For the last eight months I have been trying to wrap my brain why I am out of work. Trying to figure out what lessons that I need to learn during this time. At first I thought it was because I never spent time for me, I was always working and doing for others but not for me. Then I thought it was to teach me that I need to slow down, I move too fast sometimes for the world and myself. But I think it is much more than that.
I think I am going through the lesson now, I think Gods intent was to break me down to the littlest pieces so He can build me back up.
I have learned some truths about myself lately (and I can barely type them without crying)....
I thought to high of myself, that I was to good for others, that I was superior than others, that I was smarter than others and that my shit didn't stink.
I learned that I am selfish, I am a giving person but I expect so much back from others.
Learned that I think of myself before others, and that sometimes I am not the greatest friend.
Learned I am hard to love, that has prevented me from allowing people to get close to me.
Somewhere in my life I became to materialistic, I would rather spend my last penny on me than to give it to someone who needed it or even to save it.
Eight years ago I went through the darkest period of my life, I was divorcing the man that I would spend my life with. I became bitter, depressed and was very harden from the experience. And I hurt many people along the way. (hurt people...hurt people).
I don't know if anyone really reads this, but I am sorry to those I have hurt along the way. I am hoping God is building me back into the person that I lost over eight years ago. He is trying to grow me into a better friend, a better Christ Follower, a better mom....and a better human being.
I don't want to be this sad bitter person anymore. I don't want to be the person everyone leaves alone at parties or church functions.
I know God is working hard in me...He wants me out of this season...He wants me healthy in order to His work on earth.
He is planting seeds in me and is trying to water them.....and when the season is over...He will grow beautiful flowers.....