Sunday, February 14, 2010


Through Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with some friends from days past. And I am so grateful for that! I am amazed!

It has made me think about how people stay connected through the years. I tell my boys all the time friendships are like gardens, you take care of them and tend to them they will grow but if you ignore them they start to die and go away.

I have been thinking about all of the friendships that I have had over the years, grade school friends, high school friends, work friends, did I ever let them go? Or did they let me go? This has been really in my thoughts a lot lately.

I thought I was a good friend. I remember birthdays, life events and am always willing to give everything to that friend. Then why do they leave? Why do they pull away? Did I offend them? Say something wrong?

How do people go from talking everyday, seeing each other weekly go to being non existence? I know we all get busy, we move on but when there is a bond there how does it break?

I think about my Maid of Honor when I got married, we talked everyday, saw each other weekly even when I moved to San Diego we talked all the time and saw each other every few weeks. And now.....nothing! I send Christmas cards, birthday cards, anniversary cards and....nothing. Why do I try so hard when nothing comes back?

I can play that same story over and over again, and I still come back to why do people pull away?

I can admit there were some friendships that I lost because I was to wrapped up with a boyfriend/husband and for that I regret everyday.

I have tended my garden of friends and my garden seems empty, I do have some pretty amazing friends but I wonder how long to my garden is really empty?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Help me God...again

When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I was not ready to be pregnant again. We were not financially ready for another one, my marriage was not ready for another one. And I think because of this, he some how knew and this is why he has always treated me poorly.

As many mom's we want to give our children everything under the sun. We want to make them happy, we want to see them smile....we want them to love us.

I don't know where I have gone wrong with him. He hates me, he pushes me away. All I can do is love him.

I go without so he and has brother can have. He hates that I have no money, he hates that he has friends that get everything they want.

Dear God....I come to you a broken mom. Help me to be better for my children. Help me take care of my paycheck, help me get out of this mess. I love my children as you love us, help me to love more. Help me God.

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San Diego, CA, United States