Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Getaway

When I need to getaway, I just drive 10 minutes to Mission Trails and take a hike. During the spring after the rains, it is the most beautiful place in the world to me. It's hard to believe that just north of those hills there are people living.

There are water falls that we hike to, when we get there the boys go and explore and I just sit on a rock, watching them and thanking God for them.

The great thing about the trails is the escape of them, I can be in the middle of nature 10 minutes from my house. A few times I have hiked we have seen coyotes, ducks, rabbits, bugs...I love it.

During the spring we drink cool water right from the stream, it is so amazing to drink. I have brought bottles with me to take back. It is so pure and yummy.

I love my place of escape...gives me peace...time to think....a time to escape if only for a few hours.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Gone...good bye...melt away

Last night a friend of mine had a gold party, for those of you that do not know what that is. It's a party where you take your old gold jewelry and a guy looks at it then weighs it and then pays you cash for your old stuff.

I took with me a few old charms from necklaces, a ring that I had broke and never got fixed,my high school class ring (why did I make my dad buy that for me) broken necklaces and my engagement ring and wedding ring. The diamond in the ring was one carat but it had several flaws...wait....flawed like my marriage! Oh my it was like the diamond was trying to tell me something when he gave it to me!

So....my wedding ring and engagement rings are gone, they will be melted down and made into gold bars.

I keep thinking I should have saved them for the boys to do with them whatever they wanted but they are tanted, they hold no good memories. I have for them their Grandmother and Great Grandmothers rings they can have them...they were from good marriages.

A friend said to me last night that I needed to get rid of them and clense myself of him and that I need to continue to move forward in this new journey I am on.

The rings are gone the memories of the pain is still there...those memories keep me grounded to what I do not want in my life...

Melt away rings....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Will the REAL Kristen please stand up....part 2

I believe that all men that come into my life will hurt me in one way or another.
I have a hard time believing what people tell me, always wondering how much they are lying to me.
I often go over board to help, partly because I want the acceptance
I can train a room full of people but get me to speak in front of a large audience and I freeze
I get tongue tied when I get scared
I want to be a lawyer but getting a little to old to become one
I withhold information about my ex husband to his mom because I hate seeing her sad
I often feel uneasy about some of the life choices I have made
I would give everything I have to someone to make them happy
I hate being made fun of or being the butt of someones joke. This makes me cry when no one is around
I have never learned how to change a tire or the oil in my car
I hate people who's life's seem so perfect and they see to have everything going there way
I wear glasses and should be wearing them all the time but I hate wearing them so I will just fake that I can see
I have a slight hearing lose in my right ear due to an illness that was not take care of when I was young
I pierced two holes in my left ear....that hurt! I don't wear anything in them now
Those who know me know that I love to dance and wanted to be a dancer so bad
We were really poor when I was growing up and we always had everything we needed but sometimes I didn't get the cool stuff and I was really jealous
I want the picture perfect life and I don't know what that looks like
I always wanted a step mother, just a women to give me her full attention and show me what being a women is all about
My finest moment this year was taking my boys on a 5 day cruise, they have never been on vacation and I cried the whole trip because I was so happy for us

I have soooo many things in my life that I am blessed to have but yet I have so many things that hold me back from really appreciating them.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Will the REAL Kristen please stand up

Been thinking about the message from Church on Sunday and somethings have really stayed with me. But at the moment the most profound thing is something he said about the masks we wear because we are afraid of people seeing the real us!

Now I don't know if anyone really reads my blog...but hey thanks if you are! So here is the real Kristen with no mask on!

I hate wearing make up
I would rather wear flip flops then high heels
I use humor to protect myself
I am afraid of letting people in, in fear of rejection
I cry everytime my boys do something new or when I know it will be the last time they do something. In fact I cry a lot!
Everyday I am scared that I am going to wake up and my car has been repo'd (I pay every month, just left over stuff from the ex.)
I hate cleaning...and my bedroom is always a mess
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, you know what kind of mood I am in all the time
Daily I am scared that I am going to be fired from work....again
I would rather stay in bed all day and sleep then face my reality
I really dislike my cat
I am sometimes emotional mess and I cannot control the sadness
I cannot seem to make it financially so my 70 year old father lives with me to help
I talk to myself daily and it freaks me out
I think people talk about me in the negative daily
I am truly scared of being alone when I am older
I suck at saving money
I wear earplugs, a mouth guard and sleeping mask to bed (hot I know)
I am worried that I will never again be worthy of a man's love
I am worried that I will never again be able to love
I am worried that my children will reject me as soon as they are old enough to realize I have screwed up so many times
I do not like to be left behind or out of the loop, and I find myself thinking they do that on purpose
I love the beach and I love where my mother is buried...these are my happy spots
I hope that I have not passed on any of my flaws onto my children
I hate that my sister in law punishes me for what her brother does to the family and his children
I hate that my sister in laws do not allow their nephews to be close to them
I wonder if my looks/weight keep men away from talking to me
I am scared that I will never fully have the love of God in my life
Scared that I will never feel my mothers arms around me, holding me and telling me that she missed me and is proud of me
I have a shield around me so people won't get close because I think all people will hurt me
I am scared that my children will want to be with their dad instead of me
I really hate nuts and eggs oh and fish
I hate the curls in my hair, I hate my nose
Once again I am really bad with money but trying really hard to repair my credit
I often borrow things that don't belong to me but always put it back
I had an abortion when I was married...yes he knew
I didn't want to be pregnant the second time and prayed for a miscarriage and I think my son somehow knows this and its why he is a challenge to me
I miss my brother and I wish he would not be mad at me. I wish he was still my best friend.
I am scared of who the real Kristen is....in fact I am not even sure I know who she is

Well this is me....Kristen. The mask is part way off not sure when I will be ready to really remove it

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Everyday you open the paper or turn on the computer there is another athlete, movie star or politician admitting to having an affair and then the mistress or mistresses come forward and tell the tales of the wild sex life or the details of the affair.

When did it become ok to be the other women? When did it become socially acceptable to have an affair? It just seems to be ok and that everyone has one. I really believe in when a priest, minister or when anyone pronounces you man and wife then that is it. You and that person belong to one another.

My ex husband as you know committed adultery and if he chose not to stray from this marriage we would still be married. We were not the happiest as a couple but I know we could have made it work. He cheated because he was unhappy, searching for more, wanting more and there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it. I could have been the perfect wife and he would have still cheated.

It makes me ill to see the other women on tv, selling their stories. They should be ashamed that they are making money off of someones pain. Do those women think of the wife or the other mate when the sell their story? They like the men who cheat do not think of anyone but themselves.

Karma is a bitch and it will catch up with them...

Monday, November 23, 2009

wow...a year ago

A year has past since my Father in Law (or ex. Father in Law) passed away. I remember every detail of that week, where I was when I found out he was going into the hospital for a procedure, the night I got the call that he had a stroke, the hours spent in the waiting room with the family, Jonathan's face when he saw his grandfather with tubes all over the place, when I promised to raise the boys to be like him, when Tyler saw his grandfather by accident and cried. We sat for hours as a family reading, playing games, watching tv but we were there as a family.

When the divorce was final, my role in my ex. husbands family changed. I was no longer the daughter in law I became the mother of the grandsons. Well that was in my mind, that family is still my family. When the doctor came to discuss my Father in Law is pushed my chair out of the circle because I was not part of the family and remember as I was pushing it away my Mother in Law grabbed it and pulled me back in and told me that I needed to be apart of the discussion and decisions that needed to me made for my Father in Law's care. We decided as a family when the breathing tube was to come out, and I remember how strong my Mother in Law was but she looked so little as she was being strong for all of us.

The five days my Father in Law was in ICU, I went every day except for one and that was the day he went home to God. I promised him I would be there and I broke one last promise to him and I regret not going, the boys didn't want to stop they were tired of the hospital.

I miss this man everyday, I pray that I am doing what I promised him. He loved his grandsons and he loved me as his own.

Tony....I love you and miss you! I hope you are smiling down on your grandsons and that you are proud of the men they are becoming. I miss you on the soccer fields, I miss you on the baseball fields, I miss you in your chair and I miss your presence in my life. I know you and my mom are great friends, hope you told her that I am a great mom! I will never stop missing you! And I know the family will never stop missing you!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Good Bye....Knuckle Head

I have had someone in and out of my life for a few years, and I refer to him as Knuckle Head because he seems so interested in me but can't figure out what he wants. Well....that is what I thought.

He and I would meet to have drinks every few months and he would tell me how cute I was and that he cannot believe that I have not been swept off of my feet by someone. He would tell me things like: my mom would love you, I need to be dating you, let's take a trip together...on and on...and I would be so taken back by some of the things he would say.

But in the back of my mind I could not figure out why he would not take the relationship a step further. My gut kept telling me there was someone else and I would ask him that and he would reassure me that there is no one in his life. He knew how much I was hurt by the ex. husbands cheating ways, he knew how much of a guard I have put up because of it and he knew the journey I took to get over the pain of a cheating husband.

So, my curious mind kicked in last night...I dug around Facebook and was able to find some pictures of him...with friends...on vacation....and with his girlfriend!

I sat on the information for a little bit then I sent him a text (me in " and his response in ')...."Do me a big favor?"...'sure'...."delete my number"....'why?'...'something wrong'......"I was ready to give you my heart but for some reason you didn't want it, and because of that it would be best if you did.....there was always something\someone in the way of you taking this any further".........nothing after that.

The tears came and they came because for the last few years I hung onto the idea of a relationship with him, the tears came because I had been so dumb that I didn't pick up on it sooner, the tears came because those who love me knew something was not right with him. I told myself that I would never cry over a man again...well I did!

I have to look at this situation as this.....I am ready to date....I am ready to be loved again...I can do this...I am stronger....I know what I want in a man....I know that God has a plan for me and He will not let me down.

So Knuckle Head...you are missing out on an amazing women who would have loved you and cared for you more then you will ever experience....now there will be someone else who can have my heart because its not for you anymore!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Today is here....tomorrow is gone

Today is just a moment of time, yesterday is gone there is nothing I can do to get it back. I cannot get the last minute back. So I can think ahead to later today, but I cannot get disappointed if what lies ahead does not go my way.
Time does not stop and if I could have stopped it, what would I have stopped to change? I wouldn't change anything, that is my life history. I would slow down how fast the boys are growing up, can't take it. My babies are not mine any more...they belong to themselves and one day they will leave me and marry...oh gesh...I will never be ready for that.
So this time has past...can't get it back...think to the future and be ready for every bump along the way.

Monday, October 19, 2009

ok...I am not ok being alone

I have spent the last few months telling myself, telling everyone around me that I am ok being alone....well the truth is I AM NOT OK BEING ALONE! I am over it, tired of it, tired wishing for it, tired, tired of it.

Now how do I fix this? I have no idea where to start, where to look. Not sure about the whole online dating, been there done it...met nothing but weirdos, guys that wanted to know what size bra I wear....ugh! Where is the nice ones? Where are the ones that are not all about my bra size? It's like finding a needle in a haystack. I don't know how to do this.

I just might have to face the fact I will be alone and that there is no prince charming coming for me....ugh!!! can't take it anymore

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Mom of Boys

Growing up I was the only girl around, I had an older brother that had to take me everywhere. I have always been around men (could be the reason I like sports and that farts don't bug me). So when I had both of the boys I knew that I could handle it being a mom of boys because I was always around them. Was I wrong!

No one told me that boys have mood swings and are hormonal! Gesh I thought only girls did that! I have one right smack in the middle of puberty and one right on the verge of starting! It is crazy around here, I never know if I said something wrong or if I did something that I would normally do that now embarrasses them. They are moody! Oh my gosh, that is the worst!

I can handle the girl stuff, I went though it but this boys stuff is rough!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Cute Outfit

I can say, I don't dress that bad. I can make the best of out what is in my closets transforming each piece into a different look. My ex. mother in law always said to me "you have a way with separates". I love clothes....and shoes and everything else that goes into an outfit.

I have people come up to me and say 'cute outfit', gesh...I am so much more then a cute outfit.

How do I get people to look beyond the outfit, beyond the outside of me? I have so much more to offer once you can get past the outside.

A very very dear friend and I have this discussion the other night during 'wine therapy'. She said I have a shield up that prevents people from getting closer, that I don't smile enough (I don't smile because I hate my smile and my teeth) and I always look pissed off (thank you dad for passing that look down). I don't think I have a shield up, if I do it's because I don't want to get hurt again, tired of fixing the broken heart. And the broken heart is not from men hurting it but it's from women as well (friends that decide that other friendships are better or just disappearing).

Back to the outfits, I have this tendency to make sure everything is perfect before I head out the door. Maybe that is part of my problem is that I want everything to be perfect like my outfits. I want things to go together like shoes and a purse, want them to be comfortable like my running shoes and want them to match me. But on the other hand I almost described what I would like to have in a mate....comfortable...matching....go together (meaning..we looking like we belong together).

I feel like a book that has a great cover but the story is boring..woo...that would be a great topic for another blog...

My outfits are me...classic...put together (that I am not sometimes)...cute....hey I can think that I am...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I felt in the mood to write a blog tonight but nothing is coming to me, no topic, nothing happened exciting today...hmmm just feeling the need for my fingers to type.

How does this happen? The need to do something or be somewhere? It's Gods hand pushing is along. I always hear people say that God spoke to them, I wait to hear him but I never do. Instead it's his gentle push I feel every once in while. A push to take a turn down a different street, a push to say something, a push to call someone. I have had the push to call my brother but scared to call him....fear of his rejection.

Think God's hand is pushing me...pushing me where? for who? when? Only He knows

Monday, September 14, 2009

Black Notebook

I bought a little black notebook to journal during my trip, while I did journal the notebook now has turned into my idea place. Ideas I have for a book. I am not a writer, if you are reading my blog you would know I am far from a writer. But I have been thinking for sometime that I need to write a book about what has happened in my life and how I got through the mental abuse. Or how to laugh your way through affairs, separation, divorce and still be a women of grace.

I have been told it would be good therapy to write...but where to start...once upon a time there was a curly haired girl whose Mom passed away when she was young and that life event affected the rest of her life...where of where to start....there has to be a start in the black notebook

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Thoughts from Vacation

The boys and I just came back from our vacation. We took a cruise to Cabo San Lucas. I needed this so bad! I needed to be away from work, soccer, home, friends and my cell phone.

Came to some conclusions while on the ship. One, I do need to lose some weight. Looking at pictures and seeing myself in the mirror, killed me. I need to lose this weight, not only for my self esteem but for my health. The other thing is I am not ok with being alone anymore. I have been telling myself that I am ok but after seeing some many people paired up made me realize that I need someone, I also had a really great picture of me taken and I was sad that I had no one to give it to.

No where to start? First is to work on the weight and then the man hunt. I need to start pushing my comfort zone, to stretch my mind, I need to pray more and step out of that zone.

I need to be happy, I need to reach down deep and find me, find my own happiness.

Time to dig in the heels, time to stretch the zone...time to get healthy.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Voice of Truth

Casting Crowns has a song titled "The Voice of Truth", the song has some lyrics that hit me hard everytime I hear it....

Oh,what I would do to havethe kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zoneInto the realm of the unknown Where Jesus is, And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me time and time again"Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I keep listening for the voice telling me not to be afraid, I keep listening for it to tell me I am going to be ok. I try to listen for a voice...but what I need to notice is the things around me, the people around me and what they are saying. God speaks to be all the time but I don't take the time to listen or to enjoy what he is putting in front of me.

I want to not be afraid anymore, its time for me to let the walls down, time to let love in. Yet I am so scared to step out into the unknown......

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Do you you every have those days were all you want to do is bury your head in a pillow, a hole, in anything and hope that things will get better after you pull your head out of whatever?

I want to bury my head, take a long nap and then when I wake up all of my personal stresses will be gone! Wouldn't life be great if that was to happen? But then again God brings us to stressful situations to help us, he doesn't bury his head when he stresses out. Whatever He has me going through, I know He will not leave my side, He will not turn His back on me for He is the one that I given my life up to. Lord, you know my heart and you know the stress I am in....it is your will not mine and I know that you will be by my side during this season of my life and you will help me through.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Wedding Day

Yesterday one of my dear friends got married. It was a beautiful day..but HOT! Standing up at the altar in a long dress with three skirts was miserable.

I was the reason they met, she and I went on a Pub Crawl with a singles group that I was thinking of joining. It hurt to know that I was the one looking for someone and she found someone. But that is great! She told me that if he would have came into her life about a year before that she would have not been ready for him or a relationship.

As we were leaving last night my friends new husband gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing her out that night... and that its time for me to find someone.

Time will tell....Happy Wedding Life M&J.....may you married be as happy as you two are at this moment!

Friday, July 10, 2009

When people don't know the truth

How can some people look you in the eye and treat you like crap and then turn around and be the greatest of people to others?

The ex. husband ignores his parental rights (visitation weekend and days, not paying child support) but then people on the outside think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread (never got that saying). They rave about how great he is, what a wonderful job he has done...it makes me ill. What if those people knew the truth? Would they still look at him the same? What if those people knew that he has not provided one thing for his children in over a year? What if they knew that he ignores his children?

I know the truth and they will have to find theirs out on their own...but then again he needs to let the truth set him free....but then again he lives in a completely different world then the rest of us.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Cutting of the Apron Strings

When the boys were born, I thought they would be mine forever. Well, on some levels they will be mine forever. Now forever has come, for one of them.

In September my oldest will start High School...the start of the cutting of the apron strings. I stand in front of him in awe, what happened to my cubby baby? Now he stands taller then me, and is skinny. I look at him with such hope that I have given him the tools he will need to be good in high school. Get good grades, treat women with respect, go to church (or a least remember to pray), do well in sports and treat everyone they way you want to be treated.

I have to let him go, and be the man God has planned for him. He does not belong to me, he belongs to himself. He has to make choices now, good or bad. He has to learn how to make in this crazy world.

I don't want to cut the apron strings, I want to keep him safe, protected. But I have to cut them, as much as it hurts to see him go...its time to cut.

At least I have another one to keep close...but that one has wanted the apron strings cut since birth...what's a mom to do....let them go....say a prayer...and let them know they are loved.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32.

Words I need to keep on my heart. The anger I have built up inside of me is starting to eat me alive. Anger that can slowly turn me into the woman I do not want to be, the women I am scared of becoming. A women who is more consumed with getting even the looking at all of the beauty around her. A women who rather knock someone down then try to help the one down. This is not who I need to be.

To be able to forgive is a path that many do not want to go down, when they don't it eats them alive and then they start to live in a 'could have...should have' world. This is my world at the moment...I could have left before the wedding....I should have never let him home. This is all part of my history, the part of my life that is shaping me into the women God thought of when he made me for my mother's womb.

How do we forgive? Can't we just confess the anger? Do I have to go to the person and tell them I forgive them? What if we could never forgive? Are there things that people can do to us that we can never go down the forgiveness path?

On some levels I have forgiven him for the cheating, for the lying, for the deception. At the surface level...I can never forgive him for what he did and is doing to his children. Not being a dad is unacceptable.

How does this forgiveness work? I need to figure it our...it holds me back so much

Sunday, June 14, 2009


Letting go and releasing the pain, hurt, humiliation and everything else in between that you caused. I have to let go, where do I start? How do you let go of it all?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Undoing the abuse

When my marriage started to fall apart, I started to see a therapist. She save my life! I was ready to walk into the ocean and not come out. I wanted all of the pain I was going through to stop. The therapist help me in so many ways. The one thing she helped me work through was the mental abuse I had gone through. I was always made to feel less then I was, told I was not good enough, that no one wanted me. I never learned to stand up for myself.

My father started the cycle, my brother added to it and the ex. added to it as well. My father was very controlling, he made me afraid of everything. My brother made me fearful of not being good enough. The ex. made me feel unworthy of his love and the love of others. No matter how much I tried to make the men in my life happy it was never good enough.

My therapist helped me see that all of that was bull shit. I am worthy.

So now the men in my life hate when I stand up for myself, they hate that I have a voice and I am not scared to use it.

I have to be aware of when I break myself down, aware of when I am concerned that people are not approving of me and my actions.

I have learned that my opion is the only one that matters to me, if you don't like/love me for who I am then get out of my life.

I am getting stronger, I am undoing the years of feeling unworthly of love and I will not seek the approval of anyone.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

A season

I really believe that our lives are built on seasons. Not like winter, spring or fall but times when things or people come and go.

Last week, I ended a season. My office mate left for school in Montana. Jennifer was my therapist, my spiritual leader, my money planner and my source of laughter each work day.

When one season ends we are sad, but we are renewed in hope for a better season then the last.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Slow Breakdown

I am having a slow, painful mental breakdown. I am getting tired of always being the one that people can count on, you know the "ahh...Kristen will do it". Tired of always taking care of everyone else...who takes care care of me? Tired of children not listening and being respectful but always wanting something but nothing in return. Tired of my father living with me, he sits around all day and does nothing! But like everyone else in my life wants more of me, more from me and expectations of me always taking care of them. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! There is no relief from all of this. I took a hike alone yesterday and felt bad about it because I didn't clean up everyone's mess.

I just want a break, a break from running, a break from being a mom, a daughter, a worker, a friend.

I trust the God knows my plan, the path He has put me on. I pray that he brings be some type of relief. I need to take care of ME, take time for ME...but with so many people pulling will I ever get the chance?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Something has to give

Trying to find yourself, trying to find what God has intended you to be is a tough road. I have taken so many detours that I am sometimes not sure that I am going the right way.

I have learned to take each day as it comes, you can't plan for everything. My days are not the same each day, thank goodness. I can have everything planned out for the day and then one slip up and it's a mess. Growing up, if we wanted to eat dinner somewhere other then our house we had to let my dad know a week in advance. I know it was because he planned our meals out and did not want to waste money. When I became a mom that was one thing that went out the window, if you are not home we eat without you and then we have left overs.

See, life.. like that cannot be planned out...life should not be overly planned. You have to look at each day differently then the next. Each day, God knows what is going to happen but I don't think He can plan how you are going to reaction to it. Reaction is the biggest part of all of this, you can be positive or negative just know that how you do it effects everyone around you.

So...something has to give...my reactions....my attitude....I have to give it all up to God and allow His grace to guide me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I hate Mother's Day

When I was seven years old, my Mom passed away. It was the saddest day of my life, as time went on the memory of her has faded but there is still a hole in my heart. When I got married she was not there, when I gave birth she was not there. But I know she was in my heart.

I started to hate Mother's Day after she passed, in school they would have us make projects for our Mom's and I would not do it. The teachers would say make it for someone special in your life but I didn't want to. I have had a very special women in my life she is my mom but not by birth and not by marriage but out of pure love.

When I gave birth to the boys, Mother's Day got a little better. There would be family get togethers and lots of love. But since my divorce, I started to hate them more. I don't get gifts from my kids, no cards..sometimes a project made at school. No breakfast in bed, no special treatment. I told my boys the only gift I want each year is for them to come to church with me, this way I feel like a special mom a mom that is loved by her children. They have not done this for me.

My oldest is a great kid and is always thinking of me before himself, kinda like me. My youngest is the one I have the hardest time with. He cannot do anything for me, he can't clean his room, he can't bring the dirty clothes out of his room to wash them, he cannot help with things around the house, he only wants for himself. I don't know what I did wrong, I loved him the same as his brother, he gets a lot of things and a lot of my time. No matter what I do for him its not enough, I feel at times he does not love me, that he hates me. I don't know what to do.

A friend of mine, her boys brought her breakfast in bed today. She is so lucky.....

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Telling everyone it's ok

I tell everyone all the time that I am ok with being single...but the truth is I think I am not. I would like to be but I am not. Since the ex. husband left, I have been searching and searching for someone but no one seems to be interested. What is wrong with me? I know I need to lose weight, I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone, I need to let the pain of be of being cheated on, the pain of being left, the pain of not knowing why I allowed him to hurt me.

Maybe I put up an invisible shield that repeals men away from me because I don't want to be hurt again. How to move on without fear of not being hurt, I know not all men hurt and I hope someday God will bring me to him. So in the mean time, I am ok just don't ask me to dig deeper because I am really not.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Letting it all go

For some reason, I go on daily to check to see if any child support payment was made. For some reason, I think the ex. husband is going to wake up out of his dream and remember he has children that need more then his being around, they need love, support both physically and financially and they need him emotionally. For some reason, I think I am going to find Mr. Perfect in one of those chance meetings like you see in the movies or read about. For some reason, I think my dad is going to move out of my house without me asking. For some reason, I think I am going to be ok.....

I have to let it all go, like a wave sweeping over me while playing in the ocean. I can't resist it, I need to let it take me wherever I need to go. Letting it all go gives the control back to God. I can't control the ex. husband, I can't control when Mr. Perfect will come into my life, I can't control....well when my dad moves out I can control...I think. The only thing I can control is me.....breathing in and breathing out...letting my tight grip go...and releasing.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Return of the boys

The boys were both gone last week on school trips, one to camp and the other to Washington DC..sadly neither one wanted to come home. When I asked them why they both told me the same thing: Grandpa.

My dad moved in over a year ago with the intention of staying a few months until he found a place of his own. He is still here! And I can't take it anymore! He has no relationship with my brother and has some kind of relationship with his brother but I am all he has. I am the only one left in his life that he has not pissed off. Well he is on the verge of it with me. He rolls his eyes about church and my faith. He does not like the way I am raising my boys, he hates when the ex. husband is here and I can go on and one. He never leaves the house, I have offered to get him a gym membership and he does not want it. ugh...

When I found out when the boys were leaving for his trips, I told him that I needed him to leave for a few days that week. I need time alone in MY house. He didn't leave.

So, how do I get him out of my house? I am not the type to just be upfront, I am a beat around the bush kind of gal.

It's sad that the boys are not building a relationship with him like most grandchildren do, they just don't like him. They don't respect him. I tell them they need to but they remind me that he does not respect me or what we do as a family.

I am glad my boys are safe in their beds, I did miss them even though they did not miss me.

How did this blog go from the return of the boys to one about my dad? ugh! time for bed!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Deadbeat Dad

So, I have been divorced or seperated now for four years. When I filed for divorce I filed at the same time garnishment paperwork for Child Suppport. Well to date the jerk owes me close to $19,000 (and that is not including the child care expenses, school, sports and medical expenses)! That is a down payment on a condo, that is an amazing trip to Europe, that is a sweet down payment of my dream car, that is so many things!
In California you have all child support cases go through a department of the courts. I called them today to see what is going on...well the jerk has his licensed suspended (great..he has been driving my kids!), they are going to take any taxes he is owed (he has not filed in 5 years), they are getting ready to take any money he has in his bank account. And if he goes 12 months without paying anything then he is going to be held in contempt of court and could go to jail.
How hard is it to make sure you kids are taken care of? I know there are not that many jobs out there, but hell if it was me...I would be flipping burgers, waiting tables, doing anything I could do make sure my kids got some kind of money.
I could take him to court now and try to get full legal and physical custody of the boys and press the courts to put him in jail now...ugh!
How can he look me in the eye or his boys and know he is not doing what he needs to be doing for his children?
His dad is looking down from heaven and is sad by his son actions!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My ring finger

so...my ring finger itches sometimes...could be just that it itches and nothing more. When I was married and wearing my wedding rings, it would itch sometime the skin under the rings would peel (gross I know). I use to take it as a sign that something was wrong with my marriage for my finger to itch so bad. After my divorce, I would think that the itching was meaning that someone was coming into my life soon. At times, I look at my ring finger and I can still see the indention where my rings are. That is there to remind me that I am not going to settle anymore for anyone!

Sunday, March 29, 2009


ok....I just need to sometimes to get the things out of my head and out..I call it healing! So here I am to blog my way through my healing process and the process of becoming a women of grace....so sit back...and forgive my spelling and bad grammer...I am just going to skip through life...skipping is slower then running!

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San Diego, CA, United States