Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Week 26 - WOW

This is me last Thanksgiving......

This is me this Thanksgiving...about 16 pounds lighter and I can see a difference in my face and my hips. I am so excited about this transformation that I am going through. Today I weighed in and to date I have lost a total 20.6 pounds. I would have liked to been a little more a head then I am right now but that is ok, this is a life style change not a race.

The great thing about losing this weight is I feel great, I feel like anything is dreams and wishes can come true. This is something that I have to keep telling myself....God has been telling this to me all along I just didn't want to hear it.

Half way to my goal, now just need to work on some of the dreams that I have!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Am I becoming my Father?

When I was seven years old, my Mother passed away. We were not expecting it and it came as a shock. My Mom was pretty amazing, she made dresses for me from a pattern she would make, she cooked amazing and baked pies. She made life fun, she loved my brother and I endless. My Father was not prepared for this, he never cooked or did anything around the house. Truthfully, he was cranky all the time! 

He tried and there was times he was a great Father, but what bothers me most about my Father is two things: he lives in a could of should of world where he blames others for his life circumstances and that he has no friends.

I don't think I live in a could have should have world, but I do blame others for my life. And I am really starting to wonder about the friends thing. 

I don't want to be a cranky old lady, I want to live in the moment and celebrate all that God has given me. I want to celebrate life's ups and downs with my friends and family. 

I am worried though about becoming him, I don't want my children to be distant, I want tons of friends that I support and they support me. 

God....please allow me to continue to fill my life with joy, allow me to feel the graces you have given me. Let me life in the moment and not in the past. Amen

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Week 20 - TrueFaced

Well yesterday would have been 20 weeks of my weight loss journey. I have to say despite laying in bed all day and not really doing anything....I am losing weight! I can feel it, my clothes are getting to big which feels great but when you have to get around on crutches all day it becomes hard to keep pulling my pants up!

During my bed time, I am trying to read many of the books I have not been able to get to. One in particular I have been waiting to get at and its call "TrueFaces" trust God and others with who you really are. Wow pretty powerful stuff. Here are a few things that I have underlined in the book, something I am working though myself!

-Our motives direct what we value and how we act
-We will only please God and become godly when we trust God
-If my motive is Trusting God, then my value will be Living Out of Who God Says I Am, and my action will be Standing with God, with My Sin in Front of Us, Working on It Together
-We value striving, because we trust our own assessment  of who we are instead of God's
-If we do not start  with trusting who God says we are , we will end up trusting our own resources to try to please God. This kind of self-sufficient mindset nauseates God
-Humility escorts us to grace...Humility requires trust
-Pride shuts grace down

And I am only a few chapters into the book. I am loving it! For years, I have had dreams and because those dreams did not come true I would put on a mask to hid the shame, the quilt and pretending that everything is ok. Not everything in my life has gone to plan, my dream man ended up to be a nightmare. My big and beautiful home has turned into a three bedroom home that needs to be painted and cleaned. My attempts to be a great mom have fallen short! But with God standing next to me and helping me see that many of my dreams have come true and showing me...yep you have sinned...what are we going to do to not to sin again?

I knew God had something for me when I fell down the hill!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Week 19 - view and other thoughts

So this has been my view the past 11 days! I am already tired of being in bed, tired of lugging that thing around with crutches. But God has a reason for this time in my life. The reasons that come to my mind right away is that I need to accept help from others (hate it), need to get the men (my dad and the boys) in my life to step up and see all that I do for them.  Both have not really happened, my dad is helping to a point and the boys have been great to a point. But I need to get them all to do things. I should be in bed but I have to get help with laundry and cook.....ugh

So this would have been my 19th week of my weight loss journey...while I have been watching what I am eating, I am not counting my points and I am not working out. I still feel like I am losing weight...strange I know. I kinda do get a work out when I have to lug this cast around.

I am looking forward to the next 30 or so days in bed, can't wait to see what lessons God has for me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

And it all came to a stop

Well my weight loss journey came to a crashing halt on Saturday. Or should I say a tumbling crash! I took a tumble at a Cross Country Meet and ended up breaking a bone in my ankle, not only a break but I shifted my whole ankle to one side! I am in a cast and have to use crutches, and do not have the ability to drive! UGH!!!

I have to keep my foot elevated and stay in bed so working out, taking the dog for a walk it out of the picture. On the bright side, using the crutches I have to do a little core work and my arms are getting a work out.

I am not going to let this stop me from eating healthy!

I have a stack of books to read that I have been wanting to get to. I have my bible to study and a computer to play around on. Things could be worse I guess.

The one big down side to all of the this is that my butt is killing me!!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

week 17 of my weight loss journey...

So this picture was taken last Thanksgiving and this is the picture that told me that I needed to do something about my weight! I cannot believe that I let myself get this way.

I have decided that I am going to blog about my weight loss...when this picture was taken I weighed 178 pounds and to date I have lost 14.2 pounds. Yes I am excited but I have a long way to my goal weight of 135.

Kinda bummed today, last week I lost 2 pounds and this week I gained .4 back. I can blame it on Rubios and Hodads! I can blame it on that I didn't go to Zumba this week. I can blame a lot of things but when it comes down to it I can only blame myself! I didn't watch what I ate last week, I didn't drink enough water and I didn't walk the dog everyday!

Goal for next week....lose .8 pounds...this will get me to 15 pounds. SO until next week...keep your fingers crossed for me...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Weight, feeling good, new puppy....waiting for the other shoe to drop

Lately I have been feeling pretty darn good! I am digging deeper into the Word, getting my head more wrapped around having God in my life. Started Weight Watchers and to date I have lost five pounds. We have a new puppy and he takes me on a walk every night...things are pretty good! Then why do I have this unsettling feeling that something is going to happen?

Could it be a pattern that I am use to? Things start going well and then something/someone comes along and throws a wrench into my life.

How does one go through and break the patterns that have held them back for so long? Forgiveness? Allowing oneself to be happy? Understanding the patterns and prevent them? Could it be that I am projecting that in my life that I am not surprised and not hurt when things go bad?

Not sure what it is, but I know that I have to continue to walk on this path I am that will bring me to a state of grace.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Dear Mr. Perfect....part two

Dear Mr. Perfect

So a friend told me my first list to you was a little to long so I will attempt to make it smaller then a list of 20.

1. Enjoy the outdoors, while I love being home I sure love the way the sun feels on my face.

2. Be willing to cook sometimes or even clean up once in a while

3. Know you will always have my heart, but you have to care for it like it is yours.

4. Treat me with respect and I will always respect you

5. Accept my boys, I am not looking for a dad for them. They need someone to be a role model for them.

6. Respect my faith, be willing to pray with me and for us.

7. Laugh at my dumb jokes.

Thanks...see you soon!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Women in my life

My beautiful mother passed away when I was seven years old and so started a string of amazing women to come in and out of my life to teach me and to guide me.

Fay is my second mother, she loved me as her own. She brought me to Christ, she showed me how to be a mom, she loved me unconditionally. When I got married, she came with me to find my dress and she sat where my mother would have sat. There are not enough words for me to describe her. I absolutely love her.

Ann was my mom's best friend, she showed me how to be a single mom and survive. She would take me shopping at Christmas with her girls and her girls were like my big sisters.

Bev is a family friend that knew me before I was conceived. She was always the supportive one, the one that would just listen and then try to help.

Julie was a friend of my dad, she was a bartender. I thought she was pretty cool. She showed me how to flirt with men (still not very good at it). She taught me never to give up, to always try your best and that my dreams were achievable.

My paternal grandmother, showed me how to cook and loved me no matter what. She always seemed sad when I was growing up, I always wondered why.

There was so much love around me from so many women (good and bad)…my mother will never be replaced nor forgotten. I believe she sent so many women into my life to guide me and to love me just as she would have.

Happy Mother’s Day Mommy!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Dear Mr. Perfect

Dear Mr. Perfect -

I wanted to let you know what I am looking for, what I know you will be.

1. Have a job, or doing something you at least love
2. You are tall, I am only 5'2 so that won't be to hard.
3. Accept the fact I am trying to get this extra weight off. Maybe you can help!
4. Do not keep secrets from me.
5. Be honest and up front
6. Have a love for God, pray with me and for us.
7. Be accepting of the fact I have a relationship with my ex. husbands family.
8. Accept my boys, I am not looking for a Dad for them. I need someone to be a man to them, to show them how to love a women.
9. Understand that I am moody at times and there are times I just want to be left alone.
10. Either cook or be willing to help clean up.
11. Have an amazing smile, one that will melt my heart.
12. Have a wicked sense of humor. Making me laugh is a way to my heart.
13. If something is not working in the relationship, don't stray. Fight for the relationship with me.
14. Be willing to send flowers to the office or surprise me at work.
15. Love me for me...understand me and stay true with me.
16. Be willing to have knock out drag out fights but hug me when its over.
17. Listen to what I have to say and don't dismiss me.
18. Say what you mean and live life by your actions. Actions speak loudly to me.
19. Respect me and I will do the same.
20. Treat me like a princess

Thank you Mr. Perfect....hope to see you soon!

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Through Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with some friends from days past. And I am so grateful for that! I am amazed!

It has made me think about how people stay connected through the years. I tell my boys all the time friendships are like gardens, you take care of them and tend to them they will grow but if you ignore them they start to die and go away.

I have been thinking about all of the friendships that I have had over the years, grade school friends, high school friends, work friends, did I ever let them go? Or did they let me go? This has been really in my thoughts a lot lately.

I thought I was a good friend. I remember birthdays, life events and am always willing to give everything to that friend. Then why do they leave? Why do they pull away? Did I offend them? Say something wrong?

How do people go from talking everyday, seeing each other weekly go to being non existence? I know we all get busy, we move on but when there is a bond there how does it break?

I think about my Maid of Honor when I got married, we talked everyday, saw each other weekly even when I moved to San Diego we talked all the time and saw each other every few weeks. And now.....nothing! I send Christmas cards, birthday cards, anniversary cards and....nothing. Why do I try so hard when nothing comes back?

I can play that same story over and over again, and I still come back to why do people pull away?

I can admit there were some friendships that I lost because I was to wrapped up with a boyfriend/husband and for that I regret everyday.

I have tended my garden of friends and my garden seems empty, I do have some pretty amazing friends but I wonder how long to my garden is really empty?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Help me God...again

When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I was not ready to be pregnant again. We were not financially ready for another one, my marriage was not ready for another one. And I think because of this, he some how knew and this is why he has always treated me poorly.

As many mom's we want to give our children everything under the sun. We want to make them happy, we want to see them smile....we want them to love us.

I don't know where I have gone wrong with him. He hates me, he pushes me away. All I can do is love him.

I go without so he and has brother can have. He hates that I have no money, he hates that he has friends that get everything they want.

Dear God....I come to you a broken mom. Help me to be better for my children. Help me take care of my paycheck, help me get out of this mess. I love my children as you love us, help me to love more. Help me God.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A beautiful weekend in San Diego

What a great weekend in San Diego! I know it is very cold back east and I have friends that are very cold right now. But I am so happy t be living in San Diego!

It was a great weekend! Friday was spent out with friends listening to our favorite band (Polyester Express...they are amazing!). Was able to spend time with a friend that I am happy to get to know more! Then Saturday was spent watching my youngest playing flag football with friends to celebrate his 13th birthday. I cannot believe he is 13! Today was a great church service and then some more time with my youngest. He is a pretty great kid! The last part of the great weekend was the picture above taken at Ocean Beach. My oldest loves taking pictures and I hope he continues to find the beauty in all things God has given us.

I am so blessed and sometimes I do not take the time to see all that God has given to me. I know through Him all things are possible!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

New Year!

Every year I always make resolutions, and I think I have yet to really make them work. So, I think this year is going to be the year I really do them. I need to lose about 42 pounds and I need to make and stick to a budget. I have to make them work!

The weight is something that has to come off, I am not healthy and I want to look good again. I think one some levels I have not wanted to take the weight off because I do not want men to come near me. I want someone in my life, I want someoen to share the day with. I am ready to have someone in my life.

I need to stick to a budget, I need to clean up my credit, I need to be able to take care of things on my own like a big girl. I need my dad to move out and I need to be able to stick to a buget do to so.

A really good friend always tells me at the new year....a new year and new you! So here is to a new me!

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San Diego, CA, United States