Monday, December 14, 2009

Will the REAL Kristen please stand up

Been thinking about the message from Church on Sunday and somethings have really stayed with me. But at the moment the most profound thing is something he said about the masks we wear because we are afraid of people seeing the real us!

Now I don't know if anyone really reads my blog...but hey thanks if you are! So here is the real Kristen with no mask on!

I hate wearing make up
I would rather wear flip flops then high heels
I use humor to protect myself
I am afraid of letting people in, in fear of rejection
I cry everytime my boys do something new or when I know it will be the last time they do something. In fact I cry a lot!
Everyday I am scared that I am going to wake up and my car has been repo'd (I pay every month, just left over stuff from the ex.)
I hate cleaning...and my bedroom is always a mess
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, you know what kind of mood I am in all the time
Daily I am scared that I am going to be fired from work....again
I would rather stay in bed all day and sleep then face my reality
I really dislike my cat
I am sometimes emotional mess and I cannot control the sadness
I cannot seem to make it financially so my 70 year old father lives with me to help
I talk to myself daily and it freaks me out
I think people talk about me in the negative daily
I am truly scared of being alone when I am older
I suck at saving money
I wear earplugs, a mouth guard and sleeping mask to bed (hot I know)
I am worried that I will never again be worthy of a man's love
I am worried that I will never again be able to love
I am worried that my children will reject me as soon as they are old enough to realize I have screwed up so many times
I do not like to be left behind or out of the loop, and I find myself thinking they do that on purpose
I love the beach and I love where my mother is buried...these are my happy spots
I hope that I have not passed on any of my flaws onto my children
I hate that my sister in law punishes me for what her brother does to the family and his children
I hate that my sister in laws do not allow their nephews to be close to them
I wonder if my looks/weight keep men away from talking to me
I am scared that I will never fully have the love of God in my life
Scared that I will never feel my mothers arms around me, holding me and telling me that she missed me and is proud of me
I have a shield around me so people won't get close because I think all people will hurt me
I am scared that my children will want to be with their dad instead of me
I really hate nuts and eggs oh and fish
I hate the curls in my hair, I hate my nose
Once again I am really bad with money but trying really hard to repair my credit
I often borrow things that don't belong to me but always put it back
I had an abortion when I was married...yes he knew
I didn't want to be pregnant the second time and prayed for a miscarriage and I think my son somehow knows this and its why he is a challenge to me
I miss my brother and I wish he would not be mad at me. I wish he was still my best friend.
I am scared of who the real Kristen fact I am not even sure I know who she is

Well this is me....Kristen. The mask is part way off not sure when I will be ready to really remove it

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San Diego, CA, United States