Christmas....blahs

So today is Christmas....why do I dislike it so much this year? I didn't want to decorate, didn't want a tree and the thought of spending so much money for one day made me stress out.

I have been slowly disliking Christmas actually for sometime now. Maybe it's a bit of greed, I don't get gifts from the boy, my dad get me strange things I really don't need (last year it was a broach and this year I pen)(I like the gesture though).

I do everything in this house, clean, cook, the laundry, drive people from place to place. I decorate at the holidays and I undecorate when its over. I am tired of doing everything, tired of people expecting so much from me.

I also think I dislike it so much because it reminds me that I no longer have a complete family. I am divorced, my brother and I don't speak and my mom has been gone since I was 7. I get to enjoy the boys family and I love them so much but I am just a bystander there.

I want so much for someone to come and sweep my off of my feet and take care of me!!! I am over taking care of everyone!!

I just want Christmas to be magical again!

I just don't get it

I know friends come and go....but why? If there were truly a close friend then they wouldn't go.....right??

I put so much hope in my friends, that there will be a two way street of communication not just a dead end communication. That we will see each other...rather then talking about it. That we will share each others life's...not just me sharing.

I am a friend that no one wants? I just don't get it!

I am a good mom!

In the boys family when you turn 16 you get a container of coins, my oldest got his last January. He rolled the coins himself and was saving it for a camera.

I decided the other day that I would take the coins and turn them into cash and hand it to him. Was going to tell him he could open a bank account with it or use it towards something for his camera.

When I went to get his container of coins out of his room it was gone! That night I asked him about it and he started to get a tear in his eye. He told me that he gave it to his Dad when he didn't have a place to stay. He thought it would help him.

I hugged my son and told him I was proud of him for putting others first. I have always raised the boys to think of others, to put their needs second when others need help.

I am doing this Mom thing right, they are getting what I am trying to teach them!

Now.....have to help my son get that money back!

Feeling like a Fraud and other thoughts

Lately I have been feeling like a fraud when it comes to my faith walk. I know there is a higher power, I believe Jesus walked on this earth and I hope that when my time on this earth comes to an end that I will see God and he will that I have done a good job on earth.

I have been sitting in church lately a little preoccupied, not really listening to the message...I am just taking up space.

In my small group, I listen to the people in my group and they get the bible, they get this relationship thing with God. I just sit there and listen. I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the conversation. Don't feel like I fit in....just taking up space.

When it is time to pray, I start out praying and then my mind goes else where.

I feel like I am a fraud within my small group and as a member of a church community. Just taking up space,  and taking prayers from others that get it.


My other thought I have been having lately....why do I not have any friends? I mean I have people in my life that I consider a friends but I feel like people don't like me. They don't talk to me. I can be in a room full of people I know and people ignore me. I call people, email people, text people but I am never invited places, not included.

Could it be that I am just making this stuff up in my head? Or am I just having one of those moments?

The boys and dating

I have been thinking lately about the boys and them dating. Is it wrong of me not wanting them to? I mean they have a whole life time to date or am I just projecting my lack of dating on them?

I have friends that encourage their kids to date as early as sixth grade, my two have not had a girlfriend let alone take a girl on a date as 'friends'.

In part I don't want them to date because they need to focus on their grades and sports. This is what is going to get them into college....not who they are dating!

Am I wrong not encouraging them to date?

Things learned while teaching your son to drive

Jonathan has started to drive and I am having the hardest time!!! Not because he is a bad driver (he does have a lot to learn, like breaking), it's because I have to give up control!

I am the driver, I have been driving them since they were born. I always drive! And now I have to give up the control of driving. And I think its more then Jonathan driving, its that he is growing up!

This morning we were driving and I told him that the reason I freak out when he is driving is because I like to be in control! He smiled and looked and me and said "Mom its time to let it all go!" Wow my wise child!

How in the heck do I do that? And when did I become such a control freak?

Gesh...growing up is hard at 43!

judged

For the first time in a long time, I felt judged by my weight. It cut through me like a knife and it hurt like hell!! And I think it hurt more because it was done by someone I know.

I know that I am not as thin as I use to be, but I am the same person that I was when I only weighted 100 pounds (well I have grown up a bit, a little more wiser).

The sad thing about being judged is that you don't get the chance to explain yourself, you don't get the chance to defend yourself...you are just looked over and thrown to the side like a piece of trash.

I know I am love by God and I know He does not judge me for my weight....He loves me just the way I am. And I am ok with that...that is the man I need more in my life.

Dating again?

For th past few years I have been telling myself and others that I am ok with not having anyone in my life. Well. now I want someone but I don't want to online date. I am glad that is works for some but it has not worked for me.

So what do I do? Hope Prince Charming shows up out of the blue? Sit at a bar? Just not sure where. My other issue is that, I don't know how to do this dating thing. I could have someone come up to me and flirt with me and I would have no idea that they were.

I think it is easy to to stay in my bubble, its safe in here. No one will hurt me, reject me or lie to me in my bubble.

Don't know what I want, the hard part is that I feel like those in my life will be not happy that I am out and dating.

Dating is a scary thing....not sure what to do about it.

Shoe dropped and God caught it

Every time I start to feel good about life, I always worry about something bad to happen or for the other shoe to drop. This week the other shoe was about to drop but this time it did not fall...God caught it before it could drop.

What happened was I got information that there was a chance my child support was being reevaluated and more then likely it was going to be reduced. At first I was really angry, but after a chat with my best friend or should I say my sister I calmed down. The anger was still there but something inside of me that calmed me down, something that said 'hey its just money, you will be fine'. God was with me letting me know that everything was going to be ok.

The more I sit back and look at this situation, the more I am ok with it. My children are happy, healthy and smart. They are these things because of me. They know that I am doing what I can for them.

I thank God for catching me and letting me know I am and that I am loved by Him. Through Him I know all things are possible an He will be there again to catch the shoe if it drops again.

Isaiah and lesson learned

When I broke my ankle and had to lay in bed I often thought what is God trying to teach me right now?? To slow down? To take my time? To read more? To pray more? To ask for help? I think the answer came way of a preemie baby named Isaiah. He was born at 26 weeks and was not expected to make it. His Mother is one of the many loves of my life and I wanted to be there for her when she gave birth but due to the ankle I couldn't.

Isaiah blew everyone away, he is thriving! The only worry was the possibility of blindness. When we found this out we got the prayer warriors to work. This past week we finally got word that his optic nerve is small and the tissue around it is as well...so this mean he will have vision problems but will not be blind!

My lesson learned is that I cannot stop praying and that when God says he has it handled I need to believe it.

Isaiah, I love you to pieces and cannot wait to watch you grow up!

New Year...Goals

So here is it...2011! My gut is telling me this is going to be a great year! I feel so at peace, but those you know me I am always looking for the shoe to drop. But I have to stay positive and look forward not back!

I rather think of my New Year's Resolutions as goals so here are my goals:

~Start a single parent ministry at church. I have had this on my heart for sometime and its time for me to get this into action. This goal scares me more then anything! Not only do I have to lead but I have to be vulnerable to those I am leading.

~Lose 20 more pound by June. I have a high school reunion in June and a wedding in July to attend. And besides those two events, I need to feel good and be healthy. Need to work out more and eat my veggies and fruit!

~Keep to a budget and live within my means. I was once told my a very wise women (my ex. mother in law) that there are needs and wants. The wants I have to save up for! So, I want a new car so gotta save up for one!

So that is my only goals, short and sweet.

One of my best friends says to me every year, "New Year, New You" and I think about that all the time. I am who God has designed, now I just have to live the life He intended me to live and what I am doing with my life is not what He wants.

So here is to 2011 and the shoe is not going to drop, it's going to be a GREAT year!