Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Did I do this?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was not too excited about it. I had just had my first and was learning to be a mom, a wife and trying to balance work.

I was sick for three months straight before I found out, I mean super sick. Inner ear infection, major case of strep throat and a viral infection. I was on so much medication, it is a miracle he did make it.

Once I found out I was pregnant and was no longer sick, I wished I would miscarry. I couldn't handle the idea of another baby. My marriage was starting to shake a little and I worried what it would do to us.

As my pregnancy progressed, they couldn't find the base of his spinal cord during an ultrasound visit. Part of me was ok...well you didn't want to be pregnant and the another part of me was...please God let them find it next time we go in. The did find it and that is when I wanted him more than anything.

He was an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery. At birth he slept through  the night at birth. Once he started walking and talking then things changed! He was always on the go, into things he should have been, making messes and just keeping us on our toes.

He was a handful at preschool, and the teachers were always complaining about him not taking naps. I being the protective one and one in the child development field had to put them in their place. And ever since then I have always stood up for him, making excuses for him not following directions, not doing his homework, not going to school, etc....

Now at 17 he wants to be on his own, take the GED and be done with school. He is nasty to me, he is spoiled and does not lift a finger to help anyone especially me.

Since the divorce he has been angry at me. Talking down to me, telling me I am ugly and stupid.

Did do this to him? I raised him the best I could alone...did I not punish him enough? Did I give into his whims to much?

He is so smart and talented. I see that in him, he can do whatever he puts his mind to. At 17 he sees no future for himself, he just sees what is wrong with the world. At 17 he is not concerned with making a difference in the world or helping others he only sees away to make as much money as he can.

Did I do this to him? Losing my job and being out of work for over a year has shown him that a college degree isn't worth anything.

Why do I feel like I have let him down? Does he know that I didn't want him in the beginning and that is why he is mad at me all the time?

I want the best for my sons, I promised their Grandfather that I would do everything in my power to raise them to be good men.

Where did I go wrong? Did I do this?

About Me

My photo
San Diego, CA, United States