Growing.....painfully

For the last eight months I have been trying to wrap my brain why I am out of work. Trying to figure out what lessons that I need to learn during this time. At first I thought it was because I never spent time for me, I was always working and doing for others but not for me. Then I thought it was to teach me that I need to slow down, I move too fast sometimes for the world and myself. But I think it is much more than that.

I think I am going through the lesson now, I think Gods intent was to break me down to the littlest pieces so He can build me back up.

I have learned some truths about myself lately (and I can barely type them without crying)....

I thought to high of myself, that I was to good for others, that I was superior than others, that I was smarter than others and that my shit didn't stink.

I learned that I am selfish, I am a giving person but I expect so much back from others.

Learned that I think of myself before others, and that sometimes I am not the greatest friend.

Learned I am hard to love, that has prevented me from allowing people to get close to me.

Somewhere in my life I became to materialistic, I would rather spend my last penny on me than to give it to someone who needed it or even to save it.

Eight years ago I went through the darkest period of my life, I was divorcing the man that I would spend my life with. I became bitter, depressed and was very harden from the experience. And I hurt many people along the way. (hurt people...hurt people).

I don't know if anyone really reads this, but I am sorry to those I have hurt along the way. I am hoping God is building me back into the person that I lost over eight years ago. He is trying to grow me into a better friend, a better Christ Follower, a better mom....and a better human being.

I don't want to be this sad bitter person anymore. I don't want to be the person everyone leaves alone at parties or church functions.

I know God is working hard in me...He wants me out of this season...He wants me healthy in order to His work on earth.

He is planting seeds in me and is trying to water them.....and when the season is over...He will grow beautiful flowers.....



 

Lessons from hanging out at public libaries

So while Tyler is at school or skating, I have been hanging out at the public library....let me tell you there are so many life lessons from just people watching there, here are a few of the lessons and the people who have taught me them

-Porn watching guy: We all have things in our life we would like to hid and that we all have some kind of addiction.

-Ankle bracelet tracking device wearing guy: We have all done things we are not proud of and we all have something that reminds us of our mistakes.

-Kissing older man: That we all want to be loved and we all deserve it.

-Key in the ear scratching man: Mommy always taught us not to put things in our ears. And we should have listened more carefully before we moved away and became adults.

-Alcohol smuggling homeless man: We all try to get away with something, but that does not get us to a closer relationship with God and others.

-Sweet older lady teaching someone English: Reaching out helping others is amazing, being of service to others is a gift that many of us need.

- Guy checking out the ladies: Remember that women are not objects of our desires but they are to be loved and respected.

It has been great people watching, and a lot of thanking God for the blessings He has given to me and my family.

Confessions of a Fat Lady.......My scale is not the problem, it's me

That darn scale has not budged in days! Then I started to look over my food journal, and most days I stay at or just under my allotted calories for the day and yes there are some where I am way over.

This losing weight thing starts and stops with ME! No one else, can't blame the scale or the temptation of yummy, so not good for me food.

I am reading a book called "Made to Crave", and this statement really got me 'I was just eating too much of the wrong kinds of food and felt trapped in a cycle of hunger. I felt hungry all the time. And I felt discouraged and down about my escalating weight yet powerless to make the necessary changes.'

I have all of the tools in the world to eat better, to buy better food into my body but I just don't do it.

I wrote a reply to an On Line Bible study on this book (highly recommend Proverbs 31 ministries on line bible studies), my comment was about how almost every conversation I have is about food or there is food around us when we are talking about food. I have replaced the idea of food being something to fuel my body as something to indulge in, something that everything in my life circles around. When I am sad I eat, when I am happy I eat, when I am ______ (insert emotion here) I eat.
Don't get me wrong, I love the time I spent with people around a great meal. But eating has consumed my life, I rather eat the face some of the issues in my life.

Philippians 4:13 says' I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'....so I need to turn to him during emotional times and ask for guidance, I need to turn off the switch that tells me to eat during emotional times.

Need to rethink what I put into my body...is it for fuel or for pleasure?

Loving myself

Hmmm....loving myself, what does that mean? How do I go about doing this?

I dug around the Internet for a bit and found some great things about self love. I love this "to love yourself means to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Then having faith in yourself that you can do better next time around". So powerful, I beat myself up so much when I mess up or make a mistake.

Dug around some more and found this gem....you need to break the bondage of self rejection, self hatred, unforgiveness, bitterness, being hard on self, ashamed, low self esteem, feeling ugly and stupid.

Wow....all of the things I do to myself on a daily, minute by minute bases. And I need to stop doing all of that to myself! I was made in the image of God, He does not hate himself, he does not say He is dumb, he forgives and loves over and over again.

I need to be thankful and appreciate what God has given me. I need to fall in love with myself and how God made me.

I need to let go of the worry of what will happen next in my life.

I need to be kind to myself and forgive myself

I need grow spiritually

I need to say positive affirmations to myself everyday

I need to acknowledge I am not perfect and I need to learn from mistakes and trust myself that I will not do it again

I need to express gratitude to those who help me, to those who love me and to those who stand in the gap with me

I need to take care of my body, not only to be healthy but to honor God that he created me

I need to see the beauty within myself and all around

I need to step out of my comfort zone and try new things to boost my self confidence

I need to have fun and relax

God loved me enough to make me realize that I don't love myself. I need to not take me for granted anymore.

Who is with me on this journey....we are all worth and then some!!

Heavenly Father vs. Earthly Father...the struggle

I have been struggling with the idea of how my relationship with God has been affected by my relationship with my earthly Father.

My earthly father is hard to live with, hard to love and hard to be around. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my father and appreciate what he has done for my brother and I and what he continues to do for me and my boys.

I know in reading scripture that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what I do, I know that I can go to Him and ask for forgiveness when I mess up and all will be forgiven. He does not hold my past mistakes over my head and remind me over and over again about how much I have messed up.

My earthly father reminds me all the time how much I have messed up; he holds it over my head and makes me feel ashamed about my mistakes. He tells people about how much I have messed up and how he is constantly helping me out of messes. I have yet to hear him tell me that I have done a good job with the boys and that he is proud of me.

This is where my struggle starts, I know both provide, I know that both love me…but are both of them disappointed in me? Why do I doubt their love? Why do I not believe what they tell me?

I think the struggles I am having with God at the moment come from how my relationship is with my earthly father…How do I fix this? Build a better relationship with my earthly father? Lean more into my heavenly father? I am stuck in this struggle……

Confessions of a Fat Lady....my scale is bi-polar

I have a really bad habit of always weighing myself all the time and I have come to the conclusion my scale is bi-polar!!

In the morning I will weigh 177 and then an hour later I will weigh 179 and then a few hours I will weigh 176 and then 178....my scale is all over the place. I know as the day goes on you put a little weight on. But to go up and down all day long drives me crazy.

I have been pretty good about watching what I am eating, trying to take the dog for a walk at least 5 times a week. But this bi-polar scale is driving me crazy.

Need to think about how my body feels, do I have more energy, are my clothes feeling loose and am I realizing my cravings for food can be suppressed by seeking other things besides food.

I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and so far I love it! The book is about feeling our cravings for food with scripture and craving a relationship with God more than food. The book is not saying that our relationship with God will satisfy us more then food, its more about figuring why we crave and over eat.

I eat when I am bored, I overeat because I am not listening to my body...I need to realize that I only need food to fuel my body, I don't need it to feel better about myself...

Now I need to deal with my bi-polar scale...think it might be time for a new one.

How did I get here?

I have been out of work now for 8 months, yes the first month or two felt like a vacation. Heck I had been working since I was 17 years old with the only breaks being having babies and one break between job (lasted only two months). I have been searching, applying and praying for a job for 8 months.

In December the federal government cut long term unemployment benefits leaving 1.3 million people without benefits. Leaving 2.3 million children without support as well. I never thought of myself of as a political advocate but the last few weeks I have emailed my State Senators, my House Representative urging them to approve the unemployment benefits. I tell this story to anyone that will listen and urge them to tell the story of 1.3 million people and urge them to contact their State Senators and House Representatives.

There are some that say that unemployed people just use the system and do nothing to help their situation...well I am here to tell you I have applied to 140 jobs, I have applied to 2 temp agencies and have looked high and low for a job.

The lack of money coming in has shown me that there are people who care about me, my father is helping, my hairdresser is coloring my hair for free (don't want to go to interviews with grey roots) and I have the sweetest couple I sit next to at church who sneak money into my purse while I am not looking.

All of this has lead me here.....to a place of desperation, to a place so low that I cannot see the light but I hang onto HOPE....hope for something to bend in this process, hope for the government to do the right thing, hope for a new job that will lead me out of this place.

God and I have fought a lot lately, I tell him I doubt his power in my life, I tell him his is a hack and that he does not care for me and my family. But each morning when I wake up, I have a worship song playing in my head...His way of telling me He is with me....but I am still angry at Him.

Yesterday, I sank to a place I never ever say myself going into....the Welfare office. I never saw myself going and seeking this type of help. But what else am I to do? I had to shed the pride of being better, more educated than the people in there...wow that was tough.

There has to be an end to all of this....I have to hold onto that...have to hold onto HOPE....

If you are reading this....please pray for the 2.3 million children who's parents are in the same spot I am in....pray that our government does the right thing for 1.3 million out of work people...and lastly pray for me that an opportunity comes my way...