Monday, December 23, 2013


Yesterday,  I listened to two different messages at two different churches, and they both had a very similar theme to them.....Hope.

In the NIV version of the Bible the word Hope is mentioned a 159 times (it must mean something to God if it is in there that many times), the definition of hope is to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true,  to cherish a desire with anticipation, to expect with confidence.

Hope is a powerful thing! Hope allows us to see past our present situation, Hope changes us, Hope gives us joy, Hope gives us courage and Hope frees us!

It is such a tiny word, only four letters long and when you say it does not sound harsh.

I believe in Hope, I believe that Hope is going to bring me an amazing 2014 and beyond. I believe that Hope will get me through any situation.

Brooke Fraser's CS Lewis song sums up Hope very well for me:

"For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

Believe in Hope....its coming for me and for you!!

Friday, December 20, 2013


I wrote a blog about Christmas back in 2011 and I found it strange that I am still feeling the say way about Christmas.

I have not have that magically Christmas spirit in 2 years! I am starting not to be a big fan of this holiday. I started thinking about why I don't like this holiday anymore.

Money has been tight for the past two years and this year is even worse. Not working for six months has depleted my savings account, unemployment has to last me two weeks and I have to pay bills out of this upcoming weeks payment. I hate the idea of going broke for one day. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus and I love being with family but I can do those two things at any time.

The other reason why this holiday gets me down is that the boys are getting older and they do not like to do the same traditions we did when they were younger. The excitement of Santa coming is not there any more. They usually know what they are getting which ruins the magic.

I usually have these grand ideas for them for Christmas but they are usually just an idea because I can't afford it.

And I think the crux of all of this is I set such high expectations for everything....Christmas expectations that they will want to make cookies for Santa, they will want to go look at Christmas lights, they will want to go to Church and they will wake up and sneak into the living room to see what is under the tree and check the stockings.

I wish I can believe in the Magic of Christmas again and I need to stop with the grand expectations.

ps...we did get a only has lights on it

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady...part 10

Didn't go to my usual meeting this week but did weigh myself at home and I stayed this same which I wonder if I really lost because my scale at home is not always right.

This week I have been thinking about what I put in my mouth, when I put it in my mouth and why.

Breakfast usually consists of toast and hot chocolate. Sometimes a muffin or cereal. And then sometimes I eat nothing. Lunch is a sandwich or a quesadilla and once in a while cottage cheese and fruit. Dinner is always a protein, side dish and veggies. And then there is my daily intake of snacks.

I will eat all day long if I could, I love to snack. This could be good and bad, I am always full but is what I am eating good for me? If you are a snacker you should be snacking on fruits, veggies and proteins. I snack on crackers, popcorn, dry cereal and cookies...see no good!

The why is the comfort, food does not judge me, food does not tell me I am doing things wrong. Certain foods just make me feel good....mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and homemade desserts.

I plan our dinners but don't plan the other meals....might have to plan my breakfast and lunch....

Hoping for a good week...but then again...its going to be Christmas and we eat all day long!!!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady...part 9

So this week I am down .4, not a lot but it is something. It was a stressful week and I am surprised I lost anything. This past week was full of stress and peace, it was strange! I was stressing about my financial mess and was in peace for being in my house alone for a couple of days (this does not happen often so I love it when it happens).

I was thinking of canceling my Weight Watchers membership because it is an expense I don't want to take one at the moment. But then I had to step back and think I am worth it, I am worth the money it costs for it. It is my time despite not having a lot of money at the moment.

One of the things we talked about today was Hedonic Hunger....eating for pleasure not for fuel or for energy. We all know I LOVE TO EAT GOOD FOOD!! So I am for sure eating for pleasure not for fuel for my body. I have to find away that I can eat for fuel that satisfies my wanting to eat for pleasure. Need to eat slower, need to eat for my health and find away to make it all yummy!

So here is to another week of taking care of ME, taking care of this body God has given me. I know if I am not healthy I cannot do the will of God.

Gotta keep step at a time.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 8

Thought I was doing pretty good this past week and then I go weigh in and I only lost .2 pounds. I have been watching what I am eating (even at Thanksgiving), my walking partner has been making sure I walk each night and I have been painting the inside of the house. I believe this week lack of weigh loss is from stress.

I need to keep moving, keep thinking of what is to come.

Short post this week...hopefully next week I will feel less stressed.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving blahs or Food Coma has taken over my brain

Thanksgiving is time with family and friends and giving thanks for all of the blessing in your life. I spent Thanksgiving painting my hallway and a quick dinner down by the water. I have so many things to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving I am feeling a little less blessed and a tad bit sad.

This was the first Thanksgiving that my oldest is away at college, was sadden there was no call saying "Happy Thanksgiving Mom, I hope you have a good day and I miss you". There was no "Hey Mom I am so grateful for you and what you do for me" from my youngest.

I am thinking my boys do not like me, my oldest was happy to get away from me and my youngest is counting the days down until he can get away from me.

I have raised the two of them basically on my own for eight years, their dad has been around but I have taken care of their day to day needs and have given so much to them that I have neglected me.

Maybe that is where I went wrong, I gave too much.

I have so many single mom friends and I am so envious of their relationships with their children. Their children make them breakfast in bed on their birthday. They get their Mom flowers and a card on Mother's Day. They get phone calls from their children on holidays. They like to take pictures with their Moms. They say Thank You to their Mom for all that she is done for them.

Where did I go wrong?  I did what I thought was best for them, I made decisions for them that I thought would be good for them. I thought I taught them to be kind to others, to be respectful for those who care for them.

Think the food has gone to my brain and filled my head with lies....but why am I so sad?

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 7 I am again..I gained one pound this week! What is my problem? Why do I continue to do this to myself? Is there a reason why I insist on eating poorly? This is something that I cannot figure out! I will have a great day of watching what I am eating, walking or going to the gym, and giving myself a small treat for doing well...then the next day I am eating whatever I want, not going to the gym and giving my self a large treat for being a fatty!

At today's meeting we talked about making a why list instead of a to do list....why do I want to lose weight? 
              -To feel better
              -To have clothes that fit well
              -To feel attractive, to be desired
              -Not to feel like a blob
              -To reverse the damage I have done to the body God has given me

I journal during meetings and I wrote this down "you have to want I really want it?" Of course I want to feel attractive and desired, of course I want to feel better and have better health. But what in the hell is stopping me? I am stopping me!! I am stopping me because its comfortable to eat what I want. It is safe not to feel attractive and desired...that way I can't get hurt by another man again.

There is only a few things in life we can control....and one of them is what we put into our mouths and the other is bodily functions. I know God is in control of everything else but I control what I decide to put into my mouth. I have to gain control of this food addiction I have.

Tomorrow is a new day...a new day to try again...a new day to start over....

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

What we leave behind

I have been thinking today of what we leave behind when we are called away from this world. We are more than likely to leave someone else with our debt (sorry boys), our most prized possessions, a house or apartment full of stuff, money in the bank (sorry boys there is none), our cars...those are just things, things that some of us can do without. What we really leave behind is our family, friends and those who loved us.

I was at a memorial service yesterday for a family friend, he had 6 children, 14 grandchildren and 24 great grandchildren (and counting)! He left them with his love, his wisdom, his presences, and his faith in God. I am sure his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will not remember the things he bought them or gave them..they will remember the love he gave, the time he gave and his just being there for them.

Today, I am sadden that 5 years ago my father is law took his last breath on this earth and went home to be with his family and God. He left 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren behind and left us with his love, his wisdom, his presences, and his love of his family. I can say life has not been the same since he left. But I am comforted by knowing he is still with us, though we might not see him we feel his presence.

I hope to leave all of those things behind with my children, family and friends. I hope they knew I loved them all, that I only wanted the best for them, that I would have done just about anything for them. I don't want my life to have been a waste, I want my life to have made some kind of difference in someone..

So....what will you leave behind?  

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 6

Phew....a better week in the weight loss arena in my life. This week I dropped 1.2 which I was a little worried about. I think I am going to worry each week not matter what.

I also started a Weight Loss Challenge at church last week and I learned somethings about my body I am not happy about. I am living in the body of a 65 year old women, that is 20 years older then I am!!!! That is what I have done to my body, I have aged it, I have been slowly sending myself to an early grave, I have been destroying what God has given me.

So with that, I am trying to reverse what I have done. It will not be easy but with each pound I am reversing the damage I have done to myself.

This week need to get more water into my system, add more veggies and fruit....My weigh in next week is going to be great and I am going to crush the Weight Loss Challenge at church!!!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 5

Not a good week, I have gained back what I lost. :(  I was shocked that I gained it back, things seemed to be going well. My clothes are fitting better, I was watching what I was what happened?? Soda is what happened! Not saying it was the complete reason why I gained weight back but I have been drinking more soda and less water.

So easy to slide back into bad habits, so easy to go back to what seems easy and comfortable.

I am reading a book called "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope which is about how to stop doubting yourself and to live in the promises God has given.

Something I read this week really stuck me and goes with the bad habits I feel back into. "The enemy will whisper to us that "we deserve" the chocolate cake. He'll remind us we had a stressful week and made so many sacrifices. He'll then convince us that "surely one piece won't hurt". We'll eat one, and then another. The next day we regret it, but then we're feeling down and start craving more, so we go back and eat cake until the whole thing is gone. Then we get on the scale and feel completely defeated because we gained back the five pounds we worked so hard to lose. Immediately the accuser's voice of condemnation beast us up, telling us we are a failure because we have no control or self control."

Wow, now I am not saying the evil one made me eat poorly or made me drink the sodas. But I did feel defeated this morning and the voice of condemnation came over me telling me I was just a fatty and I can't do this. Telling me to accept that I will always be over weight.

I have to fight this all day long, every is the one thing right now in my life I can control. I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide should I walk or just stay in bed and watch TV all day. Not working right now can either put my into a deep depression or I can fight it and reclaim my body.

This week I need to limit the amount of soda I drink...move more fruit and veggies...and fight the accuser telling me I can't do it!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 4

Was a busy week, traveled to Oregon for Dad's Weekend at OSU. My gosh Oregon is beautiful in the fall. The leafs are beautiful and the colors and just as amazing.

Didn't eat well during our travels, I was aware of what I was putting in my mouth and I can't justify my bad food choices while gone. But come on....Voodoo doughnuts?? Can't go to Portland with one or two.

I did manage to lose this week, lost .2 not what I had expected thought I was going to gain this week. So with three weigh ins done I have lost 1.6 pounds.

This week I need to focus on workouts or just plain old fashion walks. Also need to slow down while I eat, put the fork down and take a sip of water before taking another bite.

With only 1.6 down I can feel the difference in some of my clothes which is good. I was feeling very uncomfortable in some of them.

So here is to week four....goal for weight loss....wanna be down 2 pounds...gotta get it done. Taking care of the body God has given me.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady....part 3

This week was a rough one, car died which pretty much took all of my savings. Which then lead me to feeling a bit out of control emotionally. So I wasn't too sure how this weeks weigh in would be. Well I lost .4 pounds, still a loss so I will take it.

Something has stick with me this week from Church on Sunday.....I need to return my body to God. My body (my life) was a gift from Him and I need to care for it.

By allowing my body to get this big and so unhealthy I am not taking care of the greatest gift...Life!

It's a tough process when all you have done for the past 20 something years is care for others and not taking the time for me. I felt selfish if I went and did something for me when the boys were younger, felt like I didn't deserve time for me. I was a mom I had to be there 100% for my children not matter what.

So this coming week I have to remember to let myself have time for me and watch what I am putting in my mouth.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Confessions of a Fat Lady...part 2

Week 2 of Weight Watchers, lost one pound and I thought that I wouldn't lose anything. I over ate my points each day, I have added walking back into my daily routine. Klondike is a great reminder to get up and walk, every night from 8:00pm - 9:00pm he comes into my room and whines and will keep whining until I take him for a walk.

I need to break the bad habits I have developed over the years when it comes to food. I still see myself as weighing 100 pounds like I did in high school. I was able to eat whatever I wanted and didn't gain a ounce. I know that is not true...but sometimes a donut just is so good. I have to look at doing that as a reward /treat instead of a normal routine. I need to develop habits that are around good food not sugary junk or high in fat.

Last weekend I went to a farmers market and enjoyed looking and tasting fresh/healthy foods. I tried fresh cheeses, oranges, grapes and fresh flavored butters. Bought some great items that we have started using in the house. I made an amazing mac and cheese with fresh items that we bought. I think the Europeans have the right idea, they have smaller refrigerators which means they have to buy fresh items and use them right away. This means there is hardly any additives that can change the taste and health values.

So off to rework my menus for the next week and off to find some more farmers markets.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Confessions of a fat lady

I have been putting off starting Weight Watchers again, this morning I went and glad (love that the meeting I attended was in a Jewish Synagogue ) I did. I took a journal with me to write down ideas and things that are said during the meeting. Today I wrote this 'take control of me, my life and my health'. I need change, change from the routine that has not been working for me, change to be more healthy, and change to look better.

What I like about Weight Watchers is that I don't have to cut out the foods I love. I have to learn portions and when to say no. I need to learn what triggers my poor eating habits and what triggers my laziness.

I love food.....I love being lazy....I love a glass of wine or mimosa....I love sleeping....but I LOVE ME MORE!!! To become the women I am meant to be, I need to trust God and His wisdom and I need to trust that I can lose this weight.

Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengths me" and with Him by my side I can do it.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Apron strings have been cut....ouch!

One week ago, I left my first born a state away in a dorm room. I surprised myself and I didn't cry when we left. I felt at peace, my job was done.

I have been doing very well with not calling him, or texting him. I have left that all up to him. That has been hard, strange not knowing what he is doing or who he is with.

The apron strings have been cut, we have been slowly cutting them since his freshman year of high school and I have been resisting the final cut but I didn't have a choice when he decided on a college a 3 hour plan ride and then a 90 minute drive away.

The good thing is I have another one that I still have attached to my apron :)

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Here I go....

So here I am....the heaviest I have been in years

Tomorrow starts my newest and second journey on Weight Watchers. I cannot do this to my body anymore. I don't feel right, I am depressed about how I look.

I know I will never be a size 3 again but one can hope....

Friday, September 6, 2013

Hi my name is Kristen and I weigh....

Ok putting it out into the cyber universe.....I weigh a 180 one time many years ago I weighed a 100 pounds. And I need to rid myself of some of this weight!

I did really well on Weight Watchers but I grew tired of always having to watch what I was putting in my mouth. I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat when I wanted to eat it.

I love food, I love chocolate, I love coffee, I love sweets and I love being lazy!

So now I have come to a point where I am not happy with my body, the way it feels, the way clothes fit.

1 Corinthians 6:19 says "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own"

How am I honoring God with abusing my body with over eating, eating the wrong things for me, for not helping my body to be strong? I am not, I am abusing this body God has given me.

So.....the school year is starting for my boys so I must start anew as is to yet another journey of losing some of this weight and taking care of the body God has given me.

Say a prayer for me!!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Depression has set in

All I want to do is eat, sleep and be alone....depression of not having a job has set in. I am trying to fight it and it is consuming me. I just want to shut the world out and stew in my own loathing.

But because I trust in God, He will help me fight this. He is setting out a path for me to walk on. I am so scared to walk on the path. What happens if it takes me to places I don't want to go, what if it does not pull my out of this funk I am in.

God....I am putty in your hands, please pull me out of this. Help me to see I have worth, I am loved and people like/love me.

Hate this feeling God...pull me.....

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

58 and 45...... depression is mounting and is there hope?

58 is the number of days I have been unemployed and 45 is the number of positions I have applied for in these 58 days. I have been trying to keep a positive outlook that something is going to come my way, a position that is going to change me, a position that is going to make me happy.

58 days of trying to figure out the next stage of my life, 45 applications trying to get someone to hire me.

The depression is setting in, feeling hopeless, feeling lost, feeling unwanted, feeling left behind, feeling forgotten.

45 applications that I hope will impress someone, only 2 have contacted me, one interview and one phone interview and no offer of employment.

58 days of trying to put on the happy face on for the boys, trying to make them feel like we are going to be ok that things will work out.

58 days of wondering when I will feel some satisfaction of doing a good job, of helping people be the best they can be.

It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning, getting harder to put on the happy face.

I know that God has a plan for me, a plan to bring me happiness.....but when? I am tired of watching other people be happy, tired of watching people get what they want (promotions, raises, the love of their life, new car, new house, etc...). I want it to be my time!

I have given all this to God, I have prayed about it, I have asked others to pray for me...nothing is happening....tired of being sad, tired of putting the happy face on.....

58 days and a piece of me died.....45 prayers many more times do I have to count?

Monday, June 10, 2013

To my oldest

Dear Jonathan:

Here we are the day before your High School graduation. I am so proud of you, not only for graduating with over a 3.0 but of the man you are becoming.

When you were born, I would sit and watch you sleep and wonder what you would be when you grew up.

As you grew up, I would watch you win games, lose games and I cheered you on the whole way. I thought you were the greatest player out there. I was amazed when you would come out of nowhere and steal the ball away during soccer and take it up field and cross it over to your teammate. I thought for sure you were going to play all the way through college. Then something happened, you wanted to run cross country to stay in shape for soccer and you were amazing at it. Yep you broke my heart when you didn't want to play soccer anymore but watching you improve with each race made it all worth it. Each race you left all of it out on the track or course. Hope you continue to run.

During all of your soccer and running you kept getting hurt and this is when you discovered what you wanted to study in college. I thought for sure you were going to be an engineer, you loved building things and figuring out how things work. But you sure have a knack for helping others heal themselves. When I broke my ankle, it was you who helped me in rehab (and laughing at me the whole time). I guess in some ways you are still trying to figure out how things work, but its with the human body.

I am worried about you leaving for college in September, worried that you won't know how to navigate the world with all of its uncertainties. But I am always reminded that you are a smart kid and you will be just fine. I am going to miss seeing you everyday, laughing with you and making sure you are ok. I hope I taught you enough that the world will be gentle to you. I hope the foundation that I have laid will be enough for you, I hope all of the mistakes I made the last 18 years have not scared you forever, I hope that you know that I might not have been the perfect mom, that I tried to be the best I could.

My other hope is that every time you have to make a decision, that you think of Papa Tony. Think about what he would tell you to do, think about what decision he would have made. I am sure it will be easy once you think of him. He would have been so proud of you. Please think of him tomorrow during graduation, you and Tyler meant the world to him.

I have said to you before, this next chapter of your life is to be written by you! I have started the book for is up to you to continue the story...YOUR STORY!!

I love you to the moon and back. My God bless you always and may you always walk in faith that He will be with you every step of the way.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Wedding Dream

About 6 or 7 years ago I had a dream that I was getting married, I remember the dream like I had it last night. The dream goes like this.....I am driving with a friend in her 4runner, I have my dress on with awful gladiator type shoes on. My phone rings and it is my husband to be, telling me to hurry because I am going to be late (for those who know me, know I am always late). But I tell him I have to get my wedding shoes. The shoes I guess are in a closet at church. I woke up not finding the shoes or seeing who I was marrying.

The dream has been a puzzle to me ever since.  I looked up what each detail meant and I am still puzzled.

Wedding dreams mean new beginnings, shoes mean a path.....where is this path? A path to what?

The other thing I remember is his voice on the phone....need to find that voice.

Another thing that keeps bugging me is why in the heck do I remember this dream so well?

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San Diego, CA, United States