Monday, November 23, 2009

wow...a year ago

A year has past since my Father in Law (or ex. Father in Law) passed away. I remember every detail of that week, where I was when I found out he was going into the hospital for a procedure, the night I got the call that he had a stroke, the hours spent in the waiting room with the family, Jonathan's face when he saw his grandfather with tubes all over the place, when I promised to raise the boys to be like him, when Tyler saw his grandfather by accident and cried. We sat for hours as a family reading, playing games, watching tv but we were there as a family.

When the divorce was final, my role in my ex. husbands family changed. I was no longer the daughter in law I became the mother of the grandsons. Well that was in my mind, that family is still my family. When the doctor came to discuss my Father in Law is pushed my chair out of the circle because I was not part of the family and remember as I was pushing it away my Mother in Law grabbed it and pulled me back in and told me that I needed to be apart of the discussion and decisions that needed to me made for my Father in Law's care. We decided as a family when the breathing tube was to come out, and I remember how strong my Mother in Law was but she looked so little as she was being strong for all of us.

The five days my Father in Law was in ICU, I went every day except for one and that was the day he went home to God. I promised him I would be there and I broke one last promise to him and I regret not going, the boys didn't want to stop they were tired of the hospital.

I miss this man everyday, I pray that I am doing what I promised him. He loved his grandsons and he loved me as his own.

Tony....I love you and miss you! I hope you are smiling down on your grandsons and that you are proud of the men they are becoming. I miss you on the soccer fields, I miss you on the baseball fields, I miss you in your chair and I miss your presence in my life. I know you and my mom are great friends, hope you told her that I am a great mom! I will never stop missing you! And I know the family will never stop missing you!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Good Bye....Knuckle Head

I have had someone in and out of my life for a few years, and I refer to him as Knuckle Head because he seems so interested in me but can't figure out what he wants. Well....that is what I thought.

He and I would meet to have drinks every few months and he would tell me how cute I was and that he cannot believe that I have not been swept off of my feet by someone. He would tell me things like: my mom would love you, I need to be dating you, let's take a trip together...on and on...and I would be so taken back by some of the things he would say.

But in the back of my mind I could not figure out why he would not take the relationship a step further. My gut kept telling me there was someone else and I would ask him that and he would reassure me that there is no one in his life. He knew how much I was hurt by the ex. husbands cheating ways, he knew how much of a guard I have put up because of it and he knew the journey I took to get over the pain of a cheating husband.

So, my curious mind kicked in last night...I dug around Facebook and was able to find some pictures of him...with friends...on vacation....and with his girlfriend!

I sat on the information for a little bit then I sent him a text (me in " and his response in ')...."Do me a big favor?"...'sure'...."delete my number"....'why?'...'something wrong'......"I was ready to give you my heart but for some reason you didn't want it, and because of that it would be best if you did.....there was always something\someone in the way of you taking this any further".........nothing after that.

The tears came and they came because for the last few years I hung onto the idea of a relationship with him, the tears came because I had been so dumb that I didn't pick up on it sooner, the tears came because those who love me knew something was not right with him. I told myself that I would never cry over a man again...well I did!

I have to look at this situation as this.....I am ready to date....I am ready to be loved again...I can do this...I am stronger....I know what I want in a man....I know that God has a plan for me and He will not let me down.

So Knuckle are missing out on an amazing women who would have loved you and cared for you more then you will ever there will be someone else who can have my heart because its not for you anymore!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Today is here....tomorrow is gone

Today is just a moment of time, yesterday is gone there is nothing I can do to get it back. I cannot get the last minute back. So I can think ahead to later today, but I cannot get disappointed if what lies ahead does not go my way.
Time does not stop and if I could have stopped it, what would I have stopped to change? I wouldn't change anything, that is my life history. I would slow down how fast the boys are growing up, can't take it. My babies are not mine any more...they belong to themselves and one day they will leave me and marry...oh gesh...I will never be ready for that.
So this time has past...can't get it back...think to the future and be ready for every bump along the way.

About Me

My photo
San Diego, CA, United States