Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Getaway

When I need to getaway, I just drive 10 minutes to Mission Trails and take a hike. During the spring after the rains, it is the most beautiful place in the world to me. It's hard to believe that just north of those hills there are people living.

There are water falls that we hike to, when we get there the boys go and explore and I just sit on a rock, watching them and thanking God for them.

The great thing about the trails is the escape of them, I can be in the middle of nature 10 minutes from my house. A few times I have hiked we have seen coyotes, ducks, rabbits, bugs...I love it.

During the spring we drink cool water right from the stream, it is so amazing to drink. I have brought bottles with me to take back. It is so pure and yummy.

I love my place of escape...gives me peace...time to think....a time to escape if only for a few hours.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Gone...good bye...melt away

Last night a friend of mine had a gold party, for those of you that do not know what that is. It's a party where you take your old gold jewelry and a guy looks at it then weighs it and then pays you cash for your old stuff.

I took with me a few old charms from necklaces, a ring that I had broke and never got fixed,my high school class ring (why did I make my dad buy that for me) broken necklaces and my engagement ring and wedding ring. The diamond in the ring was one carat but it had several flaws...wait....flawed like my marriage! Oh my it was like the diamond was trying to tell me something when he gave it to me!

So....my wedding ring and engagement rings are gone, they will be melted down and made into gold bars.

I keep thinking I should have saved them for the boys to do with them whatever they wanted but they are tanted, they hold no good memories. I have for them their Grandmother and Great Grandmothers rings they can have them...they were from good marriages.

A friend said to me last night that I needed to get rid of them and clense myself of him and that I need to continue to move forward in this new journey I am on.

The rings are gone the memories of the pain is still there...those memories keep me grounded to what I do not want in my life...

Melt away rings....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Will the REAL Kristen please stand up....part 2

I believe that all men that come into my life will hurt me in one way or another.
I have a hard time believing what people tell me, always wondering how much they are lying to me.
I often go over board to help, partly because I want the acceptance
I can train a room full of people but get me to speak in front of a large audience and I freeze
I get tongue tied when I get scared
I want to be a lawyer but getting a little to old to become one
I withhold information about my ex husband to his mom because I hate seeing her sad
I often feel uneasy about some of the life choices I have made
I would give everything I have to someone to make them happy
I hate being made fun of or being the butt of someones joke. This makes me cry when no one is around
I have never learned how to change a tire or the oil in my car
I hate people who's life's seem so perfect and they see to have everything going there way
I wear glasses and should be wearing them all the time but I hate wearing them so I will just fake that I can see
I have a slight hearing lose in my right ear due to an illness that was not take care of when I was young
I pierced two holes in my left ear....that hurt! I don't wear anything in them now
Those who know me know that I love to dance and wanted to be a dancer so bad
We were really poor when I was growing up and we always had everything we needed but sometimes I didn't get the cool stuff and I was really jealous
I want the picture perfect life and I don't know what that looks like
I always wanted a step mother, just a women to give me her full attention and show me what being a women is all about
My finest moment this year was taking my boys on a 5 day cruise, they have never been on vacation and I cried the whole trip because I was so happy for us

I have soooo many things in my life that I am blessed to have but yet I have so many things that hold me back from really appreciating them.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Will the REAL Kristen please stand up

Been thinking about the message from Church on Sunday and somethings have really stayed with me. But at the moment the most profound thing is something he said about the masks we wear because we are afraid of people seeing the real us!

Now I don't know if anyone really reads my blog...but hey thanks if you are! So here is the real Kristen with no mask on!

I hate wearing make up
I would rather wear flip flops then high heels
I use humor to protect myself
I am afraid of letting people in, in fear of rejection
I cry everytime my boys do something new or when I know it will be the last time they do something. In fact I cry a lot!
Everyday I am scared that I am going to wake up and my car has been repo'd (I pay every month, just left over stuff from the ex.)
I hate cleaning...and my bedroom is always a mess
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, you know what kind of mood I am in all the time
Daily I am scared that I am going to be fired from work....again
I would rather stay in bed all day and sleep then face my reality
I really dislike my cat
I am sometimes emotional mess and I cannot control the sadness
I cannot seem to make it financially so my 70 year old father lives with me to help
I talk to myself daily and it freaks me out
I think people talk about me in the negative daily
I am truly scared of being alone when I am older
I suck at saving money
I wear earplugs, a mouth guard and sleeping mask to bed (hot I know)
I am worried that I will never again be worthy of a man's love
I am worried that I will never again be able to love
I am worried that my children will reject me as soon as they are old enough to realize I have screwed up so many times
I do not like to be left behind or out of the loop, and I find myself thinking they do that on purpose
I love the beach and I love where my mother is buried...these are my happy spots
I hope that I have not passed on any of my flaws onto my children
I hate that my sister in law punishes me for what her brother does to the family and his children
I hate that my sister in laws do not allow their nephews to be close to them
I wonder if my looks/weight keep men away from talking to me
I am scared that I will never fully have the love of God in my life
Scared that I will never feel my mothers arms around me, holding me and telling me that she missed me and is proud of me
I have a shield around me so people won't get close because I think all people will hurt me
I am scared that my children will want to be with their dad instead of me
I really hate nuts and eggs oh and fish
I hate the curls in my hair, I hate my nose
Once again I am really bad with money but trying really hard to repair my credit
I often borrow things that don't belong to me but always put it back
I had an abortion when I was married...yes he knew
I didn't want to be pregnant the second time and prayed for a miscarriage and I think my son somehow knows this and its why he is a challenge to me
I miss my brother and I wish he would not be mad at me. I wish he was still my best friend.
I am scared of who the real Kristen is....in fact I am not even sure I know who she is

Well this is me....Kristen. The mask is part way off not sure when I will be ready to really remove it

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Everyday you open the paper or turn on the computer there is another athlete, movie star or politician admitting to having an affair and then the mistress or mistresses come forward and tell the tales of the wild sex life or the details of the affair.

When did it become ok to be the other women? When did it become socially acceptable to have an affair? It just seems to be ok and that everyone has one. I really believe in when a priest, minister or when anyone pronounces you man and wife then that is it. You and that person belong to one another.

My ex husband as you know committed adultery and if he chose not to stray from this marriage we would still be married. We were not the happiest as a couple but I know we could have made it work. He cheated because he was unhappy, searching for more, wanting more and there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it. I could have been the perfect wife and he would have still cheated.

It makes me ill to see the other women on tv, selling their stories. They should be ashamed that they are making money off of someones pain. Do those women think of the wife or the other mate when the sell their story? They like the men who cheat do not think of anyone but themselves.

Karma is a bitch and it will catch up with them...

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San Diego, CA, United States