the struggles I am having with God at the moment come from how my relationship is with my earthly father…How do I fix this? Build a better relationship with my earthly father? Lean more into my heavenly father? I am stuck in this struggle……

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Confessions of a Fat scale is bi-polar

I have a really bad habit of always weighing myself all the time and I have come to the conclusion my scale is bi-polar!!

In the morning I will weigh 177 and then an hour later I will weigh 179 and then a few hours I will weigh 176 and then scale is all over the place. I know as the day goes on you put a little weight on. But to go up and down all day long drives me crazy.

I have been pretty good about watching what I am eating, trying to take the dog for a walk at least 5 times a week. But this bi-polar scale is driving me crazy.

Need to think about how my body feels, do I have more energy, are my clothes feeling loose and am I realizing my cravings for food can be suppressed by seeking other things besides food.

I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and so far I love it! The book is about feeling our cravings for food with scripture and craving a relationship with God more than food. The book is not saying that our relationship with God will satisfy us more then food, its more about figuring why we crave and over eat.

I eat when I am bored, I overeat because I am not listening to my body...I need to realize that I only need food to fuel my body, I don't need it to feel better about myself...

Now I need to deal with my bi-polar scale...think it might be time for a new one.

Friday, January 17, 2014

How did I get here?

I have been out of work now for 8 months, yes the first month or two felt like a vacation. Heck I had been working since I was 17 years old with the only breaks being having babies and one break between job (lasted only two months). I have been searching, applying and praying for a job for 8 months.

In December the federal government cut long term unemployment benefits leaving 1.3 million people without benefits. Leaving 2.3 million children without support as well. I never thought of myself of as a political advocate but the last few weeks I have emailed my State Senators, my House Representative urging them to approve the unemployment benefits. I tell this story to anyone that will listen and urge them to tell the story of 1.3 million people and urge them to contact their State Senators and House Representatives.

There are some that say that unemployed people just use the system and do nothing to help their situation...well I am here to tell you I have applied to 140 jobs, I have applied to 2 temp agencies and have looked high and low for a job.

The lack of money coming in has shown me that there are people who care about me, my father is helping, my hairdresser is coloring my hair for free (don't want to go to interviews with grey roots) and I have the sweetest couple I sit next to at church who sneak money into my purse while I am not looking.

All of this has lead me a place of desperation, to a place so low that I cannot see the light but I hang onto HOPE....hope for something to bend in this process, hope for the government to do the right thing, hope for a new job that will lead me out of this place.

God and I have fought a lot lately, I tell him I doubt his power in my life, I tell him his is a hack and that he does not care for me and my family. But each morning when I wake up, I have a worship song playing in my head...His way of telling me He is with me....but I am still angry at Him.

Yesterday, I sank to a place I never ever say myself going into....the Welfare office. I never saw myself going and seeking this type of help. But what else am I to do? I had to shed the pride of being better, more educated than the people in that was tough.

There has to be an end to all of this....I have to hold onto that...have to hold onto HOPE....

If you are reading this....please pray for the 2.3 million children who's parents are in the same spot I am in....pray that our government does the right thing for 1.3 million out of work people...and lastly pray for me that an opportunity comes my way...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

My Mom's

I was blessed to have had two Mothers in my life, my birth Mother and the other heaven sent. Now they are both together drinking coffee and discussing me (well I would like to think that).

My birth Mother, Kathy passed away when I was seven year old. I didn't have her with me very long but she left me with many memories that have carried me thus far. I remember the way she smelled, the way her cherry pie tasted and her baked beans. She loved my brother and I so much and I know she wouldn't have left us. I wished she would have had time to teach me to sew, how to be a strong women and how to be a mom. I miss her everyday, I know she is with me and is guiding me the best way she can.
This is the last picture I have of my mom before she passed away, I look nothing like her but I know I have her sprit and personality.

When the ambulance was called for my mom, a sweet angel came to my house and sat with my brother and I while the paramedics worked on my mother...this is when my heaven sent mother came into my life.

Fay was a neighbor, her middle son and my brother were best friends. My mom and Fay would keep score together during little league. Fay has three sons, no daughter and that is where I come in. As soon as my mom passed away she was there for me, calling me in the morning to come down to her house so she could brush my long hair and put it up. I would go to her house afterschool and stay there until my dad came home from work. I was part of the family, I started to call her mom and her sons became my brothers. It was a weird sorta thing but I loved it.

Years passed, she helped me through the typical middle school/high school drama. Then I moved in with her when my dad decided to move out of state for work. I had just met the "love of my life" and I didn't want to leave him.

When I married the "love of my life" she was there when I picked out my wedding dress, gave me a bridal shower and she was the Mother of the Bride. I loved having her there with me, calming my nerves and loving me as her own.

She taught be how to cook, how to sew (sort of), how to mother boys, how to mother everyone around me and best of all she showed me the love of God.

The day after my 46th birthday, I received the call that she had passed away. My best friend said she waited until after my birthday. I would like to think that, but that is not her call it was Gods.

I can't express in words, actions or deeds how much she meant to me. She didn't have to take me as her own, she didn't have to love me and she didn't have to brush my long hair in the morning but she did and it changed the course of my life and for that I will always be grateful.

So, my Mom's are together...discussing me...the good, the bad and the really messed up! I just hope they are proud of me.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Confessions of a Fat Lady......What the heck is my problem

We all know that I have a weight issue, I have all the tools I need to lose the weight but I seem to now care about losing it.

I know that I need to lose it for health reasons, for personal reasons and I seem not to care...I am going to eat what I want when I want it. I am going to sit in the house and not take the dog for a walk, I am not going to the gym, because I don't want to.

I sound like a spoiled brat! I need to get to the heart of what and why I am not doing this.

Part of me thinks that if I keep the weight on then I am protecting myself from me to approach me. It keeps me safe from a man hurting me again. There has to be something more then that when it comes to weight loss.

I need to get the root of this...I need to be healthy, I need to love me....ahhhha! That is it...I need to love myself enough to lose do I do that?? Suggestions please!!!

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San Diego, CA, United States