Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Kiddy Fit

I just want to throw on of those major kiddy fits we all use to throw when we were kids!!!

I don't want to look for another job that I will not get....I don't I don't I don't!!! I want to sit hear and fold my arms and stomp me feet so someone can send me to my room!!!

I am so tired of applying for jobs non stop!! To date I have applied to 225 positions in your name in area of work. I just want a job...something...anything...

The reason I want to stomp my feet is that I have to do 20+ hours of job searching weekly and log it just right and submit them to the welfare office by the 5th of each month and I hate to do them!! I hate going there, to be told by a 20 something year old that I need to redo them, that I need to come and sit in their computer lab to job search (when I am more than capable of doing that on my own in my own space) and that I need to be willing to take a minimum wage job.

AHHHHH!!!! Stomp....Stomp....Over it!!! Can I be sent to my room??

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


The past few days have been quite challenging to say the least! I have cried in public places, I have beat myself up mentally and have given up on the idea of Hope.

Then I went here....
 This is about a five minute drive from my house, and next to being near the ocean it is my favorite place (especially when it is green). During my walk there were caterpillars all over the place. I cheer them on and pray they have a chance to make it, a chance to become who God intended them to be.
Seeing them me I a caterpillar? I am changing? Am I going through a Metamorphosis? But into what? I want so much to be a changed women, someone who shows happiness, someone who shows the love and power of that what is happening? But isn't that happening to all of us? We are all changing and evolving into something then we were. I know I don't want to be the same person a year from now.  

I keep trying to wrap my brain around the idea of why I have been out of work so long. The idea of changing keep coming to mind. There is some kind of work being done inside of me. Something that is going to bring me out of this season changed, reformed, made into something else.

Poor Klondike had to be told over and over again not to step, eat, pee on or sniff the caterpillars. (This is the look he gave me after the all of the reminders).....We all need a chance to grow and thrive and people just need to allow us and encourage us just like I do with the caterpillars

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Why I believe in God

Tyler has been going on and on about the Bill Nye the Science Guy and a Professor of Creation, and that Bill Nye kept shooting down all of the creationist ideas. He asked why I believe in God. He and I have had many conversations about religion in the past few years and he has never bought into the idea of religion.

This is what I told him, I told him about how in the deepest, darkest days what pulled me out, got me out of bed and kept me moving was the belief that there was something more then this, something more after this life.

I shared with him the people who came into my life by chance. My Fay Mom, who was just a neighbor who came into my life to change the course of my life. My in laws, who loved me and still love me as their own when they could have turned their backs on me. Tony and Susan who sit next to me every Sunday in church, they pray for me and give me support. Tony sneaks a twenty into my purse every Sunday since my unemployment benefits stopped. His Aunt Lisa, who from the age of 8 until now has been the most important person in my life. She has stood with me through thick and thin has never left my side when most of my friends have vanished. A man named Derek who read an newspaper article that I was quoted in about unemployment benefits who offered to send me a gift card at any store of my choice to help my family.

These are just some of the people who came into my life by chance, I asked him if he thought it was by chance or by design/destiny? I gave him many other examples that have happened in my life where something happened to me that changes everything.

We talked about how things just happen and why. Especially when there is no logical reason for them to happen.

I believe there is something more to this life, something that comes and takes my burdens. I believe in Hope...Hope for more then this heartache I have each day.

Leap of Fatih...week one

I attend a pretty amazing church named Journey Community Church, I have been attending there about 5 years and I am proud to call that church home.

About once a year we do a church wide study, this year we are doing a Leap of Faith. 40 days through the Book of Mark.

Part of this study is to boldly stand before God and ask a risky prayer. Being I like to get more than asked I have decided on three bold prayers.

One, to get a position that will being me personal satisfaction and a decent salary. This is something I have been praying for at least 8 months. Being out of work this long as really taken a toll on me.

Two, for help to lost this much needed weight. I know that my weight does not define me as a women it does has a lot to do with my overall health and well being.

And third, for a life partner someone who loves me for me. Someone that can make be laugh on a daily bases, someone to help me feel safe. I have resisted dating for so long and I think it is time for me to have someone.

In church today, I was thinking of my three prayers and asking myself if I was asking for to much. But then it hit me....the three prayers at some level involve my happiness. Real happiness, to the core of my being happiness the kind of happiness that keeps a smile on your face.

For so many years I haven't smiled. I do smile but not from the deep parts of my soul smiles.

Boldly I pray for my happiness....not my families happiness, not my friends happiness, not the churches happiness but for MY HAPPINESS!!! Heck I deserve it! To be able to be a Christ follower and follow what Jesus was telling everyone I need that happiness. That happiness will bring joy to others when I am able to share that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

What have I lost out in?

I think because I was so scared when I was younger I missed out on so much! Don't get me wrong I had some great adventures when I was younger and a few battle scars from them but I have the achy feeling that I have lost some kind of chunk of my life.

Could it be the chunk of meeting my future husband at the age of 19 and was with him until we divorced (that was close to 20 years of being together). I lost a huge chunk of time with someone that really didn't love me, someone who didn't think of forever and someone who didn't think twice of taking that time away from me.

There is so much I could have done....traveled, went to more parties, met more people.

Don't get me wrong, we did have a great relationship until things in our life changed. I have two amazing sons from the marriage and an amazing extended family because of it....but I do regret not getting out sooner, and moving home when it didn't seem he wanted to marry me.

I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't meet the 'man of my dreams' at 19. Where would I be? What would I have? Would I be happy?

I don't like living life in the 'should of, could of' world....I guess I have the next 40 or so years to really reclaim that time....

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San Diego, CA, United States