Sunday, December 2, 2012

When the head, heart, gut and prayers don't agree

I have always said when making a tough decision that you need to listen to your gut....but my gut is usually wrong. So then I hear people say follow your heart, well when I follow my heart I get hurt, stepped on and become a human speed bump. So now I try to filter everything that is going in my head...nothing is making sense to me!

My mind says one thing the heart says another then the gut has something else to say......then in the middle of threes three fighting, I try to pray and wait and wait for an answer (I sometimes think God ignores me).

I need to make some decisions soon, and I can't  decide what to do.....can't my gut, heart, head and prayers give me some kind of answer?

Need to figure of the next steps in this life and I just need some guidance, wisdom, love and faith....come on your four help me out.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Replacing the negative with the truth

Replacing the negative with truth, it's like rewinding your life tape and recording over it.
Things I do know....I am loved by God despite of myself. He does not judge me for my mistakes. He holds my hand and says to me 'yep it's pretty bad but you know what, I love you and I am here to help you through it'. I know that I am worthy of the love of a man and not all of them will hurt. I know that I am a great mom. I know that I am better then the negative thoughts I have of myself. I know that I am good at anything I put my mind to......

I know that I am loved

Sunday, September 2, 2012

What is going on with me?

My body/mind is doing strange things, I don't know where I belong anymore (at work, at home, and anywhere else I might be).

I hate it, I love being around people, I love being with my kids and I love being with my family but lately....I rather just hide in my room. I don't know why...maybe its safer in one will make me feel bad in here, no one will make me feel stupid, no one will leave me out.

My body is slowly changing, I am tired all the time, my body hurts and aches. I have hot flashes that last all day.... me!! I hate this place I am in.....

Sunday, August 12, 2012


Been having some why's running around in my head and I need to let them out before they give me yet another headache or I let them run wild and I have more why be free why thoughts...

Why is my hair curly? My mom and dad both had curly hair and my brother has it but why me too? I hate my hair

Why does it seem like every man I have and a relationship with cheated on me. High school boyfriend did, boyfriend out of high school did, the ex. husband did, first relationship post divorce wonder I have a shield I have something on my forehead that says hey cheat on me I can take it.

Why do I still see myself weighing a 100 pounds? I still think I can eat like I weigh a 100 pounds.

Why do I feel like my destiny in life will be like my father, alone, depresses and no friends. I pray about this a lot. It's a scary thought to be like that.

Why can I not to be able to save money? I don't have a nest egg don't have the credit I would like. I am 44 years old and I should have this part of my life figured out.

Why do my friends not fix me up with anyone? Am I that picky? Or do the not want to because I am not good enough for the single guys they know.

Why do I hate cleaning my house? It's clean but it could be cleaner.

Why do some friendships stick and the others don't? I have some great friends but I miss the ones that I have lost.

Why is it that I think of others first and they don't think of me?

Why do others hear the voice of God and I don't?

It feels good to get these out, maybe this way I can work on them....well I can't change the curly hair.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

For Laurie

Ok my dear sister Laurie.....this for you!

Things that I have done right today:

Loved my boys unconditionally
Worked as hard as I could to the best of my abilities
Make a yummy healthy dinner for my family
Wore clothes that matched :)

Ok....there will be more added to this as the days go on

List for today....
Spent time with the oldest
Finished one project at work
Set up my voicemail on my new phone
Went to bible study
Laughed for the first time in days

Adventures in on line dating part 6.....and final

So the match subscription has been I sad...nah....disappointed hell yes! Sorry men that didn't are missing out on a pretty amazing women! I am leaving this need for someone in God's hands, I have to trust that He knows what he is doing with me.

So ends my non adventures in on line dating! one person that I have been talking with from the on line site and I are still talking but yet to meet....

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Adventures in on line dating part 5

So I have been doing this on line dating for two months now and I am throwing in the towel. I have done what everyone has told me to do, read all the advice and the only thing to come out of this was my self esteem was killed and I am out a $100. I think that there is something wrong with me, that my standards are too high, that I am not attractive enough.

I know that is not the truth, I am who someone is looking for. I am attractive enough for them.

I don't like the idea of chasing after a man, call me old fashion but I truly believe that if a man is interested nothing is going to stop them in getting to know you. Think that is the main reason I don't like on line dating, I don't like the idea of having to 'sell' myself.

Think in the end I need to love myself more then subjecting myself to the rejection of others.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Adventures in online dating part 4

So starts another week of this on line dating.....I have met a great guy on line but there just seems to be something (might just be me reading into things). We have a lot common and seems to have to have hit it off but we have yet to meet (that could be left over crud from Knuckle Head).

I do have to say that I have a mad crush on someone else, but I don't think the man knows I am I just lust at a distance.

I don't want to do this on line dating any more....still think there is other ways I can spend the money.

So starts another week of looking, searching for Mr. Perfect (well perfect for me)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Adventrures with On Line Dating....part 3.5

Oh and here are the other issues I have with on line dating.....

1. Men my age want young 20somethings
2. Men my age seem to lie about their true age and put up pictures of them from 20 years ago
3. Men from overseas post that they live in my area, say they are widowed and that they are already in love with me based on my pictures

I can go on and on....over it!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Adventures in On Line Dating Part 3

Well, here I am again feeling very discouraged in this whole on line dating thing. I really think this is not God's way he want me meet the one He has for me. So, I will let the month come to an end and not renew my profile.

I don't know maybe I thought it would be different, that men would actually reply to messages that if they were very interested they would let me know.

Ugh....there is so many different ways I could spend $40 a month!!

So God....what/who do you have planned for me? I really hope you have him show up soon! I have been missing having that companionship.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Adventures in On Line Dating Part 2

So continues my On Line Dating experience, so let's see where am I in this little adventure?? the same place I was last week. This week did bring the promise of someone, but as the week went on that fizzled out.

I have emailed, winked at men that I don't necessarily find physically attractive but we have somethings in common and I have not heard back from any of them.

Then there is Zoosk (an app on Facebook), so I joined that and the first guy out the gate asked if I was only interested in a physical relationship. Told him that is a key to component to a relationship and he agreed then the next message was asking when we were going to meet up to have sex. Is this the kind of men that is out there? If so, I am staying home where it is safe.

I hope and pray for the next man to come into my life, if it is God's will then he will come if not it's ok. I am happy being alone. I truly am....yes it would be nice to share life's ups and downs with. But I don't like the rejection part of all of this.

It is safer at home.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Adventures in On Line Dating

Well, I have dipped my toe into the world of on line dating. Let me say this...on line dating sucks!!

I joined a free dating web site, didn't meet anyone. Those that were interested in me were not men I would date. I have standards, I have heard that you have to play the odds and say yes to men that you might not be physically attracted to but you might be attracted to on a different level. There was only one guy that I would have considered going on a date with and he seemed ok with just emailing back and forth but nothing more.

Now I am on a paying site, this one is just as bad. I have been emailing someone and he seemed interested then he asked to go to coffee and then backed out. Then I was IM'ing someone then he ended up being a fraud (he said he lived locally but really he was in another country). There are men that I find attractive and then I read more of their profile and they want a 30 something. I am coming to the conclusion most men my age want younger women.

Ugh....rejection on line hurts just as much as if it was in person.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I hate carrying around this feeling like no one likes dog hates me, my youngest son hates me...just feel like everyone out there hates me and they don't want to be around me.

I feel like all of my friends/family get together but they tell each other don't invite Kristen.

Been crying over this for everyone else...I just want to be loved and accepted...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

It's Mother's what!

Each Mother's Day I hope that my boys somehow plan something for me, or that their dad gives them money to get me something. Mother's Day comes, and.....nothing! No card, no breakfast in bed, no flowers or just a simple Happy Mother's Day.

Wait....I did get one gift my oldest came to Church with me. He knows that it is important to me.

It kills me that the can't do anything for me. What I have I done wrong with them? 

Hmmm...let me rethink this blog....everyday is Mother's Day...ugh that doesn't work either.

I am jealous of my friends that have a wonderful Mother's Day, with flowers, gifts, breakfast in bed, a nice meal out.

I just want my boys to appreciated me and everything that I do for them.

ugh...can we just skip this day all together....and Valentines Day too!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


When the boys grandfather was in the hospital and near death, I went into his room before they removed his breathing tube to say my good byes.

I grabbed a stool so I could get closer to him, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for allowing me to be part of his amazing family. Then I made a few promises.

With tears in my eyes, I promised him that I would do everything in my power to raise the boys to be just like him. I promised that I would make sure that they are caring adults, hardworking man, that they would take responsibility for their actions, that they would love their families and that everything they do would be in his honor.

I struggle with the promise at times. And I can't go back on my word.

Raising the boys is hard work. I might not have the ability to teach them 'manly' things but I can teach them how to be a dad, how to be a good husband and how to care for others.

Well, am I doing? I am trying, working hard at it...all for your honor! I love you and still miss you daily!

Now I always say...what would Papa Tony say? Please think about that when going through life!

Saturday, March 10, 2012


I have been pondering the thought of what happens when you are such good friends with someone and then one day it's like you are strangers? Or more like acquaintance's? I HATE this feeling. I consider my friends as my family, ones I can turn to, ones that will never let me down. I know that people drift apart, I know people go their own ways but I was always thinking that ones that are family will never go away.

I miss seeing my 'family', I miss laughing with them but I know things change or all good things come to an end.

About Me

My photo
San Diego, CA, United States