Monday, August 24, 2015

Let me be honest....I am a financial mess!

I am coming to more of a place of honesty lately, I have been a pretty open person about my feelings, my fears, my beliefs and my longings...but the one thing I will always hide is my financial mess.

Deep breath.....let it out...and here I go....

Currently, my bank account is negative $196. I have a garnishment for back state taxes of $170 every two weeks. I have student loans that I can't pay on. I have no credit. I have federal taxes that I can't pay and my car registration is past due. I can't keep money in the bank to save my life, I keep on this horrible cycle of having a negative bank account.

I have not lived a lavish lifestyle in many years, and especially in the past two years. I don't go out with friends, I stay home. I haven't had a pedicure in 6 months. I rarely buy myself something new because I can't afford it but I give my boys as much money as I can part with.

No one knows this secret that I have carried around for so long. I have never been good with money, in fact I am down right horrible with it.

I try and try to stay on a budget, but I end up over indulging the boys or myself at the expense of my bank account.

I am 47 years old...I should have my shit together but instead I am messing up over and over again.

I have had people suggest to go to Financial Peace class at church to help me figure all of this out, but the class is $50...$50 would mean less food, less gas....but then again I never seem to have the extra.

I would love to tithe to church, but then when it is time to I can't because the money isn't there.

Dear God...please please help me get out of this horrible cycle I am on....please bring me peace. Amen!!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Love always wins

Today was a great day for love! A few years ago, I would have been upset that the US Supreme Court voted to allow same sex marriage. I was dead set against it, I viewed it as evil, it was against what the bible says and those who entered into a same sex marriage was doomed for hell. But lucky for me, I have come to the realization that thought process was completely wrong.

I am a Christ Follower, I read my bible, participate in bible studies and attend church on a regular bases. Jesus was asked what is the greatest of the commandments and he said this in Matthew 22:37-39  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

So allow me to interpret this in my own words....I believe what Jesus is saying is that no matter who you are around (work, grocery store, on the soccer field...etc) that you are to treat them respect, dignity,with compassion and love. He didn't say love you neighbor unless they are gay or transgender or have a different belief system then you. He said to love!! Not hate!!

Regardless where you stand on this issue, you need to be able to make room for love. 

I love different things....I love hamburgers.....I love the beach.....I love Jesus....I love my children....does that mean that you are going to treat me different because you hate hamburgers?

I haven't been in deep, can't live without you love in a long time but I still believe in the idea of it. And I don't want anyone to take that from me because they are against it.  I believe in that deep, can't live without you love for anyone who has the capability of love regardless of who they are attracted to.

Love always wins....regardless! Could you imagine what the world would be like without love? I don't want to every be in that world.


Friday, June 5, 2015


First off let me say, this blog is difficult to write. In fact, I am embarrassed as a Mom to write it. But I believe that if anyone reads my blog will see this and know my feelings.

So, it is June. June is a month for weddings, the end of the school year and graduations. I am not getting married and the school year ends next week and I will not be watching my youngest graduate from High School. This was his graduation year, his Senior year. The year where parents get to let out a sigh of relief that their child has reached another milestone in life. But my son decided to drop out of high school with less than 5 months left. My son decided he was an adult and he can make decisions for himself.

Let me back up a little, in the middle of his junior year we decided that he would leave traditional high school and move to a charter school. This would allow him to work at his own pace and catch up on the classes he was failing. If he worked hard he would have graduated early. Well that plan back fired on me.

He is a super smart kid, GATE student, loves politics, loves a good argument and loves how things work. He is just lazy! From the time he was in the second grade, getting up in the morning was a fight and getting homework done was World War 3. I tried everything under the sun to get that kid to do his homework...he just wouldn't do it. And then high school was a real treat for me, just to get him up and out the door on time was a real struggle.

He has no plan right now, he does not realize that his opportunity for a career gets smaller and smaller each day he goes without getting his GED and some kind of schooling.

I have always told my boys that I expect them to go to college, but college is not for everyone. I just wanted them to gain skills that will help them get a job and have a great life. I want them always to do the best that they can.

Every time I see a picture of a high school graduation, I cry...I cry because this is one milestone my son will never have. Not sure if he understands how much harder life will be without a high school diploma or a GED.

I feel like a failure as a mom and  I feel like I have let him down in someway.

Sad that I will not get to hear his name called in front of hundreds of people. Sad that I won't get to see my handsome son in a cap and gown. Sad that his life will be hard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


I have been on a cookie baking mission the past six months or so, I love baking and I love giving them to people.

The college kid has been asking for them so I decided this past weekend to whip up some of my favorites.......Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Chip.

Let's start with Snickerdoodles, I found this recipe on my favorite website...Pintrest ( Tyler asked me to make cookies for work during the holidays and I ended up making a large batch to give to family for Christmas.

Here is what you will need
1/2 cup butter (1 stick) softened (and for the love of baking use REAL butter!!)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

For rolling
  • 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
Here is whatcha need to do:
In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugars with an electric mixer on high speed. Add the egg and vanilla and beat until smooth. In another bowl, combine the flour, salt, baking soda, and cream of tartar. Pour the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix well. Preheat oven to 350 degrees while you let the dough rest for 30 to 60 minutes in the refrigerator.In a small bowl, combine the sugar with the cinnamon for the topping.Take about 2 1/2 tablespoons of the dough and roll it into a ball. Roll this dough in the cinnamon/sugar mixture and place on a ungreased cookie sheet (I use parchment paper on my cookie sheets). Repeat for the remaining cookies. Bake the cookies for 12 to 14 minutes and no more. The cookies may seem undercooked, but will continue to develop after they are removed from the oven. When the cookies have cooled they should be soft and chewy in the middle.
I have a secret weapon that I use on this cookies....Trader Joe's Grinder with sugar and cinnamon. When the cookies have baked for about 6 minutes I grind some more sugar and cinnamon on them and the let the bake another 6 minutes.
Once they are done. I let them cool on  paper fancy cooling racks here :)....and once they are cooled...YUMMY!!!
Next up....Chocolate chip....I found this one on Pintrest ( ) as well and was a little unsure of this recipe  because there wasn't a lot of ingredients. But have to say these are the best chocolate chip cookies...just trust me on this one!!!
Here is what you will need....

1 stick softened butter salted or unsalted, at room temperature
3/4 cup light or dark brown sugar
1 large egg, at room temperature
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp salt, or large pinch
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 cup plus ¼ cup flour being careful not to pack down when measuring
1 cup chocolate chips
Here is what you gotta do...
Preheat oven to 350. In a large bowl cream the butter and brown sugar together. Add egg and vanilla to the butter and brown sugar mix and mix together. Then add flour baking soda baking powder and salt. Once everything is mixed together add chocolate chips. The place a scoop of the dough onto a cookie sheet and bake for 8-12 minutes. Remove for cookie sheet to cool.
That's it...two super easy cookie recipes....Enjoy!!! 


Tuesday, April 21, 2015 search of a good man

So I have been thinking lately…..I need to date or something of the sort (think more of getting out of my bubble).

 I know I have been saying that for years and I have tried the on line thing but that was a crappy experience.

 I have been hoping for one of those chance meetings you see on TV. You know the ones….some handsome man happens to sit next to you at Starbucks or asks you what you think of a particular product at the grocery story…you know what I am talking about.

Then I hope that friend fixes me up with someone she knows or my kids meet a great guy and thinks he would be perfect for me.

Well none of those things have happened for me….and that is ok, I am good with it. Like I say…yea for me if it happens and yea for me if it doesn’t.  But I have not given up on the idea of one great man coming into my life.

I didn’t date that much in high school, really didn’t get asked out much or asked to dances, met my prom date on a street corner in Westwood, been cheated on so many times that I have stopped counting, had my heart broken, stomped on and even laughed at. I have had my soul dumped on. My self worth kicked to the curb. My dignity shredded to pieces. But I still hold onto hope that one good man will come.

I look at some of my friends that have divorced since mine and they are either remarried or in a committed relationship and the jealousy flairs up. But then I have to talk myself off of the ledge and remind myself that everyone has their own path in life and this is my path at the moment. And I go back to hope of one good man.

And my thoughts turn to….Maybe he is thinking right now….I just want one good women….one that likes the outdoors, one that does not mind watching sports with me, one that has a middle school boy sense of humor. And maybe just maybe she is looking for me.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

A letter to my ex husband

Dear Ex Husband....

Not sure if you realize it but ten years ago our marriage ended. My hopes and dreams for a whole and perfect family died that day.

A lot has happened between us during those ten years, some of which I would like to apologize for.

Let me say this first, I can forgive you of the hurt you caused me but I am not sure I can forgive you of the pain (seen and unseen) you caused the boys. You have said many times they are ok but deep down they are not.

There is a saying, "hurt people hurt other people" and that is what I set out to do. I wanted you to hurt they way I did. I wanted you to know how it felt to have your hopes, dreams and love destroyed. I wanted you to pay the ultimate price on leaving me and our boys.

I am sorry for saying that I got to keep the family in our divorce, they are your family and if they welcome you back then I will step away gracefully. I love them more then you will ever understand, they played a huge role in keeping me together and loving on the boys when you were not able.

Your dad took me in and made sure the boys and I were always ok. He always wanted what was best for them. And I fight everyday to keep his spirit alive in them and I try to keep my promise I made to them that they would be men just like him.

When I met you at 19 years old, you were so driven. You knew what you wanted and when you wanted it. I think in some ways I killed some of your dreams. And for that I am sorry.

I regret pushing you into getting married. But we had been together so long that it was time to either get married or go our separate ways. Also know I am sorry for pushing you. But our marriage did give me/us two wonderful gifts from heaven.

We did have some great years, lots of laughs, adventures and there was some love.

Please know I want nothing but happiness for you.

Your ex wife

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San Diego, CA, United States