ok...I am not ok being alone

I have spent the last few months telling myself, telling everyone around me that I am ok being alone....well the truth is I AM NOT OK BEING ALONE! I am over it, tired of it, tired wishing for it, tired, tired of it.

Now how do I fix this? I have no idea where to start, where to look. Not sure about the whole online dating, been there done it...met nothing but weirdos, guys that wanted to know what size bra I wear....ugh! Where is the nice ones? Where are the ones that are not all about my bra size? It's like finding a needle in a haystack. I don't know how to do this.

I just might have to face the fact I will be alone and that there is no prince charming coming for me....ugh!!! can't take it anymore

A Mom of Boys

Growing up I was the only girl around, I had an older brother that had to take me everywhere. I have always been around men (could be the reason I like sports and that farts don't bug me). So when I had both of the boys I knew that I could handle it being a mom of boys because I was always around them. Was I wrong!

No one told me that boys have mood swings and are hormonal! Gesh I thought only girls did that! I have one right smack in the middle of puberty and one right on the verge of starting! It is crazy around here, I never know if I said something wrong or if I did something that I would normally do that now embarrasses them. They are moody! Oh my gosh, that is the worst!

I can handle the girl stuff, I went though it but this boys stuff is rough!

Cute Outfit

I can say, I don't dress that bad. I can make the best of out what is in my closets transforming each piece into a different look. My ex. mother in law always said to me "you have a way with separates". I love clothes....and shoes and everything else that goes into an outfit.

I have people come up to me and say 'cute outfit', gesh...I am so much more then a cute outfit.

How do I get people to look beyond the outfit, beyond the outside of me? I have so much more to offer once you can get past the outside.

A very very dear friend and I have this discussion the other night during 'wine therapy'. She said I have a shield up that prevents people from getting closer, that I don't smile enough (I don't smile because I hate my smile and my teeth) and I always look pissed off (thank you dad for passing that look down). I don't think I have a shield up, if I do it's because I don't want to get hurt again, tired of fixing the broken heart. And the broken heart is not from men hurting it but it's from women as well (friends that decide that other friendships are better or just disappearing).

Back to the outfits, I have this tendency to make sure everything is perfect before I head out the door. Maybe that is part of my problem is that I want everything to be perfect like my outfits. I want things to go together like shoes and a purse, want them to be comfortable like my running shoes and want them to match me. But on the other hand I almost described what I would like to have in a mate....comfortable...matching....go together (meaning..we looking like we belong together).

I feel like a book that has a great cover but the story is boring..woo...that would be a great topic for another blog...

My outfits are me...classic...put together (that I am not sometimes)...cute....hey I can think that I am...

hmmm

I felt in the mood to write a blog tonight but nothing is coming to me, no topic, nothing happened exciting today...hmmm just feeling the need for my fingers to type.

How does this happen? The need to do something or be somewhere? It's Gods hand pushing is along. I always hear people say that God spoke to them, I wait to hear him but I never do. Instead it's his gentle push I feel every once in while. A push to take a turn down a different street, a push to say something, a push to call someone. I have had the push to call my brother but scared to call him....fear of his rejection.

Think God's hand is pushing me...pushing me where? for who? when? Only He knows

Black Notebook

I bought a little black notebook to journal during my trip, while I did journal the notebook now has turned into my idea place. Ideas I have for a book. I am not a writer, if you are reading my blog you would know I am far from a writer. But I have been thinking for sometime that I need to write a book about what has happened in my life and how I got through the mental abuse. Or how to laugh your way through affairs, separation, divorce and still be a women of grace.

I have been told it would be good therapy to write...but where to start...once upon a time there was a curly haired girl whose Mom passed away when she was young and that life event affected the rest of her life...where of where to start....there has to be a start in the black notebook

Thoughts from Vacation

The boys and I just came back from our vacation. We took a cruise to Cabo San Lucas. I needed this so bad! I needed to be away from work, soccer, home, friends and my cell phone.

Came to some conclusions while on the ship. One, I do need to lose some weight. Looking at pictures and seeing myself in the mirror, killed me. I need to lose this weight, not only for my self esteem but for my health. The other thing is I am not ok with being alone anymore. I have been telling myself that I am ok but after seeing some many people paired up made me realize that I need someone, I also had a really great picture of me taken and I was sad that I had no one to give it to.

No where to start? First is to work on the weight and then the man hunt. I need to start pushing my comfort zone, to stretch my mind, I need to pray more and step out of that zone.

I need to be happy, I need to reach down deep and find me, find my own happiness.

Time to dig in the heels, time to stretch the zone...time to get healthy.

The Voice of Truth

Casting Crowns has a song titled "The Voice of Truth", the song has some lyrics that hit me hard everytime I hear it....

Oh,what I would do to havethe kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zoneInto the realm of the unknown Where Jesus is, And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me time and time again"Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I keep listening for the voice telling me not to be afraid, I keep listening for it to tell me I am going to be ok. I try to listen for a voice...but what I need to notice is the things around me, the people around me and what they are saying. God speaks to be all the time but I don't take the time to listen or to enjoy what he is putting in front of me.

I want to not be afraid anymore, its time for me to let the walls down, time to let love in. Yet I am so scared to step out into the unknown......