Thursday, May 28, 2009

A season

I really believe that our lives are built on seasons. Not like winter, spring or fall but times when things or people come and go.

Last week, I ended a season. My office mate left for school in Montana. Jennifer was my therapist, my spiritual leader, my money planner and my source of laughter each work day.

When one season ends we are sad, but we are renewed in hope for a better season then the last.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Slow Breakdown

I am having a slow, painful mental breakdown. I am getting tired of always being the one that people can count on, you know the "ahh...Kristen will do it". Tired of always taking care of everyone else...who takes care care of me? Tired of children not listening and being respectful but always wanting something but nothing in return. Tired of my father living with me, he sits around all day and does nothing! But like everyone else in my life wants more of me, more from me and expectations of me always taking care of them. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! There is no relief from all of this. I took a hike alone yesterday and felt bad about it because I didn't clean up everyone's mess.

I just want a break, a break from running, a break from being a mom, a daughter, a worker, a friend.

I trust the God knows my plan, the path He has put me on. I pray that he brings be some type of relief. I need to take care of ME, take time for ME...but with so many people pulling will I ever get the chance?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Something has to give

Trying to find yourself, trying to find what God has intended you to be is a tough road. I have taken so many detours that I am sometimes not sure that I am going the right way.

I have learned to take each day as it comes, you can't plan for everything. My days are not the same each day, thank goodness. I can have everything planned out for the day and then one slip up and it's a mess. Growing up, if we wanted to eat dinner somewhere other then our house we had to let my dad know a week in advance. I know it was because he planned our meals out and did not want to waste money. When I became a mom that was one thing that went out the window, if you are not home we eat without you and then we have left overs.

See, life.. like that cannot be planned should not be overly planned. You have to look at each day differently then the next. Each day, God knows what is going to happen but I don't think He can plan how you are going to reaction to it. Reaction is the biggest part of all of this, you can be positive or negative just know that how you do it effects everyone around you.

So...something has to attitude....I have to give it all up to God and allow His grace to guide me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I hate Mother's Day

When I was seven years old, my Mom passed away. It was the saddest day of my life, as time went on the memory of her has faded but there is still a hole in my heart. When I got married she was not there, when I gave birth she was not there. But I know she was in my heart.

I started to hate Mother's Day after she passed, in school they would have us make projects for our Mom's and I would not do it. The teachers would say make it for someone special in your life but I didn't want to. I have had a very special women in my life she is my mom but not by birth and not by marriage but out of pure love.

When I gave birth to the boys, Mother's Day got a little better. There would be family get togethers and lots of love. But since my divorce, I started to hate them more. I don't get gifts from my kids, no cards..sometimes a project made at school. No breakfast in bed, no special treatment. I told my boys the only gift I want each year is for them to come to church with me, this way I feel like a special mom a mom that is loved by her children. They have not done this for me.

My oldest is a great kid and is always thinking of me before himself, kinda like me. My youngest is the one I have the hardest time with. He cannot do anything for me, he can't clean his room, he can't bring the dirty clothes out of his room to wash them, he cannot help with things around the house, he only wants for himself. I don't know what I did wrong, I loved him the same as his brother, he gets a lot of things and a lot of my time. No matter what I do for him its not enough, I feel at times he does not love me, that he hates me. I don't know what to do.

A friend of mine, her boys brought her breakfast in bed today. She is so lucky.....

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Telling everyone it's ok

I tell everyone all the time that I am ok with being single...but the truth is I think I am not. I would like to be but I am not. Since the ex. husband left, I have been searching and searching for someone but no one seems to be interested. What is wrong with me? I know I need to lose weight, I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone, I need to let the pain of be of being cheated on, the pain of being left, the pain of not knowing why I allowed him to hurt me.

Maybe I put up an invisible shield that repeals men away from me because I don't want to be hurt again. How to move on without fear of not being hurt, I know not all men hurt and I hope someday God will bring me to him. So in the mean time, I am ok just don't ask me to dig deeper because I am really not.

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San Diego, CA, United States