Kiddy Fit

I just want to throw on of those major kiddy fits we all use to throw when we were kids!!!

I don't want to look for another job that I will not get....I don't I don't I don't!!! I want to sit hear and fold my arms and stomp me feet so someone can send me to my room!!!

I am so tired of applying for jobs non stop!! To date I have applied to 225 positions in your name in area of work. I just want a job...something...anything...

The reason I want to stomp my feet is that I have to do 20+ hours of job searching weekly and log it just right and submit them to the welfare office by the 5th of each month and I hate to do them!! I hate going there, to be told by a 20 something year old that I need to redo them, that I need to come and sit in their computer lab to job search (when I am more than capable of doing that on my own in my own space) and that I need to be willing to take a minimum wage job.

AHHHHH!!!! Stomp....Stomp....Over it!!! Can I be sent to my room??

Caterpillars

The past few days have been quite challenging to say the least! I have cried in public places, I have beat myself up mentally and have given up on the idea of Hope.

Then I went here....

 This is about a five minute drive from my house, and next to being near the ocean it is my favorite place (especially when it is green). During my walk there were caterpillars all over the place. I cheer them on and pray they have a chance to make it, a chance to become who God intended them to be.

Seeing them me think....am I a caterpillar? I am changing? Am I going through a Metamorphosis? But into what? I want so much to be a changed women, someone who shows happiness, someone who shows the love and power of Jesus....is that what is happening? But isn't that happening to all of us? We are all changing and evolving into something then we were. I know I don't want to be the same person a year from now.  

I keep trying to wrap my brain around the idea of why I have been out of work so long. The idea of changing keep coming to mind. There is some kind of work being done inside of me. Something that is going to bring me out of this season changed, reformed, made into something else.



Poor Klondike had to be told over and over again not to step, eat, pee on or sniff the caterpillars. (This is the look he gave me after the all of the reminders).....We all need a chance to grow and thrive and people just need to allow us and encourage us just like I do with the caterpillars

 



Why I believe in God

Tyler has been going on and on about the Bill Nye the Science Guy and a Professor of Creation, and that Bill Nye kept shooting down all of the creationist ideas. He asked why I believe in God. He and I have had many conversations about religion in the past few years and he has never bought into the idea of religion.

This is what I told him, I told him about how in the deepest, darkest days what pulled me out, got me out of bed and kept me moving was the belief that there was something more then this, something more after this life.

I shared with him the people who came into my life by chance. My Fay Mom, who was just a neighbor who came into my life to change the course of my life. My in laws, who loved me and still love me as their own when they could have turned their backs on me. Tony and Susan who sit next to me every Sunday in church, they pray for me and give me support. Tony sneaks a twenty into my purse every Sunday since my unemployment benefits stopped. His Aunt Lisa, who from the age of 8 until now has been the most important person in my life. She has stood with me through thick and thin has never left my side when most of my friends have vanished. A man named Derek who read an newspaper article that I was quoted in about unemployment benefits who offered to send me a gift card at any store of my choice to help my family.

These are just some of the people who came into my life by chance, I asked him if he thought it was by chance or by design/destiny? I gave him many other examples that have happened in my life where something happened to me that changes everything.

We talked about how things just happen and why. Especially when there is no logical reason for them to happen.

I believe there is something more to this life, something that comes and takes my burdens. I believe in Hope...Hope for more then this heartache I have each day.

Leap of Fatih...week one

I attend a pretty amazing church named Journey Community Church, I have been attending there about 5 years and I am proud to call that church home.

About once a year we do a church wide study, this year we are doing a Leap of Faith. 40 days through the Book of Mark.

Part of this study is to boldly stand before God and ask a risky prayer. Being I like to get more than asked I have decided on three bold prayers.

One, to get a position that will being me personal satisfaction and a decent salary. This is something I have been praying for at least 8 months. Being out of work this long as really taken a toll on me.

Two, for help to lost this much needed weight. I know that my weight does not define me as a women it does has a lot to do with my overall health and well being.

And third, for a life partner someone who loves me for me. Someone that can make be laugh on a daily bases, someone to help me feel safe. I have resisted dating for so long and I think it is time for me to have someone.

In church today, I was thinking of my three prayers and asking myself if I was asking for to much. But then it hit me....the three prayers at some level involve my happiness. Real happiness, to the core of my being happiness the kind of happiness that keeps a smile on your face.

For so many years I haven't smiled. I do smile but not from the deep parts of my soul smiles.

Boldly I pray for my happiness....not my families happiness, not my friends happiness, not the churches happiness but for MY HAPPINESS!!! Heck I deserve it! To be able to be a Christ follower and follow what Jesus was telling everyone I need that happiness. That happiness will bring joy to others when I am able to share that.

What have I lost out in?

I think because I was so scared when I was younger I missed out on so much! Don't get me wrong I had some great adventures when I was younger and a few battle scars from them but I have the achy feeling that I have lost some kind of chunk of my life.

Could it be the chunk of meeting my future husband at the age of 19 and was with him until we divorced (that was close to 20 years of being together). I lost a huge chunk of time with someone that really didn't love me, someone who didn't think of forever and someone who didn't think twice of taking that time away from me.

There is so much I could have done....traveled, went to more parties, met more people.

Don't get me wrong, we did have a great relationship until things in our life changed. I have two amazing sons from the marriage and an amazing extended family because of it....but I do regret not getting out sooner, and moving home when it didn't seem he wanted to marry me.

I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't meet the 'man of my dreams' at 19. Where would I be? What would I have? Would I be happy?

I don't like living life in the 'should of, could of' world....I guess I have the next 40 or so years to really reclaim that time....

Growing.....painfully

For the last eight months I have been trying to wrap my brain why I am out of work. Trying to figure out what lessons that I need to learn during this time. At first I thought it was because I never spent time for me, I was always working and doing for others but not for me. Then I thought it was to teach me that I need to slow down, I move too fast sometimes for the world and myself. But I think it is much more than that.

I think I am going through the lesson now, I think Gods intent was to break me down to the littlest pieces so He can build me back up.

I have learned some truths about myself lately (and I can barely type them without crying)....

I thought to high of myself, that I was to good for others, that I was superior than others, that I was smarter than others and that my shit didn't stink.

I learned that I am selfish, I am a giving person but I expect so much back from others.

Learned that I think of myself before others, and that sometimes I am not the greatest friend.

Learned I am hard to love, that has prevented me from allowing people to get close to me.

Somewhere in my life I became to materialistic, I would rather spend my last penny on me than to give it to someone who needed it or even to save it.

Eight years ago I went through the darkest period of my life, I was divorcing the man that I would spend my life with. I became bitter, depressed and was very harden from the experience. And I hurt many people along the way. (hurt people...hurt people).

I don't know if anyone really reads this, but I am sorry to those I have hurt along the way. I am hoping God is building me back into the person that I lost over eight years ago. He is trying to grow me into a better friend, a better Christ Follower, a better mom....and a better human being.

I don't want to be this sad bitter person anymore. I don't want to be the person everyone leaves alone at parties or church functions.

I know God is working hard in me...He wants me out of this season...He wants me healthy in order to His work on earth.

He is planting seeds in me and is trying to water them.....and when the season is over...He will grow beautiful flowers.....



 

Lessons from hanging out at public libaries

So while Tyler is at school or skating, I have been hanging out at the public library....let me tell you there are so many life lessons from just people watching there, here are a few of the lessons and the people who have taught me them

-Porn watching guy: We all have things in our life we would like to hid and that we all have some kind of addiction.

-Ankle bracelet tracking device wearing guy: We have all done things we are not proud of and we all have something that reminds us of our mistakes.

-Kissing older man: That we all want to be loved and we all deserve it.

-Key in the ear scratching man: Mommy always taught us not to put things in our ears. And we should have listened more carefully before we moved away and became adults.

-Alcohol smuggling homeless man: We all try to get away with something, but that does not get us to a closer relationship with God and others.

-Sweet older lady teaching someone English: Reaching out helping others is amazing, being of service to others is a gift that many of us need.

- Guy checking out the ladies: Remember that women are not objects of our desires but they are to be loved and respected.

It has been great people watching, and a lot of thanking God for the blessings He has given to me and my family.