Here I go....

So here I am....the heaviest I have been in years



Tomorrow starts my newest and second journey on Weight Watchers. I cannot do this to my body anymore. I don't feel right, I am depressed about how I look.

I know I will never be a size 3 again but one can hope....

Hi my name is Kristen and I weigh....

Ok putting it out into the cyber universe.....I weigh a 180 pounds...at one time many years ago I weighed a 100 pounds. And I need to rid myself of some of this weight!

I did really well on Weight Watchers but I grew tired of always having to watch what I was putting in my mouth. I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat when I wanted to eat it.

I love food, I love chocolate, I love coffee, I love sweets and I love being lazy!

So now I have come to a point where I am not happy with my body, the way it feels, the way clothes fit.

1 Corinthians 6:19 says "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own"

How am I honoring God with abusing my body with over eating, eating the wrong things for me, for not helping my body to be strong? I am not, I am abusing this body God has given me.

So.....the school year is starting for my boys so I must start anew as well....here is to yet another journey of losing some of this weight and taking care of the body God has given me.

Say a prayer for me!!

Depression has set in

All I want to do is eat, sleep and be alone....depression of not having a job has set in. I am trying to fight it and it is consuming me. I just want to shut the world out and stew in my own loathing.

But because I trust in God, He will help me fight this. He is setting out a path for me to walk on. I am so scared to walk on the path. What happens if it takes me to places I don't want to go, what if it does not pull my out of this funk I am in.

God....I am putty in your hands, please pull me out of this. Help me to see I have worth, I am loved and people like/love me.

Hate this feeling God...pull me.....

58 and 45...... depression is mounting and is there hope?

58 is the number of days I have been unemployed and 45 is the number of positions I have applied for in these 58 days. I have been trying to keep a positive outlook that something is going to come my way, a position that is going to change me, a position that is going to make me happy.

58 days of trying to figure out the next stage of my life, 45 applications trying to get someone to hire me.

The depression is setting in, feeling hopeless, feeling lost, feeling unwanted, feeling left behind, feeling forgotten.

45 applications that I hope will impress someone, only 2 have contacted me, one interview and one phone interview and no offer of employment.

58 days of trying to put on the happy face on for the boys, trying to make them feel like we are going to be ok that things will work out.

58 days of wondering when I will feel some satisfaction of doing a good job, of helping people be the best they can be.

It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning, getting harder to put on the happy face.

I know that God has a plan for me, a plan to bring me happiness.....but when? I am tired of watching other people be happy, tired of watching people get what they want (promotions, raises, the love of their life, new car, new house, etc...). I want it to be my time!

I have given all this to God, I have prayed about it, I have asked others to pray for me...nothing is happening....tired of being sad, tired of putting the happy face on.....

58 days and a piece of me died.....45 prayers unanswered.....how many more times do I have to count?

To my oldest

Dear Jonathan:

Here we are the day before your High School graduation. I am so proud of you, not only for graduating with over a 3.0 but of the man you are becoming.

When you were born, I would sit and watch you sleep and wonder what you would be when you grew up.

As you grew up, I would watch you win games, lose games and I cheered you on the whole way. I thought you were the greatest player out there. I was amazed when you would come out of nowhere and steal the ball away during soccer and take it up field and cross it over to your teammate. I thought for sure you were going to play all the way through college. Then something happened, you wanted to run cross country to stay in shape for soccer and you were amazing at it. Yep you broke my heart when you didn't want to play soccer anymore but watching you improve with each race made it all worth it. Each race you left all of it out on the track or course. Hope you continue to run.

During all of your soccer and running you kept getting hurt and this is when you discovered what you wanted to study in college. I thought for sure you were going to be an engineer, you loved building things and figuring out how things work. But you sure have a knack for helping others heal themselves. When I broke my ankle, it was you who helped me in rehab (and laughing at me the whole time). I guess in some ways you are still trying to figure out how things work, but its with the human body.

I am worried about you leaving for college in September, worried that you won't know how to navigate the world with all of its uncertainties. But I am always reminded that you are a smart kid and you will be just fine. I am going to miss seeing you everyday, laughing with you and making sure you are ok. I hope I taught you enough that the world will be gentle to you. I hope the foundation that I have laid will be enough for you, I hope all of the mistakes I made the last 18 years have not scared you forever, I hope that you know that I might not have been the perfect mom, that I tried to be the best I could.

My other hope is that every time you have to make a decision, that you think of Papa Tony. Think about what he would tell you to do, think about what decision he would have made. I am sure it will be easy once you think of him. He would have been so proud of you. Please think of him tomorrow during graduation, you and Tyler meant the world to him.

I have said to you before, this next chapter of your life is to be written by you! I have started the book for you....it is up to you to continue the story...YOUR STORY!!

I love you to the moon and back. My God bless you always and may you always walk in faith that He will be with you every step of the way.

Always,
Mom

Wedding Dream

About 6 or 7 years ago I had a dream that I was getting married, I remember the dream like I had it last night. The dream goes like this.....I am driving with a friend in her 4runner, I have my dress on with awful gladiator type shoes on. My phone rings and it is my husband to be, telling me to hurry because I am going to be late (for those who know me, know I am always late). But I tell him I have to get my wedding shoes. The shoes I guess are in a closet at church. I woke up not finding the shoes or seeing who I was marrying.

The dream has been a puzzle to me ever since.  I looked up what each detail meant and I am still puzzled.

Wedding dreams mean new beginnings, shoes mean a path.....where is this path? A path to what?

The other thing I remember is his voice on the phone....need to find that voice.

Another thing that keeps bugging me is why in the heck do I remember this dream so well?

When the head, heart, gut and prayers don't agree

I have always said when making a tough decision that you need to listen to your gut....but my gut is usually wrong. So then I hear people say follow your heart, well when I follow my heart I get hurt, stepped on and become a human speed bump. So now I try to filter everything that is going in my head...nothing is making sense to me!

My mind says one thing the heart says another then the gut has something else to say......then in the middle of threes three fighting, I try to pray and wait and wait for an answer (I sometimes think God ignores me).

I need to make some decisions soon, and I can't  decide what to do.....can't my gut, heart, head and prayers give me some kind of answer?

Need to figure of the next steps in this life and I just need some guidance, wisdom, love and faith....come on your four help me out.